The Legend of Eevee: Majerkass's Mask
by that one little guy
Summary: When an evil Nuzleaf has caused the moon to fall and destroy the world in three days, you probably wonder how things can get any worse. Here's how: The only one who can stop it is a certain peabrained, time traveling Pichu. Say your prayers, Termina.
1. Round Two of Pichu

**A/N: **Greetings, one and everyone! It's me again, here with the highly anticipated (I think) sequel to The Legend of Eevee: Pokéflute of Time! I've basically been planning on writing this from the very start and I'm so excited it's finally time XD Words can't really describe how much I love Majora's Mask. Just know it's by far my favorite Zelda game and one of my all-time favorite games in general. Add that to all the shiny new Unova Pokémon who will be showing up this time around and… yeah, this is gonna be a blast.

Okay, enough rambling from me. Hope you like!

––

**The Legend of Eevee: Majerkass's Mask**

_In the land of Hyrule there echoes a legend. A legend of a Pichu…_

_Who, after saving Hyrule through a ridiculous amount of dumb luck, crept away from the land that had made him a legend…_

_Done screwing with time and possibly endangering reality, he embarked on a secret and personal journey…_

_A journey in search of a beloved and invaluable friend…_

…_Okay, maybe "friend" is too strong a term…_

––

Somewhere deep within a mysterious forest, an oddly colored Pichu with green markings was sitting on top of a shiny Ponyta as they slowly made their way through. The atmosphere in the forest had been very quiet and tranquil, but Pichu quickly took care of that.

"…And as I go, I love to sing, my knapsack on my back! Val-de-ree, val-de-ra, val-de-ree, val-de-ra-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! C'mon, Epona, join in!"

"One day I will truly enjoy killing him… one day…" Epona muttered to herself. "Why the hell are we off looking for that fairy b*tch anyway?"

"Princess Eevee and I have a bet going on whether or not I can survive another adventure. Obviously my manly honor is at stake here, and I thought looking for Togetic was as good an adventure as any. Plus, she still has my CDs."

"I'm sorry, you lost me at 'manly'. Please don't make me contain my laughter like that again, I'll probably get an aneurism."

Unbeknownst to the two of them, they weren't alone in this forest. At that very moment, floating high up in the trees by way of some fairy hocus-pocus were two mystical pink Pokémon, a Clefairy and a Cleffa. They were watching Pichu and Epona very closely.

"All right. This kid looks totally stupid _and _totally rich," the Clefairy said to herself. "You remember the plan, right Cleffa?"

"Youbetsis! Ohboythisissoexciting! Ilovemuggingpeople! Let'sbeathimupandtakehisstuff! Iwannaseebloodbloodblood!"

Clefairy glared at him. "Every night I lie awake and wonder what is so deeply wrong with you. Then I realize I don't really care what it is and I just want you to die."

"Awthankssis! You'resonice! Ilovespendingtimewithyou! Weshoulddothismoreoftenwhenwe'renotjumpingpeopleinthewoods!" Cleffa was zipping erratically back and forth while his eye twitched. Clefairy very quickly lost her patience and punched him in the face, knocking him out cold.

"That felt fantastic."

"What Eevee doesn't realize, of course, is that I totally fooled her," Pichu was saying in the meantime. "Even if I lose the bet and die, there's no way she can get those thousand Rupees out of me! 'Cause I'll be dead! Ha! Aren't I a genius?"

"I think I just felt a vein pop…"

Just then, an unconscious Cleffa came plummeting down from the treetops and crashed right in front of Epona. She whinnied loudly in shock and accidentally threw Pichu off her back, and he screamed before hitting the ground and blacking out.

"Woah. That worked out great," said Clefairy, floating down from the trees. "Hey Nuzleaf! Come on out!"

Epona, who was extremely confused at this point in time, looked nervously around before seeing something that made her balk. All of a sudden, out of the forest gloom materialized a purple, heart-shaped mask that had spikes coming out of it and sported a pair of demonic yellow eyes. It briefly appeared to hover in midair, and only after a moment did it become clear that there was a Pokémon standing there and wearing it over his face.

"Tee hee! You fairies did great!" he laughed, briefly lifting up the mask to get a good look at the unconscious Pichu. "Now we can just – what the heck happened to Cleffa?"

"It was a necessary loss. We shall all mourn his passing."

"Heysis! LookatmeI'mbetter! Ohboyohboythatwasfun!" said Cleffa, abruptly springing up in front of Clefairy.

"Unfortunately, it appears to have been a temporary loss."

Meanwhile, the Nuzleaf was crouched down in front of Pichu and was rummaging through his stuff. "Let's see… porn, porn, porn, illegal fireworks, harvested organs, about five pounds of cannabis… ooh, a Pokéflute! Awesome!"

"Excuse me, but what the crap are you doing?" Epona demanded of him. "You can't just steal that kid's stuff! That was _my _plan!"

"Ohcoolohcool! It'saPokéflute! Iwannaplaywithit! Nuzleafletmeplaywithit!" cried Cleffa, zipping around Nuzleaf like a Ninjask on caffeine.

Clefairy clonked him angrily over the head. "Cleffa, shut up! You can't touch that thing! You probably don't even know what to do with it!"

"YesIdo! YesIdo! Watchthis!" He yanked the Pokéflute out of Nuzleaf's hands and started swinging it around like a baseball bat, smacking Clefairy and Nuzleaf upside the head. It was thanks to all this commotion that Pichu finally came to his senses.

"Ow… dammit, I think I fractured my skull again… maybe I'd better get some medical attention for – HOLY CRAP! What the heck's going on here?"

Nuzleaf had managed to grab the Pokéflute back from Cleffa, but now he jumped and turned around to find a very pissed-off Pichu glaring at him. Pichu may not have been very smart, but he still realized there was something going on when a mask-wearing weirdo was holding onto his Pokéflute.

"Uh… what's going on is… THIS yoink!" He jumped into the air just as Pichu threw himself at him and landed on Epona's back. "Come on horsey, let's ride!"

Pichu scoffed at him. "Nice try, loser! Epona only listens to me!"

"OH, YES, YES! TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS IDIOT!" Epona cheered, gleefully racing off with Nuzleaf on her back. "HA HA HA HA! FREE AT LAST! SO LONG, FATTY!"

Pichu's eye twitched. "**&*?# YOU EPONA!**" he screamed, racing after them. Finally he managed to throw himself at Epona and grab onto her side, but this only resulted in him being dragged through forest very painfully as his arms were nearly torn off.

"OW! OW! OW! I really need to think these things through better!"

Finally Nuzleaf lost his patience and just kicked Pichu off of Epona, sending him flying backwards and crashing to the ground. A lesser Pokémon would have given up at that point, but with all his manly honor at stake Pichu could afford no less than to hunt that Nuzleaf down and mercilessly slaughter him for this effrontery. And so he charged blindly after Epona, swearing loudly to himself all the while.

"Yeah, you'd better run, asshole!" Pichu shouted after Nuzleaf as he finally ran into a very dark tunnel. "Don't you know who I am? You should know better than to mess with the likes of **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!**"

Pichu had just run straight off a ledge before he could stop himself and now found himself falling head over heels into the inky blackness below. He plummeted down and down, falling hundreds of feet before finally landing, but somehow he didn't die. Okay, seriously, who writes this crap?

––

"Hee hee hee hee!" came a voice from somewhere in the darkness. "You were honestly stupid enough to follow me here? I – wait a sec, why's it so dark in here? Fairies, get the lights!"

"Yeah, yeah..."

Pichu squinted and covered his eyes as Clefairy and Cleffa switched on a pair of spotlights from high up in the trees, revealing Nuzleaf hovering eerily above the ground and looking at him from across a pond.

"That's better. Now then – " He cleared his throat. "HEE HEE HEE HEE! You fool! I shall obliterate you!"

"YOU!" Pichu snapped, jumping to his feet. "What'd you do with my horse? You got rid of her, didn't you?"

"Uh, no. She up and bolted all by herself, she was so desperate to get away from you. You're really not very popular, are you?"

"I don't like being reminded," Pichu pouted. Then he got angry and balled his fists. "But that doesn't mean I'm not gonna kick your leafy little ass!"

Nuzleaf just laughed again, in quite a creepy voice I might add. "Oh, come now... you really think you can beat me as I am?"

Then all of a sudden, he began to rattle his head. A wave of dark purple energy began to radiate from off the mask on his face, distorting the air around it and enveloping Pichu within seconds.

"What the – " Pichu moaned in pain and grabbed at his head. What was happening to him...?

––

_He found himself in a dark empty void, lacking any features. There was no sign of Nuzleaf, Clefairy or Cleffa; he was completely alone._

"_Woah, trippy... hang on a sec! Where am I? What the heck's going on! I'm completely sober right now!"_

_His thoughts were interrupted by a loud rustling sound behind him. He quickly turned around and his eyes bulged; all of a sudden, he had been surrounded by dozens of Grass-type Pokémon. They were crowding hungrily around him and staring at him with malice in their eyes._

_Pichu freaked out. "CRAP! Where's my rape whistle?" he cried, spinning around and running away as fast as he could. He heard the Grass-types following after him, but within moments he had gotten a safe distance away._

"_HA! So long, assholes! I – "_

_His voice caught in his throat as the ground began to shake and an absolutely enormous Serperior appeared over the horizon, slithering directly toward him._

"_I TAKE IT BACK!" Pichu shrieked, but was powerless to do a thing as the giant serpent lunged at him and everything went black..._

––

He groaned and slowly opened his eyes. He realized he was back in the clearing with Nuzleaf, but why did everything suddenly feel so strange?

Nuzleaf looked incredibly amused at the sight of him. "Hee hee hee! Now that's a good look for you! You'll stay here looking like that forever!"

Pichu's eyes widened. "Huh? What do you..."

Afraid of what he would see, he ever so slowly peered over and stared at his reflection in the pond, only to find there wasn't a Pichu staring back...

"**AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!**" he shrieked in horror, jumping backwards and grabbing at his head. "What the hell is this, Pokémon Mystery Dungeon? I've been turned into a Smugleaf!"

Nuzleaf frowned. "What? They're called _Snivys_, you idiot!"

"Where do you get _your_ info?"

"I… oh, forget it! I'm not wasting any more time arguing with you! Have fun trying to break that curse, freakshow!"

With that, Nuzleaf started floating backwards through an open doorway behind him, laughing evilly all the while and planning on leaving the Pichu-turned-Snivy stranded there forever.

"HEY! Where do you think you're going?" Pichu demanded, racing across the pond and charging after Nuzleaf only to be knocked to the ground as Clefairy punched him in the face.

"Man, I love doing that."

At that moment, Nuzleaf had vanished through the doorway and Cleffa was right behind him. "Heysiswhatareyoudoing? Hurryuporyou'llbestuckoverthereand – " Thankfully the universe showed some degree of mercy and slammed the door shut behind him, blocking out his voice.

Clefairy spun around in shock. "WOAH! HEY! Nuzleaf, I'm still over here!" She ran up to the door and started pounding on it. "What the hell? YOU ASSHOLE! DO YOU NOT EVEN REALIZE YOU'RE MISSING A FAIRY? WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

Pichu slowly picked himself up, grinning sadistically at her misfortune. "Ha! That's what you get for messing with me! Bet you wished you hadn't crossed paths with me now, don't you?"

The grin immediately fell from his face as Clefairy turned to glare at him with bloody murder in her eyes. "Uh…"

"YOU!" she screamed, throwing herself onto the hapless Snivy and beating the crap out of him. "If I wasn't dealing with you, I wouldn't have gotten separated from my brother!"

"Uh, I'm not understanding the logic here… I thought you hated your brother."

"You don't understand! I'm the only one who can possibly keep him under control!" Clefairy insisted. "Now he's out there in the world somewhere, completely unchecked… the world doesn't stand a chance! It's my moral duty to go after him! So hurry up and open that door for me!"

Pichu glared at her. "Why would I help _you? _You just punched me in the face!"

"Yeah, I was hoping you'd forgotten about that. Listen, I happen to know where Nuzleaf is going, so if you help me out here we can go after him."

Pichu folded his arms and turned away. "Forget it. I don't trust you."

"…And I'll give you a cookie."

"HOT DOG!" Pichu cheered, racing at the door and opening it up. He charged through a tunnel only to jerk to a stop at the sight of a deep chasm separating him and the next door.

"Uh, what now?"

"Oh, that's the great thing about being a Snivy," said Clefairy, casually floating up behind him. "You can burrow into those big pink flowers, like the one you're standing on, and use them to fly across gaps. It's pretty neat."

Pichu looked very interested at that. "Woah! I can _fly? _Totally wicked! I'll get through this place in no time flat!"

––

Several minutes later, Pichu was shrieking in terror as the spinning flowers he was holding onto sent him flying wildly out of control, zigzagging back and forth and slamming into walls.

"This pleases me," Clefairy decided.

With a maximal amount of pain and effort, Pichu finally made it all the way across the large gap he'd been trying to cross. He was about to walk through the door when something very strange-looking suddenly caught his eye.

"Woah… get a load of that thing," said Clefairy. She and Pichu were staring at some sort of strange half-Snivy, half-tree that was rooted into the ground, a pained and agonized expression permanently etched into its motionless face.

"Hey, that thing kind of looks like me," Pichu realized.

"Possibly because you're the same species, genius."

"Yes, my intellect can be intimidating at times."

Clefairy shook her head and shoved him through the door. The two of them traveled down a very trippy, twisted hallway that was highly reminiscent of a certain part of the Forest Temple before emerging into a wide-open room full of stone walls and turning gears. Pichu jumped as a metal door slammed shut behind him.

"Well, now I'm trapped here forever. That's peachy. Where are we exactly?"

"Beats the heck out of me. But Nuzleaf can't have gone too far, so let's get out of here and start looking."

They were about to do just that, when suddenly…

"You've met with a terrible fate, haven't you?"

Pichu yelped in shock and turned around, finding himself staring up at an extremely creepy, vaguely pedophilic-looking Yamask. His hands were folded together as he looked down at Pichu with a very eerie smile on his face. The mask that his kind normally carried around with them was currently hanging from an enormous pack slung over his back, along with about a dozen other masks.

"…Okay, now I'm _really _missing that rape whistle."

"Who the crap are you?" asked Clefairy, looking pretty creeped out herself.

"Why, you delightful child. I am the Happy Yamask Salesman," said the ghost, never once losing his disturbing smile. "I travel around the world in search of masks. However, as it would happen, a very important mask was recently stolen from me by an imp in the woods. You wouldn't happen to have seen this person, would you?"

"Uh…" Pichu thought long and hard, wracking his memory very thoroughly for any possibility of the person he could have been referring to. "Nope."

"Let me help you out. His name is Nuzleaf and he is the one who cursed you into your current form."

"Oh, right. That guy."

"But fear not, for I know of a way to return you to your former self," said the Happy Yamask Salesman. "If you can get back the precious item that was stolen from you, I will return you to normal."

Pichu looked horrified. "He stole my black market organs?"

"I think he's talking about your Pokéflute," Clefairy muttered.

"Oh. Dammit, why doesn't anybody talk clearly around here?"

"If I may continue?" asked the Yamask with an utterly horrible smile that instantly made Pichu and Clefairy fall silent. "All I ask in return is that you also recover the mask that was stolen from me. Only… I would be very grateful if you returned it to me quickly, for I must leave this place in three days."

"Probably to go molest some children," Pichu muttered before Clefairy smacked him in the head. "Uh, I mean, sure thing, mister creepy guy. Whatever you say."

"Excellent. I'm sure for one such as you, this should be by no means a difficult task…"

"Okay, we're leaving," Clefairy cut in, deciding she was going to kill someone if she had to look at his smile for one more second. She immediately shoved Pichu up the metal stairs toward the large doors that assumedly led back outside.

"What the heck did he mean by one such as you?" she hissed at him. "What's so great about you?"

Pichu straightened up importantly. "Haven't you heard? I'm the savior of Hyrule! I saved the whole country from an evil tyrant! I'm sure getting a mask back for some guy will be nothing compared to _that_, right?"

"…Right. Sure."

And with that they pushed the door open, stepping into the world that awaited them outside…


	2. New Problems in a New Town

**Dawn of  
><strong>**THE FIRST DAY  
><strong>**-72 Hours Remain-**

Pichu and Clefairy found themselves standing in the middle of Clock Town, a bustling burg that was much more technologically forward than anywhere in Hyrule. Pichu turned around and realized they had just come walking out of a huge clock tower, which currently read 6 am.

"Ah, Clock Town. The center of Termina, the most depressing land in the world," Clefairy said knowingly. "Every time I visit this place it makes me want to kill myself, but I usually just end up punching Cleffa instead."

"What's with all the carpenters?" asked Pichu, who was watching the various Bidoofs carrying long wooden planks around and nailing some large structure together.

"They're setting up for the Carnival of Time, which is a big celebration they hold every year that takes their minds off the futility and mundaneness of their existence. It's sad, really. But enough about that. Let's go find the Great Fairy."

Pichu froze up in horror. "The _what?_" he cried. "Those sins against nature followed me here?"

"Oh, don't be such a baby. The Great Fairy will be able to tell you what's up with that curse on you, and just between you and me, Nuzleaf doesn't stand a chance against her."

Pichu frowned, wondering if it was worth it having to expose himself to one of those scantily clad nightmares again. "I dunno… actually, I kinda like being a Snivy."

Just then, a Lillipup who had been prancing through town noticed Pichu and stopped dead, letting out a throaty growl. Pichu noticed this too late and shrieked as it threw itself at him and started viciously mauling him.

"This also pleases me," Clefairy decided.

"Okay, Great Fairy it is," Pichu groaned in pain after the Lillipup had contentedly skipped away. "Woah. Uh… Clefairy… is the moon supposed to look like that?"

"What?" Clefairy realized that Pichu was looking up at the sky from his current position and followed his gaze. "What are you **HOLY **&*?#**ING MOTHER OF **&*?#** IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY WHAT THE **&*?#** IS THAT?**"

The two of them were staring up at the most enormous moon they had ever seen, floating less than a mile above the earth and looking ready to drop out of the sky at any moment. This would have been frightening enough on its own, but the moon also happened to be staring _back _at them with a pair of huge bloodshot eyes and a wide toothy grimace that was twisted into an unspeakable expression of pure malice and evil.

"Hey, kids! Don't forget the Carnival of Time in three days!" said a completely oblivious Bidoof carpenter, slapping a flyer over Pichu's face before skipping off.

"It's official. I hate this place," said Clefairy.

––

"Mister Mayor! Mister Mayor!" Pichu shrieked, throwing open the door to the mayor's office in East Clock Town. "The moon is falling! And it has a face! I swear to Entei I'm not crazy! Well okay, maybe I am a little crazy but I'm definitely telling the truth about this!"

"What the hell? Who let the skink in here?" demanded a Bibarel standing in the office. Pichu realized he had walked right into an argument between the Bibarel, who was the head carpenter, and the captain of the guard, a Furret.

"You idiotic child, we've all seen that moon already!" the Furret growled at Pichu. "Which is why Mayor Lucario must issue an evacuation order! Most of the townsfolk have already taken shelter without waiting for the mayor's orders!"

"You cowards! Do you actually believe the moon will fall?" Bibarel snarled at him. "The confused townsfolk simply caused a panic by believing this ridiculous, groundless theory! Not like us Bidoofs, the strongest and most intelligent Pokémon in existence and the utter epitome of evolution! _We _shall not be swayed by this senseless panic! On with the carnival, I say!"

"Erm…" muttered the mayor, shrinking back in his chair. He was basically a spineless loser despite being a Lucario, which should give you an idea of how very, very lame he really was.

"You imbecile!" Furret whacked Bibarel over the head with his spear. "Has the giant chunk of rock failed to catch your eye? At this time every year we're overrun by tourists, so why is the town empty?"

"Big deal! Celestial bodies grow faces all the time, isn't that right, Mayor Lucario?"

"Um…"

"_What are you drinking?_ All must take refuge!" Furret screamed.

"On with the carnival!" Bibarel screamed back. Finally they both lost their patience and went at it right there in the office, flying into a chaotic scuffle with Bibarel clubbing Furret over the head with a two-by-four and Furret stabbing Bibarel with his spear.

"I don't get paid enough for this," Mayor Lucario sighed, swigging from a bottle of whiskey. Pichu and Clefairy had left several minutes ago.

––

"Well, as always, the town government is completely useless. Looks like it's up to me to save this world," said Pichu, puffing his chest out heroically.

"Just kill me now," Clefairy muttered.

So they fell back on their original plan and traveled to North Clock Town, where the Great Fairy made her home. As they walked through the tunnel that led to the Great Fairy Fountain, however, they immediately realized something was off.

"What the crap happened here?" Clefairy demanded. Rather than a Great Fairy waiting inside the fountain, there were just a bunch of little fairies floating around. They didn't appear to resemble any Pokémon of any kind, and were instead just a bunch of bulbous heads with tiny little bodies and wings.

Clefairy glared at Pichu. "Something happened to the Great Fairy! This is _your _fault, isn't it?"

"How the heck is it _my _fault? Granted I'd probably do something horrible to her if I got the chance, but…"

"Young one, please hear my plea!" came a voice from seemingly out of nowhere that made Pichu jump. "The one called Nuzleaf has broken me and scattered my pieces! Please find the missing Stray Fairy and return it here!"

Pichu raised an eyebrow at Clefairy. "What was that about Nuzleaf being no match for her?"

Clefairy frowned. "Wait… Nuzleaf did this? But why? He wouldn't hurt anybody unless there was some sort of monetary gain involved… and maybe for fun once in a while… hmm, maybe I should have a talk with him. Anyway, Pichu, let's go find that Stray Fairy!"

Pichu groaned loudly. "Do we really have to?"

"Would you just grow up already? If we don't help the Great Fairy you'll be stuck as a Snivy forever!"

"…Yeah, I think it's worth it."

"And Termina will be crushed by the giant moon!"

"Still worth it."

Clefairy grabbed him and threw him out of the Fairy Fountain, then followed after him. The two of them ended up wasting all day looking around town for the missing fairy, and by the time they arrived at the Laundry Pool night had fallen.

**Night of the First Day  
><strong>**-60 Hours Remain-**

"That moon is definitely getting bigger…" Pichu said with a shiver, gazing up at the enormous chunk of rock above their heads.

"Yes, the bad news is we're all going to be horribly crushed in a matter of days and there's likely not a thing we can do about it. The good news is, look, a fairy!"

"You're right, I feel so much more hopeful about the future now."

Sure enough, another big-headed fairy was floating above the creek in the Laundry Pool, casting a glow over the otherwise darkened area.

"Well, what are you waiting for? Go and get it!" said Clefairy, nudging him up to the creek.

"Hang on a sec… you've got the magic fairy floating thing going on. Why don't _you _get it?"

"Because I've got better things to do and I enjoy watching you suffer."

"You know, you vaguely remind me of someone."

"I'm sure she was very attractive. Now get going!" Clefairy snapped, shoving him into the water. He began shrieking and flailing around before he realized that as a Snivy, he had the ability to hop on water.

"Woah! Check it out! This is _awesome!_" he cheered, skipping back and forth across the creek. "Ha ha ha! I could do this all ni – " He abruptly plunged into the water and didn't resurface.

"…On second thought, maybe it'll be faster if I get it," Clefairy decided.

––

A while later, Clefairy re-entered the Great Fairy Fountain while carrying the Stray Fairy in one hand and dragging the waterlogged and half-drowned Pichu along in the other hand.

"You're really lucky you have me, you know," she muttered, slapping Pichu on the back and causing him to cough up more water. "Oh Great Fairy! We brought your… uh… piece of yourself… man that sounds wrong…"

All of a sudden, the Stray Fairy let out a squeal of joy and flew out of Clefairy's hand to join the other fairies. They began spinning around each other faster and faster before they vanished in a flash of light and an enormous, bikini-clad Clefable rose up out of the water with a deafening shriek of a laugh.

"Hoo boy," Pichu sighed, picking up a shard of rock to stab his eyes out with.

"Clefairy, and you of the altered shape," said the Clefable, "thank you for returning my broken and shattered body to normal. And please put the rock down."

Clefairy yanked the rock out of Pichu's hands before he could do anything. "Yeah, whatever… so, since we saved you and stuff, that means you can turn me back to normal, right?"

"I'm afraid not. The dark magic that Nuzleaf used on you is much more powerful than my own."

Pichu's eye twitched. "THEN WHAT WAS THE POINT OF ALL THAT?"

"Now, now, don't worry. I can still assist you by granting you a new attack."

And with that, the Clefable caused a beam of bright light to come down and envelop Pichu. He began to grow lightheaded and sway around like he was stoned or something, and when the light faded away he had somehow learned a new attack.

"Congratulations! You have now learned Energy Ball," said the Clefable. "You can use this to launch an attack on your enemies."

"Uh, okay, but how does this help my Snivy problem?"

"The Pokémon who lives in the observatory outside of town may know of Nuzleaf's whereabouts. But be careful not to underestimate that child's strength."

"Yeah that's great, but again, how is this attack supposed to help – "

"If you ever regain your true form, come and see me again!" the Clefable said very unhelpfully, vanishing back into the water with another ungodly laugh.

"DAMMIT WOMAN!" Pichu shrieked as Clefairy dragged him back outside. "Seriously, I could already fight! How does this improve my situation at all?"

Clefairy rolled her eyes. "Oh, I don't know. Maybe you could try launching Energy Balls at the moon and blowing it up."

Pichu brightened up. "Yeah! That's a great idea!"

At this point it was a little after midnight, and an elderly Froslass was floating down the nearby path with a very large bomb bag slung over her shoulders.

"Anyway, Pichu, the Great Fairy always gives out gifts for a reason. I'm sure you'll find a use for that new move somehow."

At that very moment, a nasty-looking Sneasel suddenly came racing down the path in the opposite direction as the Froslass and rammed into her. She cried out and fell to the ground, and the next thing she knew the thief had swiped her bomb bag away and was running off with it.

"My bombs! Somebody stop him!" she cried.

Pichu whirled around. "STOP, FIEND!" he shrieked and flung an Energy Ball at the Sneasel, causing the bomb bag to violently explode and instantly killing him.

"Oops."

"Wow. You're an idiot _and _a complete psychopath. You must be a real devil with the ladies."

"Well, I did kinda have a girlfriend, but she had to flee the country after trying to assassinate the princess for dressing up like a man."

"Uh huh."

––

**A/N: **Yeah, I miss Togetic too… but on the bright side, I love Clock Town. Love love love it.


	3. The Secret Society of Stupidity

After spending several hours hiding from the authorities investigating Sneasel's death, Pichu and Clefairy finally crept back into North Clock Town to ponder what to do next.

"Well, the Great Fairy said that the Pokémon living in the observatory might know where Nuzleaf is," Clefairy reminded him. "But when we find him, you have to promise you won't freak out again and kill him accidentally."

"Oh, quit worrying. That was strictly a one-time thing," said Pichu, only to turn and find himself staring directly up at the frightening and wicked mask that Nuzleaf wore.

"ACK! DIE NUZLEAF!" he freaked out, flinging an Energy Ball at it and causing it to explode.

"Pichu, that was a balloon," Clefairy sighed.

"Yeah, and it was lookin' at me funny!"

"Hey, what's the deal?" demanded an obnoxious-looking little Patrat holding a blowgun. "Hey, did you just pop my balloon? Not bad for a Snivy!"

Clefairy raised an eyebrow at him. "Look who's talking, Bucktooth Billy."

"In fact, if you could do that, you might just be awesome enough to join the Bombers!" said Patrat. "We're an elite Secret Society of Justice, and we have a hideout that leads to the observatory outside town."

"That's eerily convenient."

"But you need a code to get in, and I can't just tell it to you. You have to pass my test."

"Like beating you up until you crack and tell it to us?" Clefairy asked eagerly, pounding her fist into her palm.

"Uh… no, I was thinking more like playing hide and seek. Okay, line up everybody!" Patrat shouted, and suddenly a Rattata, Sentret, Zigzagoon and Bidoof came scampering out from all directions and lined up next to him.

"Are you ready? If you can find all five of us by tomorrow morning, I'll teach you the code!"

Pichu grinned. "Tomorrow morning? Ha! That'll be no prob – "

**Dawn of  
><strong>**THE SECOND DAY  
><strong>**-48 Hours Remain-**

"…Hang on, can I get an extension?"

"Sorry, rules are rules," said Patrat, only for Clefairy to crack her knuckles ominously and glare at him. "…Uh, okay, you get one more day. But we still have to make sure you don't cheat and watch us while we go hide."

"Uh… okay, how?"

"Like this," said Patrat, hitting Pichu over the head with a rock and knocking him out.

––

"Stupid freaking gopher… I hate everyone… grumble grumble… fried cherry tomatoes…" Pichu griped to himself a while later as he trudged through East Clock Town. As if his troubles weren't already great enough, it had started to rain and now he and Clefairy were getting soaked.

But on the bright side, since he had to spend the day looking all around town for the Bombers, he also got a chance to meet more of the rather interesting townsfolk.

"ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT! BOTH OF YOU GET OUT!" screamed Mayor Lucario's "attractive" wife, Madame Jynx, as she kicked open the door to the mayor's office and angrily threw out a Marshtomp and a Linoone. "I've had enough b*tching from the both of you! Linoone, your troupe's carnival performance has been cancelled and that's that!"

…Okay, so that wasn't a bright side at all. So sue me.

"But it's not fair!" Linoone protested feebly. "We were supposed to open for the world famous Indigo-Gos, and now you're telling me they're cancelling their performance for the first time? Completely preposterous!"

"What about 'Our lead singer has lost her voice' do you not understand?" Marshtomp snapped at him. "Stop thinking about yourself for once and start thinking about me, the handsome and important one! I can't exactly have my band give a concert without our lead singer!"

Linoone was getting desperate. "Sure you can! Just have her fake it or something!"

Marshtomp looked highly insulted. "HOW DARE YOU, SIR!" he bellowed, slapping Linoone in the face. "TRUE SINGING CANNOT BE FAKED! IT'S NOT LIKE SEX!"

"I suggest we turn around and walk in the opposite direction," Clefairy muttered to Pichu.

"Good plan," Pichu agreed, only to glance up and notice the Sentret standing on the roof of a building with a Torchic in his hands.

"Ha ha! You're not catching me!" the Sentret taunted him, jumping off the building and floating through the air thanks to the Torchic rapidly flapping its wings.

"All right! Moving target practice!" Pichu cheered, hurling a massive Energy Ball at the Sentret. He screamed as it exploded on contact and sent him plummeting from the sky, landing on top of Marshtomp and sending him crumpling to the ground with a broken back.

"Well, this just isn't a good year for the Indigo-Gos, it would seem," Madame Jynx observed.

––

As the afternoon wore on, Pichu eventually caught four out of the five Bombers but was having trouble finding the last one.

"Man, this is freaking hard. I'm going to bed."

Clefairy glared at him. "Pichu, you only have until tomorrow morning to find all of them."

"Yeah, but you'll wake me up in time, won't you?"

"Absolutely not."

Pichu just flipped her off and climbed up to the roof of the Stock Pot Inn with the intent of breaking in, but was stunned to find the Rattata hiding in that very spot.

"Oh no, you found me!" he groaned, realizing he was cornered. "You're really good at hide and seek."

"Huh?" Pichu blinked at his completely unintentional victory. "Uh, oh yeah! I totally kicked your guys' asses! Now get out of the way, I'm going to bed."

The Rattata gave a confused look as Clefairy lost her patience and threw Pichu off the roof.

"Well, I guess you found all of us. That was a pretty good job," said Patrat once Pichu, Clefairy and all the Bombers had gathered together. "Although I think you were a little hard on Sentret."

"I can't feel my legs," Sentret moaned from facedown on the ground.

"Yes, life is hard. Now like I was saying, you're pretty impressive for a Snivy."

Clefairy gave him a look. "What is it with you and your superiority complex? You realize your species is a lot suckier than Snivys, don't you?"

Patrat walked up to Pichu and gave him a light shove. Pichu immediately fell over on his back and started struggling unsuccessfully to get up, making whining noises.

"I stand corrected."

"If only you weren't a Grass-type, we'd give you an official Bombers' Notebook and make you a member," Patrat sighed. "But we once let another Grass-type join us and we really regretted it. He ripped the head off one of our members and wrote a bunch of threatening messages all over our hideout with his blood. Took us weeks to get the stains out, that jerk."

Pichu sat up and glared. "So you automatically assume I'll do the same thing just because I'm the same type?"

"Our logic is flawless. Also, you look an awful lot like one of the fairies who was with him," Patrat said to Clefairy.

She quickly went shifty-eyed. "What? That's stupid. You're stupid. Uh, look, a monkey!"

"WHERE?" Pichu shrieked in delight, leaping to his feet and scampering off.

"Not the distraction I was going for, but okay. Anyway, you guys can just tell me the code and I'll give it to him."

"Yeah, fine," said Patrat. Then he gave a signal and all five of the Bombers stood in a line and turned around, revealing that each of them had tattooed a large number on their backs.

"The code is 5 1 3 2 4. Don't forget it!"

Clefairy was deeply disturbed. "Couldn't have just written those numbers on shirts?"

"Pokémon don't wear shirts, silly."

––

**Night of the Second Day  
>-36 Hours Remain-<strong>

By the time Pichu stopped running around looking for the nonexistent monkey, he was soaking wet and exhausted and not particularly in the mood to go looking around for the Bombers' Hideout. So as evening fell over Clock Town, he fell back on his original plan and climbed back to the roof of the Stock Pot Inn, smashing one of the windows with a rock and crawling in.

"You've been here less than two days and you've already killed someone, maimed several other people and broken into a building. I can tell this little quest is going to be a real barrel of laughs."

"Yup! Every day is a fun new adventure for me," Pichu said brightly, getting a look around at the room he'd just broken into. "Well, I suppose this place is fine, just so long as the owners aren't as neurotic as everybody else in this town."

No sooner had he spoken when both of them suddenly heard a voice coming from the adjacent room.

"Check it out! This room is totally falling apart," Clefairy realized, pointing over at a crack in the wall. "You can hear everything that's going on in that other room."

"YAY! Super fun time!" Pichu cheered, racing over to the wall and pressing his ear up to it.

"And now you're guilty of voyeurism. You must be going for a new record or something."

"Now listen, we're leaving tomorrow for Romani Ranch," said the voice in the other room. "We'll be safe there, and if your so-called fiancée is there I will personally rip out his spinal cord and force him to jump rope with it."

"No, Mother, please…" said a much softer voice. "He wouldn't run off with her, I know it… and the letter said he would definitely come back…"

"Come back to what? You? Please, you're nothing but an ugly little floozy who waits around for men who will never come. And don't you forget it."

"Yes, Mother…"

"Besides, how happy would you be marrying a man who runs off just as he's to be married? It would make your life unhappy, just like your mother's… I mean, look at me! All I have to show for myself is this crapsack of an inn and a whining hussy of a daughter."

"I think I should go to bed, Mother."

"Hey, come back here! I'm not done demeaning you! Don't make me get out the butcher knife!"

Pichu drew away from the wall. "On second thought, I'll just sleep outside."

––

The two of them curled up on the bench outside the inn and got up shortly before dawn, and after getting a glance up at the ever-growing moon Pichu quickly decided to move the plot along. He and Clefairy wandered over to the entrance to the Bombers' Hideout, where a little Minccino was guarding the way.

"Um… do you want to get in the Bombers' Hideout? Then you have to say the code," he said timidly.

"Now please tell me you actually remember it, Pichu," Clefairy sighed.

"Don't worry! I wrote it on my forehead so I'd remember it," Pichu said proudly, then went cross-eyed as he tried unsuccessfully to look up at his forehead. "Uh… hang on, there may have been a slight flaw in this plan."

"Sorry. Patrat said I'm not allowed to let anybody in who doesn't know the code," the Minccino said apologetically.

Pichu glared at him. "Do you always do what Patrat tells you?" he accused. "I bet he just pushes you around because he's scared of your potential! Heck, if you put your mind to it I bet you could found a massive empire and take over all of Termina, crushing everybody who gets in your way!"

The Minccino's eyes lit up as he heard that. "Hey, wow, you're right!" he said excitedly. "Thanks a lot, mister! I'm gonna remember what you said!"

And with that, he happily skipped off and left the entrance to the Bombers' Hideout wide open. In the years to come he would take Pichu's words to heart and become a soulless military dictator, forming a cruel and nightmarish totalitarian government that would conquer all of Termina and leave its subjects cowering in his wake as he stained the land with the blood of his many slain foes. But that's not important.

Once he was gone, Pichu grinned and struck a heroic pose. "And that's how we get things done the Pichu way!"

"Never, ever say that again."

––

**A/N: **Ohoho no, I'm not telling you what Anju and Kafei are yet, you have to guess… :D


	4. Pichu Gets Mooned

**A/N: **This part was fun to write. :D

––

**Dawn of  
>THE FINAL DAY<br>-24 Hours Remain-**

The sun rose on the last day Termina would ever see. There were very few people left in Clock Town, most of them having fled in a desperate attempt to distance themselves from the moon that was now absolutely enormous in the sky. Among those who remained were the town guards, who were unable to do anything other than gaze up in fear at the huge chunk of rock above their heads.

All this was unbeknownst to Pichu, who was currently wading though ankle-deep sewage.

"Who the heck puts a hideout in the middle of a dump like _this?_" he complained as he plodded through the who-knows-what. "I'm going to be smelly for weeks after this!"

Clefairy glared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? The world's going to be destroyed in less than a day and you complain about a thing like that?"

"Yes. Haven't you figured me out yet? I'm extremely callous and only care about stupid things that center around me."

"I wonder if it's too late to start writing my eulogy."

Pichu lost track of how long he was down there navigating through that maze, but finally he reached a large room with a ladder leading off somewhere. He climbed it and found himself in a very psychedelic-looking room with a multicolored staircase leading up to a platform with a huge telescope on it.

"Did we crash a hippie pad or something?" Pichu wondered as they walked up the stairs.

"Nah, this is where the astronomer lives. I think there used to be hippies here, but he chopped them up and fed them to Sharpedos."

"Ah."

"Well, well… a strange-looking child has joined me here today," said the astronomer, a wizened old Alakazam, as he saw Pichu approach. "Are you a new friend of the Bombers gang?"

Pichu paused. "'Friend' is a very operative term…"

"Bah, no matter. Just so long as you're not one of those damn dirty hippies… I hate them so much… anyway, your manners seem much better than those of your mischievous friend from the other day."

Clefairy looked at Pichu and tried to imagine him with any semblance of good manners. "I don't think we're talking about the same person."

"As a matter of fact, I'll bet if you look through the telescope even now you'll see him causing trouble around the Clock Tower."

"Really? Awesome!" said Pichu, violently shoving the Alakazam out of the way and off the platform. There was a loud crash as he looked into the telescope, which gave him a nice view of all of Clock Town.

"Let's see… boring, boring, boring… **WOAH-HO-HO!** What are _those _two guys doing? Oh man, they should really close their blinds…"

Clefairy impatiently slugged him in the stomach. "You &*?#ing pervert, look at the _Clock Tower!_" she ordered, moving the telescope accordingly. Pichu looked through it and zoomed in on the Clock Tower, and was stunned to see Nuzleaf standing up on the top.

"What's he doing? Can you see?" Clefairy asked urgently.

"Uh, yeah… he's shaking his butt at me and giving me the finger… oh, and there's a big rock that just fell out of the moon's eye and is heading straight for us."

"What – "

A large flaming stone suddenly came smashing through the ceiling, sending Pichu and Clefairy flying into a wall and obliterating most of the observatory as it crashed.

"NOT MY FAULT! YOU CAN'T PROVE I DID IT!" Pichu shouted desperately.

"Oh my goodness! It's a Moon's Tear!" exclaimed the Alakazam as he examined the stone, which turned out to be bright blue and teardrop-shaped. "These are incredibly rare! I could sell this and buy a gun to get rid of those damn hippies!"

"Aw, but I want it!" Pichu whined. "The moon is going to fall and kill all of them anyway."

"Hmm… you make a good point. All right, here," the Alakazam agreed, giving the stone to Pichu. "I suppose if worse comes to worst, I can always use my meat cleaver on them."

––

**Night of the Final Day  
>-12 Hours Remain-<strong>

Clock Town was now almost entirely deserted. Within three days it had collapsed into a ghost town that now had only hours left in its existence. The carnival tower was standing incomplete in the middle of South Clock Town, as all the carpenters had finally run off. The only one left was Bibarel, who was shouting drunken obscenities up at the moon and throwing empty liquor bottles at anybody who got close to him.

And since the tower was incomplete, Pichu had to find a different way to get up to the Clock Tower and confront Nuzleaf. Needless to say, that didn't go too well.

"Man, this would be a lot easier if I had a grappling hook or some cleats," he complained as he attempted to climb up the side of the tower. He'd been at this for several hours. "C-Money, you don't have an HM for Rock Climb with you, do you?"

"Sure, I keep it right here in my pocket next to my microwave and my water purifier," Clefairy said sarcastically. "…Did you just call me C-Money?"

"I didn't think you'd mind."

Clefairy finally lost her patience and punched him in the head. "Stop fooling around! We have to think of a way to get up there that will actually work!"

"HEY! WAIT A MINUTE!" came a loud voice from up in the air. Pichu and Clefairy looked up to see a Skiploom flying up above their heads before he settled down on top of a large yellow Deku Flower.

"This flower is my private property! Don't try to use it while I'm not around!"

"Well, I wasn't planning on it, but now that you've said that I'm sorely tempted."

The Skiploom smacked him. "I'm serious! This is _my _flower! I have a deed and everything, and I'm not about to let some punk go using it for no… oh my…" his eyes were drawn to the shiny blue stone in Pichu's hands. "Is that a Moon's Tear?"

Pichu defensively held the stone close to himself. "My shiny!"

"Oh, please, won't you give that to me? It would be the perfect souvenir for my wife!" the Skiploom insisted. "If you gave me that, I would gladly part with the deed to this flower."

"Pichu, think about this. He wants your shiny thing, and _we _need to get rid of him so we can use that flower to fly up to the Clock Tower," said Clefairy. "You know what to do, right?"

Pichu thought about this briefly before he grinned. "I sure do."

He immediately bashed the Skiploom over the head with the Moon's Tear, causing him to slump to the ground in an unconscious heap.

"Quick! You hide the body and I'll think of an alibi."

"Uh, okay…"

No sooner had he spoken than there suddenly came a loud chiming of bells. Pichu and Clefairy turned and realized the clock had just struck midnight; it was the official start of the Carnival of Time. A bunch of fireworks went off as the upper portion of the Clock Tower rose up and tilted on its side, turning the clock face into a platform on the very top of the tower. A door in the side of the tower rose up and revealed a set of stairs leading to the top.

"Now's our chance! Hurry up!" Clefairy snapped, shoving Pichu into the now-vacated Deku Flower. He promptly sprang back out of it holding the spinning flowers above his head, shrieking as he flew wildly off course and crashed into the side of the tower.

"Right, sorry. I keep forgetting you're an idiot," she said as he fell back to the ground.

"Hey! I'm _not _an idiot, there was a cross breeze!" Pichu complained as he rubbed his head. After several more time-wasting attempts, he finally managed to fly up to the open door in the Clock Tower and take the stairs leading up to the very top.

––

On top of the Clock Tower, the moon was looming closer than ever before. Pichu gazed up nervously at it, but Clefairy was glaring at the lone figure floating up in the air across from them. He was facing away from them, but upon hearing them arrive he turned smugly to look at them as he nonchalantly tossed the Pokéflute of Time up and down.

"Tee hee hee… so, you followed me here… how bothersome."

"Nuzleaf! There you are!" Clefairy snapped at him. "All right Pichu, let's do this!"

Before they could do a thing, Cleffa suddenly sprang up out of nowhere. "Ohboyohboysisit'syou! OhmanIreallymissedyou! Nuzleafiskindofgoingcrazy! Ithinkmaybehe'sgoingtokilleverybody! Youshouldprobablydosomething!"

"…Why was I so eager to get up here?" Clefairy quickly shook her head. "All right Nuzleaf, this isn't funny anymore! Just take off that mask and stop trolling everybody in Clock Town!"

"And gimme back my Pokéflute!" Pichu added angrily.

Nuzleaf just laughed at him as he continued to toy with the flute. "Oh please. What is a great big scary Snivy like you going to do if I _don't _give it back?"

"I'll throw a tantrum!"

Clefairy winced. "Nuzleaf, I'm starting to think you should listen to this kid."

Suddenly Cleffa zoomed in front of Nuzleaf and looked frantically at Clefairy. "Sissishurry! Swampmountainoceancanyon! Thefourwhoarethere, bringthemheeeeeeeeeeeere!"

"Woah, wait, what? Swamp mountain what? That sounded important!" Pichu pulled out a notepad. "Make him say it again but slower!"

For some reason, Cleffa's words visibly upset Nuzleaf, as he suddenly smacked the smaller fairy away with the back of his hand. "Don't speak out of line! Stupid fairy!" he snarled.

Clefairy had had it at this point. "All right, that's it, you douche! Nobody's allowed to hit my brother except _me! _I'm the only one who does it hard enough! Pichu, kick his ass!"

"Uh, okay," Pichu said uneasily. He generated an Energy Ball and threw it at Nuzleaf, who dodged it effortlessly. "Okay, I'm out of ideas."

Clefairy kicked him in the head. "YOU SUCK AT THIS!"

"Are you two quite finished?" Nuzleaf asked impatiently. "Well, anyway… even if they were to come now, they wouldn't be able to handle me." He gestured up at the enormous moon hanging just over their heads. "Just look above you! If it's something that can be stopped, then just try to stop it!"

With that he threw back his head spread his arms wide, letting loose a high-pitched, earsplitting scream that chilled Pichu and Clefairy to the bone. The same waves of dark energy that had transformed Pichu began to emanate from his body, and suddenly the ground began to shake as the moon gave a sickening lurch and plummeted out of the sky.

"Sh*t! The moon is falling!" Clefairy screamed.

"It was already falling!" said Pichu.

"IT'S FALLING FASTER! HURRY UP AND DO SOMETHING!" Clefairy shrieked, grabbing Pichu and hurling him up like a torpedo at the cackling Nuzleaf. Much to everyone's surprise, her aim was spot-on and he collided headfirst into the wicked imp, causing them both to fall to the ground and sending the Pokéflute skittering across the floor.

"I'm taking credit for that," Clefairy said quickly.

Pichu raced over to his Pokeflute and grabbed it. "Da-na-na-naaaaaaaaaa! I got the Pokéflute of Time back!" he cheered as he held it triumphantly above his head. "Now I can – " Suddenly he fell silent and his eyes glazed over as he went into flashback mode.

Clefairy covered her face in her hands. "This is not happening…"

––

_Pichu and Eevee were standing outside Hyrule Castle, along with a very unhappy-looking Epona. Pichu had made his final preparations to leave Hyrule and was now saying goodbye to the princess._

"_So let me get this straight," said Eevee. "You're leaving Hyrule to go looking for Togetic, who very expressly still wants to kill me, with the intent of bringing her back here. That about right?"_

"_Yep! It'll be fun!" Pichu said brightly, not seeming to realize where Eevee was going with this. "In fact, you can come too if you want."_

"_No, no, that's fine. All right then, here's the bet. If you die out there, you owe me a thousand Rupees, or your life savings, whichever amount is greater. If you don't die, I owe you a candy bar."_

"_Yeah!" Pichu suddenly looked confused. "Wait, that seems a little unfair."_

"_No it doesn't."_

"_Oh, okay."_

"_Princess, as much as I wish you luck on this bet, don't you think it'll be hard to get those thousand Rupees given the circumstances?" asked Epona, who had somehow been coerced into going along with Pichu for reasons I can't begin to imagine._

"_Shut up. I just want him dead, that's worth well over a thousand Rupees," Eevee hissed at her. Pichu heard her perfectly well but kept on smiling dumbly. "Well Pichu, I suppose this is goodbye then. I'll never forget the days we spent together in Hyrule, mostly because they were so traumatic they've been branded in my memory forever. If anything should happen to you while you're away, remember this song."_

_She pulled out a Pokéflute and played the Song of Time for Pichu, just as she'd done during their previous adventure. Despite the fact that Pichu already knew the song it took him a while to get it right, mostly because he got distracted halfway through playing it and went off chasing a bunch of Butterfrees._

"_The Goddess of Time is protecting you. If you play this song, she will come to your aid," Eevee told him once he'd finally finished._

"_Wait, what?" Now he really looked confused. "We spent that whole last story talking nonstop about the three Legendary Pokémon but you never once mentioned a 'Goddess of Time'. Isn't that kind of important info to be holding back? And how come you're telling me this if you're betting on me dying?"_

"_Okay, fine, you caught me. I was tricking you. There is no Goddess of Time and if you play that song it'll probably do jacksh*t."_

"_Oh, okay then!" Pichu said brightly, seeming very satisfied with this explanation. "Bye Eevee!" he called as he climbed on Epona and the duo raced off into the distance. Shortly after they disappeared there was a violent explosion in the direction they'd gone, followed by a strangled "I'm okay!"_

_Eevee shook her head fondly. "I'm really not going to miss him."_

––

Pichu's eyes came uncrossed and he found himself back on top of the Clock Tower. "…What just happened?"

"You were staring off at nothing and drooling, that's what happened!" Clefairy screamed at him over the rumbling of the encroaching moon. "In the meantime we have approximately thirty seconds to live! Goddess of Time, please help us! We need more time!"

"Okay, seriously! Who the &*?# is this Goddess of Time and why was I never informed?" Pichu fumed. "Wait… more time?"

You could practically hear the gears turning in his head, and then finally his eyes lit up. "The Song of Time! Maybe that will save us!"

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

Without hesitating, Pichu pulled out the Pokéflute of Time… but something very strange happened as he did. No sooner had he touched it than it began to magically twist and writhe, and he yelped in astonishment as it suddenly started transforming and changing shape in his hands.

The next thing he knew, he wasn't holding onto a Pokéflute, but a huge set of brass pipes.

Clefairy did a double take. "What the – where did you get that instrument?"

"Beats the hell outta me." Realizing he had only seconds left before the moon crashed, he decided to forget about it. Concentrating with all his might, he put his mouth up to the mouthpiece and… played the Song of Storms. Suddenly there was a loud clap of thunder and it began to downpour along with the falling moon.

"…Crap, let me try that again."

"I honestly cannot think of a worse way to die right now," Clefairy groaned. Pichu hastily tried again and this time successfully played the Song of Time.

Nuzleaf gave him a derisive look as he played. "What is _that _supposed to do?"

As he finished the song and the echoes of the last notes faded into silence, Pichu suddenly felt his Snivy skin begin to crawl. That song had done something… there was a feeling of magic in the air…

Something was about to happen…

**"YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"** he shrieked in terror as the world was suddenly sucked away into nothing. Nuzleaf, Cleffa, the Clock Tower, everything around him was violently ripped out of existence. He heard Clefairy screaming swears at him as the two of them were hurtled backwards and went plummeting into a vast white void, falling down and down and down…


	5. The Start of Side Quests to Come

**A/N: **You guys should all check out the link on my profile paaaaaaaaaaage~

Also, if you haven't already, please vote in the poll on said profile page… it will make my life easier ^^

––

**Dawn of  
>THE FIRST DAY<br>-72 Hours Remain-**

Pichu and Clefairy found themselves standing in the middle of Clock Town, a bustling burg that was much more technologically forward than anywhere in Hyrule. Pichu turned around and realized they had just come walking out of a… woah, déjà vu.

Clefairy blinked in confusion, then started looking around frantically. "What the – what just happened? Everything has… started over?"

Sure enough, all the carpenters were back and constructing the carnival tower, which was several feet shorter than when they'd last seen it. Stunned, the two of them both quickly ran into the middle of the town square and looked up at the moon, which was high up in the sky again.

Clefairy started freaking out while Pichu looked thrilled. "AWESOME! I'm the master of time and space!" he cheered.

Clefairy glared at him and socked him in the stomach again for no real reason. "What _are _you, anyway?" she shrieked at him. "How the heck did you do that? You just played that instrument and sent us back in time?"

"Sure looks like it," Pichu said proudly, but the smile quickly fell from his face as he realized something. "Uh oh… then this means…"

The same Lillipup from before suddenly threw itself at him from out of nowhere. He screamed and thrashed around to no avail as it mauled him a second time and then finally dragged him off, a bloody smear trailing behind him.

"Wow. I guess there's an upside to this after all," said Clefairy. "Hang on… that instrument! The Happy Yamask Salesman said he could turn you back to normal when you got your instrument back! Did you completely forget or what?"

––

A moment later, Clefairy kicked opened the door leading inside the Clock Tower, dragging the bloody mess that was Pichu along with her.

"Were you able to recover your precious item?" asked the Happy Yamask Salesman, who was still hanging around inside the tower like a creeper. "Amazing! That only took you thirty seconds! I knew I was right to trust you."

"Yeah, he's amazing all right," Clefairy said sarcastically, depositing the twitching Pichu on the floor. "So you can change him back now, right?"

"Absolutely!" the Yamask cheered. "Just let me get out my own instrument…"

He reached into his pocket, fished around for a moment and pulled out an absolutely enormous piano that was probably at least twenty times his size.

Clefairy stared at him. "How the &*?# did you do that?"

"Follow along with the song and repeat after me," the Yamask said to Pichu, then played a good six notes on the piano despite the fact that it had three keyboards and over three hundred keys. Despite being severely mangled and bleeding heavily, Pichu managed to lift up the Pokéflute to his mouth as it transformed into the brass pipes again and played the song back.

"Oogh…" he groaned as he suddenly grew lightheaded and the room began to spin…

––

_He was back in the black void, but this time there was nobody with him but the Serperior. To Pichu's surprise, it suddenly started fading away as it turned its back on him and slithered off into the darkness._

_Once Pichu realized it was leaving, he broke into a grin. "Ha! Yeah, that's right, ya big sissy! Go ahead and crawl away! I totally kicked your ass!"_

_Without turning back around, the Serperior lifted up its tail and crushed him into the ground._

"…_I regret nothing."_

––

He was called back to reality by the sound of something wooden hitting the ground. He opened his eyes and saw there was now a Snivy Mask lying on the floor in front of him… and he was now a Pichu once again.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" he squealed in joy, running around in excited circles and then busting out into a breakdance on the floor. "I'M ME AGAIN! HAHAHAHA! I'M AWESOME! EVERYBODY CAN GO SUCK IT!"

"Ugh. He's even more annoying when he's happy," Clefairy grumbled. "Note to self, make Pichu as miserable as possible as often as possible."

"I'm glad to see that worked for you. That song heals evil magic and troubled spirits, which is why I gave it the incredibly creative name of the Song of Healing," said the Happy Yamask Salesman. "It also turns the spirits into masks, such as that Snivy Mask. You can wear it at any time to assume your Snivy form once again."

Pichu just scoffed. "Yeah right! Like I'd ever want to go through _that _crap again! Know what I say to that?"

He picked up the mask and attempted to snap it in half over his knee, only to shatter his kneecap instead.

"…On second thought, I'll keep it."

"An excellent choice," said the Happy Yamask Salesman, suddenly extending his hand toward Pichu. "I have fulfilled my promise to you… now please… give me that which you promised me," he said pleasantly, putting on his rape face.

There was a very awkward silence.

"Don't tell me…" he said quietly when Pichu didn't make a move. "My mask… you did… get it back… didn't you?" His eye started twitching.

Pichu was getting very uneasy. "Uh… well… 'Got it back' is a very operative term…"

"**YOU ****&*?#****ING IDIOT!**" the Not-So-Happy Yamask Salesman shrieked, grabbing Pichu off the ground and violently shaking him. "**WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE IT? IF YOU LEAVE MY MASK OUT THERE WE'RE ALL ****&*?#****ED TO HELL AND BACK!**" He continued flailing Pichu back and forth as the poor little mouse "YIIIiiiIIIiiiIII"ed in panic.

"Holy crap! This is child abuse!" Clefairy cried. "If I cared at all about that kid I'd probably do something about this! However, as it stands…" She started munching on a candy bar and watched the spectacle.

"You don't understand! This is a matter of life and death!" the Yamask cried as he finally dumped Pichu on the ground. "That mask that was stolen from me… it is known as Majerkass's Mask."

Clefairy gave him a weird look. "_Majerkass's _Mask?"

"Well, he was a jerkass. Anyway, it is an accursed item from legend that was used by an ancient tribe in its hexing rituals. It is said that anyone who wears that mask is granted a dark and terrible power…"

"Wait. Back up," said Pichu. "They used a _mask? _If they really wanted to screw people over why didn't they just use a machine gun or something?"

"No interruptions. Anyway, the disasters caused by the mask eventually became too great, and it was sealed away by the ancient tribe who feared its misuse… but I was fortunate enough to come across it myself, until that wicked imp stole it from me! Please, I'm begging you! You must get that mask back and return it to me!"

Pichu glared at him. "Right… and we should give _you _this incredibly dangerous relic of destruction _because…?_"

The Yamask simply gave him another rape face in reply.

"…Works for me."

––

"I still think Majerkass's Machine Gun would've made a lot more sense," Pichu muttered as they exited the Clock Tower again.

"So Nuzleaf has been doing all this because of the power of that mask…" Clefairy sighed. "Well, whatever it takes, we've got to do something about it, right?"

"Well, we could – "

"Now what do you think Cleffa meant by the swamp, mountain, ocean and canyon?"

"Well, I – "

"Aha! I bet he was talking about the four areas just outside town! There's one in each compass direction. But what do you suppose he meant by 'The four who are there'?"

"Well, maybe he – "

"I suppose we should just find out. If we go through that gate we'll be heading in the direction of the swamp."

"Okay, fine. I'm just going to stand here quietly while you exposit everything."

"Excellent, that will annoy me less," said Clefairy. "…Oh, no! I just realized something!"

"I do that sometimes. It hurts my brain."

"Shut up you idiot! If we've gone back in time that means the Great Fairy is still injured! We have to get that Stray Fairy again! She said to come back if you ever got turned back to normal, didn't she?"

"I perceived that as more of a threat than an invitation."

Nonetheless, Clefairy forced Pichu to recollect the Stray Fairy from the Laundry Pool and bring it back to the Great Fairy Fountain. It rejoined the other fairies and the Clefable reappeared with a horrific laugh as Pichu attempted to commit Seppuku.

"Thank you, Clefairy and small yellow child," said the Clefable. "I must give you a reward for restoring me to normal. Please take this mask!" She then caused the Great Fairy's Mask, which resembled the horrifying visage of a Clefable, to appear out of midair and float down to Pichu.

Pichu was outraged. "What the hell? This is the worst reward you could possibly have given me!"

"There are other Stray Fairies scattered across Termina," the Clefable continued, ignoring him. "When you wear that mask they will be drawn to you, and you may then restore the other Great Fairies who have been shattered."

"…Suicune damn it, there's _more _of you here? I try and do a good deed and this is what happens to me? That's the last time I ever help anyone!"

"He's not very polite, is he?" the Clefable observed as he went stomping out of the fountain in a rage.

"You are as wise and observant as ever, Great Fairy," said Clefairy.

Once Pichu had left the fountain he angrily hurled his new mask away, but it ending up flying through the air and colliding into Patrat's balloon, causing it to explode.

"Oops."

"Woah! Are you the one who just popped my balloon? That was pretty cool," said Patrat. "You've got some pretty good aim. How'd you like to join the Bombers?"

"Huh?" It took Pichu a moment to realize his first encounter with the Bombers had never happened. "…Oh, sure, why not."

"Awesome. I can't let you join just like that, though. First you have to pass my test." He gave a whistle and the other four Bombers came racing up. "You ready? You've got until tomorrow morning to find us all."

"What?" Pichu frowned deeply, as he really didn't want to go through this hide-and-seek crap again… and then, as happened to him every once in a blue moon, he got an idea.

"I have a better idea." He put on the Great Fairy's Mask. "Let me join your group, pretty please?" he asked in the most effeminate fairy-sounding voice he could manage. The Bombers immediately went insane at the sight of such an abomination, three of them shrieking and running away while the other was reduced to a sobbing wreck as he rocked back and forth on the ground.

"OKAY OKAY! Just take that horrible thing off!" Patrat screamed. "All right. Here's your official Bomber's Notebook."

"Sweet!" Pichu cheered, whipping off the mask and holding up the notebook above his head. "So when do I get my bombs?"

Patrat looked confused. "What bombs? We're a Secret Society of Justice!" he said. "We find people in town who need help and write them down in our notebooks. Then we make those people happy!"

Pichu stared at him. "YOU MEAN YOU'RE A GROUP CALLED THE _BOMBERS _AND YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE BOMBS?" he screamed, repeatedly kicking Patrat in the shin out of rage. "SCREW MAKING PEOPLE HAPPY! YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD MAKE _ME _HAPPY? _SOME FREAKING EXPLOSIVES!_"

"Are you sure you're supposed to be a hero?" Clefairy asked him as Patrat started begging for mercy. "Seriously, I'm pretty sure you've done nothing but cause people pain and suffering since you got here."

"All right, forget it. Maybe I'll find some myself once we get out of this Entei-forsaken town," Pichu grumbled, finally leaving Patrat alone and stomping back toward South Clock Town.

"Should I tell him about the Bomb Shop?" Patrat weakly asked Clefairy.

"I think it would be safer for the whole world if you didn't."

––

"Stop right there!" ordered the Sentret at the gate leading out of South Clock Town. "Have you some errand in the swamp?"

"YES! I'M LOOKING FOR SOME BOMBS!" Pichu raged. "And possibly getting rid of that moon, but that's second priority."

"Well, I'm sorry. It's incredibly dangerous out there, and I can't allow a child such as you to venture out there unsupervised."

"I'm pretty sure he can take care of himself," said Clefairy. "He just beat up a kid when he wouldn't give him explosives."

"And I have this!" Pichu said proudly, pulling out his Leaf Blade that he'd kept from his previous adventure.

The Sentret just looked at him skeptically. "Is that thing supposed to be a _weapon?_ What do you do with a thing like that?"

"Generally this," said Pichu, impaling him with the Leaf Blade.

"Was that _really _necessary?" Clefairy asked him irritably.

"Aw, come on, C-Money! Once we go back in time everything will be reset and he'll be fine!" Pichu assured her. "In fact, no matter how much I screw up or how many people I accidentally kill, I just have to play the Song of Time and it's like it never happened! YEAH! This is my kind of adventure!"

He charged out of the gate with an excited cheer, and Clefairy was left to follow after him and wonder why the gods hated her so much.


	6. A Romp Through the Swamp

"Well, here we are, out in the great wide world. Time to start our grand adventure," said Pichu, dramatically puffing out his chest. "Sooo, where are we again?"

Clefairy gave him an irritated look. "We're in Termina Field. It's called that because it's a great big field in the middle of Termina. Think you can remember that?"

"Remember what? What were we just talking about?"

"Well, that answers that."

Termina Field was a wide open, grassy expanse that surrounded Clock Town on all sides. Pichu and Clefairy were currently walking through the southern part of the field, which was the plainest-looking area and contained only several patches of tall grass and large trees.

"Why are we going _this _way? It's boring over here," Pichu complained. "Ooh look, over there's an ocean! Why can't we go there? I brought my water wings!"

"Number one, we have to go to the swamp for some incredibly vague and ill-defined reason. Number two, it's safest over here and you're less likely to get hurt due to stupidity."

At that very moment, a big green Duosion suddenly came bouncing out of a nearby patch of grass. Pichu shrieked and tried to run away, but the Duosion immediately threw itself on him and absorbed him into itself. Within seconds he was floating around inside its body.

"Well, so much for that. …Hey, I remember this! Cleffa and I drew this with Nuzleaf when we first met him…"

Clefairy was looking at a crudely made chalk drawing of Nuzleaf, Cleffa and herself that had been scribbled onto the trunk of a dead tree. She sighed and gazed longingly at it as memories flooded her mind.

"It was raining that day and we were looking for shelter. We found Nuzleaf crying inside that huge hollow log over there. He told us he'd been fighting with his friends and they had left him all alone… hey, are you ignoring me? That's really impolite."

Pichu was still flailing around inside the Duosion's body. Clefairy impatiently gave it a kick, causing it to splatter against the tree and sending a sopping wet Pichu tumbling to the ground.

"…What just happened? I had a dream I was eating lime gelatin but then something went horribly wrong…"

"Oh forget it. My point is that Nuzleaf wasn't always a bad guy, just sort of a prick who liked to commit harmless pranks like arson every once in a while. But once he got a hold of that mask…" She shuddered. "Anyway, we should keep going before you get randomly attacked by any more Pokémon."

No sooner had she spoken than an incredibly ugly Mandibuzz came swooping down, snatched Pichu's Leaf Blade off his back and flew away with it.

"This place needs to go die."

––

After finally recovering his Leaf Blade by way of several horrible and unspeakable acts, Pichu and Clefairy continued off down a narrow road that led away from Termina Field. It was bordered by trees on either side and had a bunch of other Duosions hopping around, but that wasn't even the strangest thing they saw.

"Hey C-Money, who's that guy?" asked Pichu, pointing up at a very ugly-looking Pokémon floating above their heads by way of a big red balloon.

"I don't know, but he looks like a total creeper. So don't talk to him and don't get his attention."

Unfortunately, Pichu had already thrown his Leaf Blade up at the balloon, causing it to violently explode and sending the Pokémon dropping to the ground.

"Sorry. My natural curiosity got the better of me."

"My natural fist is about to get the better of your stomach."

"Oh my… green markings and a Clefairy companion…" said the ugly Pokémon as it shuffled over to Pichu. "Is it possible? Sir, might you be a fairy boy from the forest?"

"Uh, I'm a Pichu boy the last I checked. Oh and I can turn into a Snivy boy too, long story. Plus I used to be a Pikachu… or maybe I technically never was a Pikachu… ugh, my brain hurts. What was I talking about? Where am I?"

"Oh, simply marvelous!" cried the weird Pokémon. "My name is Trubbish, and I am just like you, dear boy! I, too, was once a Pikachu!"

Clefairy stared at him. "WHAT THE &*?# ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

"Oh, I am the very incarnation of a forest fairy!" Trubbish sighed as he spun around. "Alas, though I am already age thirty-five, no fairy companion has come to me yet…"

"Yeah, I wonder why," Clefairy grumbled. "Tell you what, you can have my brother. I want to get rid of him _and _I want you to shut up, so that way everybody's happy."

"Oh! Oh! How joyous I am to hear this!" cried Trubbish, throwing a bunch of random sparkles into the air. "In the meantime though, I must make my living by selling these maps. Will you buy a map as a token of our friendship?"

Pichu raised a suspicious eyebrow at this incredibly eccentric Pokémon. "That depends… is 'buying a map' code for dropping acid or something? 'Cause in that case, _hell _yeah!"

Clefairy groaned and shoved Pichu away before he could make another bad life choice.

"Uh, sorry," he said sheepishly. "Man, first that Yamask guy and now him… seriously, Termina needs a neighborhood watch program or something."

"Oh, because I'm sure your Hyrule was so much better."

"It sure was! We emptied our latrines into the drinking water!"

"…Moving along."

––

**Night of the First Day  
>-60 Hours Remain-<strong>

The sun had set and the sky had grown dark by the time Pichu and Clefairy finally arrived at the Southern Swamp. The first thing they noticed was that the water was disgusting and purple, and it emitted a noxious smell as they got up close to it.

"What the heck is going on? All the water's been poisoned!" Clefairy cried. "Did Nuzleaf do this too? I swear, I'm gonna kick his ass for making me help all these people I don't care about."

"Maybe somebody in there knows where all the poison came from," said Pichu, pointing up at a large building sticking out of the swamp on top of a set of stilts. As it turned out, this building was a tourist center and the headquarters for some kind of boat tour of the swamp.

"A _tourist _center?" Pichu repeated as they walked through the door. "That implies that people actually want to go on tours of this smelly hellhole? This really is a backwards world…"

"Oh, hello there," grumbled a disgruntled-looking Garbodor sitting at the front desk. "Sorry, but the boat tour isn't running right now. Our tour guide went off looking for mushrooms in the Woods of Mystery and she hasn't come back."

Pichu shrugged. "That's no skin off my nose. I already hate this place." Clefairy smacked him. "Uh, I mean, you wouldn't happen to know where all this poison is coming from, would you?"

"Well, all signs seem to point to it coming from Woodfall. You're not thinking of going over there, are you, little mouse? You'll get killed!"

"We can only hope," Clefairy muttered.

"Well, if only the tour office was open we could take you at least as far as the Deku Palace. The Grass-types who live there could probably help you out, at least if they don't kill you and roast you over a spit instead."

"Sounds peachy!" Pichu said brightly. "C'mon Clefairy, we gotta go find that lady!"

"You don't generally think things through, do you?"

The two of them left the office and prepared to set off through the swamp, only to be faced with a rather large roadblock. The only way of crossing over the poisonous water was by way of a bunch of large floating lilypads, and there was no way Pichu could safely get from one to the other in his current form.

"Well, looks like you'll have to bust out that Snivy Mask already. That way you can hop across the water."

"Aw geez, not already," Pichu moaned. "I don't wanna touch that thing! Something could go wrong and I'd be stuck that way forever!"

"So? Oh right, you have feelings I'm supposed to care about. Sorry, I forget sometimes."

Pichu scowled at her, then reluctantly reached for the Snivy Mask and put it on. It instantly contracted painfully over his face, and a bunch of random thunder and lightning suddenly tore up the sky as he rolled around the ground shrieking in agony. Finally there was a flash, and Pichu sat up to find he was a Snivy again.

Clefairy looked up in confusion at the sky. "Do you have weather controlling powers too?"

"That was unpleasant," Pichu groaned as he stood up. "Well, let's get this over with."

And so Pichu set off through the swamp, skipping and spinning nimbly across the water as he traveled from one lilypad to the next. Clefairy floated along behind him, occasionally giving him some useful advice.

"You look like a girl when you twirl around like that."

"I hate you."

Finally the swamp opened up into a large clearing, where yet another strange-looking building was raised up out of the water. The instant they made it safely over, Pichu ripped his mask off and reverted back to his mousey form.

"Well, according to this conveniently placed wooden sign, this is the 'Magic Dragons' Potion Shop'," said Clefairy, studying the sign. "I don't really see how that's supposed to help us. Why did you drag me all the way over here?"

"That monkey is looking at me."

"Don't change the subject. And stop saying random things."

"I'm serious! He's staring right at me!" Pichu cried, pointing over at a Pansage who was standing right in front of the entrance to the Woods of Mystery.

"Oh! Oh! It's you!" gasped the weird little monkey. "You've come to rescue the poor lady who was trapped in the woods, right? Follow me!"

"Sweet! The answer to all our problems has been delivered in monkey form!" Pichu cheered, dashing after it as it took off into the woods. He continued cheering like an idiot as he followed the Pansage though the zigzagging maze of the forest, only briefly stopping whenever he was rammed into by a bunch of nasty feral Turtwigs.

"Pichu, though it's probably outside your capability, you should probably _think _about this," Clefairy snapped at him after punching out a Turtwig that had actually been minding its own business. "You're following a complete stranger through an extremely sketchy forest in order to 'rescue' somebody you don't even know anything about! How do you know you aren't being led into a trap?"

Pichu looked aghast. "That's impossible! Monkeys are incapable of deceit! Isn't that right, Jeffrey?"

"My name is Phil. And we're here!" said the Pansage. Pichu realized he'd been led to a clearing in the middle of the woods, where a large group of Pansages, Pansears and Panpours were gathered around a crumpled figure lying sprawled on the ground.

"See? Now all we gotta do is rescue her and – **WOAH!**"

"Why hello there, handsome," cackled the figure, who was none other than Latias, one of Mewtwo's most cunning and loyal servants and one of the two powerful dragon sorcerers who'd tried to brutally end his life in the Spirit Temple.

"Eep."

––

**A/N: **I'm having fun with these Unova Pokémon, can you tell?


	7. Your Ass Is Grass

"Homina homina heebity heepilty hoopala…" Pichu stammered nervously at the sight of the injured Latias lying on the ground. He was expecting her to eviscerate him in a matter of seconds, but for some reason she didn't look the least bit interested in attacking him.

"Oogh… hey, kid! Aren't you going to help me?" she groaned. "I was just here in the forest picking mushrooms when that good-for-nothing Nuzleaf came out of nowhere and attacked me! Did he really think I wouldn't recognize him if he hid his face?"

Pichu blinked in surprise. "Uh… wait a minute… you don't remember me?" he asked timidly. "You're not angry that I, y'know, killed you and your brother? Even though you were both being assholes and were kind of asking for it? …Wait, maybe I shouldn't have said all that out loud."

Clefairy scowled and spun him around so they were facing away from Latias. "Pichu, what the crap are you talking about? How could you have seen her before if you've never been to Termina?"

"Uh, okay… this is gonna sound really weird, but I met her back in Hyrule. She and her brother were fighting me, and then they did a fusion dance and turned into a purple thing. It kinda gets blurry after that, but I'm pretty sure I kicked their asses without humiliating myself."

Clefairy glared at him. "Pichu, have you been snorting the mushrooms in here?"

"Yes."

"Well even if you _are _telling the truth, the Latias you met obviously couldn't have been the same one," she reasoned. "It's possible that Termina is a parallel world to your Hyrule, so it would make sense that everyone from that world has a counterpart in this one."

"Um, hello? While this all sounds fascinating it doesn't change the fact that I'm still lying in a pool of my own blood while you two stand there doing nothing! Honestly, don't you have something that gives you energy?" Latias snapped. "Press Start to open the Select Item Screen. Choose and use an item with C."

Pichu stared dumbly at her. "Uh… what?"

"Great. She's delusional and you're an idiot. I can tell this is going to be a very productive conversation," Clefairy grumbled. Before the electric rodent could waste any more time she just shoved him out the exit of the forest.

"Well, I guess we have to save her _somehow, _or there's no way we're getting to Woodfall," she sighed once they were back in the swamp. "Hang on, did you say she had a brother?"

"Yeah, I really didn't like him. He tried to freeze me alive. And he smelled like pineapples."

"How terrible for you. But that must mean there's a version of him here too. In fact, he must be the one running the potion shop."

So Pichu and Clefairy climbed up the ladder to the shop and stuck their heads in the doorway, and sure enough, there was a Latios humming to himself as he flitted around the room.

"Hee hee hee… welcome to the shop! My potions work very well, they do," he laughed, quite unlike his murderous Hyrulean counterpart. "Unfortunately I'm out of stuff right now, since my sister Latias hasn't come back from the forest with my mushrooms yet. Hopefully nothing bad has happened to her. If anyone were to have hurt her, or worse, if anyone were to have come across her in her injured state and then come crawling back to me without even trying to help her, I'd probably have to flay them alive. But enough about that, what can I do for you?"

"Uh…" Pichu quickly and nervously drew away from the doorway. "Which one of us is going to tell him?"

"I think you should. You're the Hero of Whatsit and stuff, aren't you?"

"Hey yeah, you're right!" Pichu realized, immediately striding confidently into the room.

"This just keeps getting easier," said Clefairy. She sat down outside the door and waited, and after a few seconds the roof suddenly exploded off the building. Clefairy looked up in time to see Latios flying out and beating Pichu up in midair.

"**WHAT! DO! YOU! MEAN! YOU! FOUND! LATIAS! AND! YOU! DIDN'T! SAVE! HER!**" he shrieked, all the while performing a 16-hit combo on the floundering Pichu.

"FINISH HIM!" Clefairy leapt to her feet and cheered.

Finally Latios grabbed Pichu out of the air and slam dunked him into the swampy water. He streaked down after him with the intent of finishing him off, but Pichu stuck his head out of the water just in time.

"WAIT! Stop with the hurting and the kicking and the maiming!" he begged. For some reason Latios actually listened to him. "It wasn't my fault, I swear! It was all Nuzleaf!"

"Don't be ridiculous. If it was just Nuzleaf, then what harm could he possibly do?"

"…Nuzleaf hasn't quite been himself lately," said Clefairy. "And by 'not quite himself' I mean 'stark raving omnicidal'."

"I see… well, that doesn't give you an excuse to just sit there on your ass and be useless. Hurry up and take this to her!" Latios snapped, throwing a Super Potion at Pichu's head. "And don't let me catch you back here until you do."

"Can I have another Super Potion for the injuries you gave me?" Pichu asked hopefully. Latios replied by slamming his fist down on the mouse's head and sending him crumpling back into the water.

"You and I should be friends," Clefairy said to him.

––

"What on earth took you so long? The monkeys are starting to look hungry…" Latias snapped as Pichu and Clefairy walked back into the forest. "Oh – ! That Super Potion! That's definitely Latios's…"

"Hey!" Pichu cried as Latias swiped the bottle right out of his hands and started spraying it in her armpits.

"Ooooooh! Ahhhhhh! Feel the energy flow!"

"This is really awkward to watch," said Clefairy.

And just like that, I'm better! Yippee!" Latias cheered, rising up into the air. "Time to go back to running my boat tour in the swamp!"

"Uh… hey, wait a sec! Can't you fly us out of this place too?" asked Pichu.

"Why the hell would I do that?" Latias asked, zooming off with a gleeful cackle.

Pichu frowned. "What a b*tch! She just left us here!"

Clefairy glanced nervously around at the monkeys, who were now slowly closing in around the duo with an insane look in their eyes. "Yeah, and these guys are still looking hungry…"

––

Minutes later, Clefairy and Pichu, who were now heavily covered in bite marks, ran screaming out of the forest with the ravenous monkeys hot on their heels. Finally Clefairy spun around to face them, grabbed Pichu by the legs and started swinging him at them.

"BACK! BACK! GET YOUR STINKING PAWS OFF ME YOU DAMNED DIRTY APES!"

"Oh, sorry about all that. It is almost breakfast," said the Pansage that Pichu had first seen, who had just come up to them with a Pansear and a Panpour. "Anyway, you! Yellow guy! You have strange powers, don't you?"

Clefairy dropped Pichu and he straightened up importantly. "You bet! I have the awesome power of plot protection! It enables me to survive any normally lethal injury, which is great when you're as accident-prone as I am."

Clefairy rolled her eyes. "'Accident-prone'? Is that what they're calling it now?"

"Yeah, that's great. Anyway, maybe you and your plot protection can do something about all the poisoned swamp water," said the Pansage. "My brother went to the Woodfall Temple to investigate with the princess of the Grass-types, but she was captured! And worse, now the king thinks my brother is responsible for her disappearance and has imprisoned him in the Deku Palace! You gotta help him!"

"I'm not feeling a whole lot of incentive," Pichu replied as the Panpour was gnawing on his head.

"Pichu, we had to go to the Deku Palace anyway, remember? That's the only way we can reach Woodfall," said Clefairy. "Looks like we just have to help somebody else along the way."

"Dammit, since when does being a hero mean I have to _help _people?"

––

**Dawn of  
>THE SECOND DAY<br>-48 Hours Remain-**

As the sun rose and the moon continued to draw closer to the earth, Pichu and Clefairy traveled back to the building where Latias was running her boat tour.

"Oh, it's you again," said Latias as Pichu and Clefairy walked back into the tour office. "I see the monkeys failed to dispatch you… uh, I mean, good to see you. I guess you want to go on a tour of the swamp now, huh?"

"I can't think of anything I want less. Except being flattened by the moon. So, here we are."

"All right then. So you know, we're also holding a pictograph contest. Try and take the best picture you can find in the swamp!" she said, shoving a large box with a lens into Pichu's hands.

"Da-na-na-naaaaaa! I got the Pictograph Box!" he cheered, holding it above his head. "Now I can be a creeper without even having to use the telescope!"

"I'm going to injure you for this," Clefairy muttered to Latias.

Within minutes, Pichu and Clefairy had climbed onto the small boat that was docked underneath the tour office. Latias flew down to join them and started steering the boat as they set off through the swamp.

"Welcome to the Boat Cruise! Please enjoy the swamp scenery to your heart's content."

Pichu and Clefairy glanced around at their surroundings, which consisted of a bunch of fetid purple swamp water and a whole slew of choking and dying Pokémon. "…Will do," said Clefairy.

"HEY! What the hell you b*tches be doin' up in my digs, yo?" roared a very large Octillery wearing a du-rag as it rose up out of the water. "This here be _my _swamp and you mofos best be watchin' yo'selves before I – **ACK!**" He was cut off as Latias impaled him on the bow of the boat.

"That's the fifth time this week I've had to do that to him. Apparently he just doesn't learn."

Pichu was looking confused as he relived a few unpleasant memories. "Are _all _Octillerys gangsta like that?"

"Of course they are. Why wouldn't they be?" asked Clefairy.

After a few more minutes of unpleasant boat travel, Latias finally parked in front of a dock that led directly into a large wooden palace.

"Now arriving at the Deku Palace!" she announced. "Just so you know, the Grass-types who live here are incredibly xenophobic and will probably slaughter you in a bloody rage before they even look at you. That's right, _before! _I'm still not sure how they do it… anyway, have fun and enjoy your painful demise! Eee hee hee hee hee!"

"What a nice lady," Pichu said happily as he got off the boat and skipped directly through the front door, Clefairy wearily following after him.

"HALT! This is the royal palace of the Grass-types!" shouted one of a duo of Hoppips who were standing in the hallway and blocking the way. "This is no place for outsiders!"

"Oh, sorry… hey wait a sec, you guys aren't killing me?" Pichu let out a laugh. "Ha! I knew it! You guys must be wusses."

"We're not killing you because there's no more room for corpses in the storage room. And they're starting to smell bad and attract flies."

Pichu blanched. "Ah."

"But regardless! You are not a Grass-type, and therefore you are not allowed in the palace."

"Oh, is that all?" asked Pichu. He whipped out his Snivy Mask and instantly transformed. "How's that?"

"Welcome to the Deku Palace!" the first Hoppip shouted obliviously as though he'd never seen Pichu before. "Normally access to the throne room is forbidden to commoners, but you may enter to witness the execution of the monkey who kidnapped our dear princess!"

"Coolio! Thanks a ton!" said Pichu, striding past the two of them.

Clefairy did a double take. "But – you just – right in front of – and they saw – " She groaned. "Forget it, I don't care anymore."

"HALT! You are not a Grass-type!" the second Hoppip snapped at her. "You are not allowed into the palace!"

Clefairy narrowed her eyes at them before cracking her knuckles. "Oh, is that so?"

About fifteen minutes later (Clefairy tended to do a very thorough job), she joined Pichu in the large throne room at the end of the hallway. There was a crowd of angry Grass-types gathered around a large bonfire, but the most imposing of all was an enormous Vileplume standing in the back of the room and throwing some kind of tantrum.

"**DEEEEEEEEEEEEATH!** DEATH TO THE IMPUDENT MONKEY WHO HAS KIDNAPPED MY DAUGHTER!" he bellowed, waving his scepter around and accidentally copping an unfortunate Whimsicott over the head. "MY THIRST FOR BLOOD MUST BE SATIATED! PREPARE THE CAULDRON AND THE RABID BASCULINS! MONKEY'S ON THE MENU TONIGHT, BOYS!"

"Sir, you're planning on killing the monkey _before _he's told you where your daughter is?" asked the king's butler, a Servine, who was wearing the same weary expression that Clefairy usually wore these days.

"THIRST FOR BLOOD! SATIATE! _NOW!_"

"What the heck is going on in here?" asked Clefairy as the Grass-types scrambled to do the king's bidding.

"I'm sorry about this. As you can see, King Vileplume is sick with worry over the fate of his daughter, Princess Lilligant," the Servine explained to her and Pichu. "He's obsessed with punishing that monkey over there, and no matter how I try he just won't listen to reason."

Clefairy glanced back over at the king, who had grabbed the same unfortunate Whimsicott and started furiously gnawing on him. "…That's one way of putting it."

"The thing is, the monkey keeps insisting that the princess is in some kind of trouble, but he refuses to admit that he did the deed."

"That's because I _didn't _do it, you dumb snake with your deformed vestigial arms!" came an angry voice. Pichu and Clefairy turned to see a large cage at the side of the room, and inside they saw another Pansage tied to a large pole and dangling high off the ground.

"No matter how many times you say it, it won't bring her back! If you don't do something fast, the princess will fall victim to a monster!"

Clefairy looked concerned. "Really? What kind of monster?"

"A Pocket Monster!"

"…Care to be more specific?"

"HEY! No talking to the prisoner! Such treachery is punishable by death!" King Vileplume roared at them. "GUARDS! Prepare the Basculins!"

"Sir, the Basculins are your solution to everything," Servine objected. "When George brought you cold coffee last week you used the Basculins. When the princess didn't brush her teeth that one morning you used the Basculins…"

"Objecting to my use of the Basculins, are you? PREPARE THE BASCULINS!"

"Okay, I'm gonna leave now," Pichu quickly decided, sneaking out of the room along with Clefairy as the king hurled the Whimsicott into the wall just above their heads.

––

**A/N: **Totally unrelated to anything, but Chuggaaconroy is LPing this game! Yippee! *dances around in a circle*


	8. Two Songs and a Stalker

**A/N: **Sorry you had to wait a while for this one. I'm at a busy time in my life when I'm supposed to be thinking about my future and other such nonsense.

––

Pichu and Clefairy quickly left King Vileplume's chamber in order to avoid having any more random Pokémon hurled at them. Once they were back in the main hallway they started wondering what to do next.

"Well that was a huge waste of time. Now what do we **ACK!**" Pichu freaked out as he turned to see the first Pansage staring at him from inches away. "Dude, you need to clean your nose out."

"Hey! Did you see my brother?" the Pansage asked urgently. "He's not hurt, is he? Was he all right?"

"Given the king's state of mind, I give him a few minutes to live," said Clefairy. "Good luck with that. Now move out of the way."

"Wait! Did you see the secret entrance to the cage?" the Pansage went on. "We know of a way to get in there, but it's too high up to reach. To get up there you need to use Magic Beans."

"How about magic shrooms? There were a lot of those in the forest," said Pichu, putting a spaced-out grin before Clefairy lost her patience again and socked him in the gut.

"…Uh, I'm pretty sure only Magic Beans will work. There's a Pokémon living underneath the outside garden who will sell them to you. Then you need to plant them in the soft soil in the garden."

Clefairy raised an eyebrow. "Hang on. You guys seem to have this all planned out already. Why don't _you _just do it?"

"Because the yellow guy is expendable."

"An excellent point."

So Pichu and Clefairy walked into the palace garden, whose entrance was blatantly and stupidly unguarded. The garden itself was basically a big maze that had all manner of Grass-types on patrol, pacing back and forth and watching for intruders. Pichu wasn't exactly the greatest at stealth, and so he instead resorted to sniping the sentries with Energy Balls or snapping their necks before they could make a noise. Clefairy was less than amused.

"How the hell do you plan on explaining all this?" she asked, pointing at the trail of corpses in his wake.

"Song of Time?" Pichu guessed dumbly.

"Of course, how foolish of me. Just make sure you don't fall into that hole up ahead, Pichu."

"Don't worry, I won't," said Pichu, falling into the hole.

Moments later he sat up to find himself deep underground. "…How did that happen?"

"Normally when you say you're not going to fall into a hole, that's when you turn _away _from the hole," said Clefairy, who had floated down after him.

"Huh, I'll have to try that next time."

Luckily this was actually where Pichu was supposed to go, as he suddenly noticed a Munchlax sitting on the ground and chewing on a handful of beans.

"Om nom nom… what's this?" he said, looking up and noticing Pichu and Clefairy. "Oh my… you're the first customers I've had in a long time."

"Maybe because you live underneath the garden of a group of psycho murderous Grass-types," Pichu suggested.

"Oh, shut up! This dirt hole is going to be hopping one day! You'll see… you'll _all _see…" The Munchlax began looking around shiftily. "Anyway, do you guys need some Magic Beans? They sprout as soon as you get them wet, and then you can fly on top of the plant and reach high places."

"…As soon as you get them wet?" Clefairy repeated, suddenly regarding him cautiously. "Then shouldn't you be – "

Just then the Munchlax popped another Magic Bean in his mouth, only for a huge bean plant to come exploding out and leaving him a twitching bloody heap on the ground.

"Thank goodness that wasn't my fault," said Pichu.

After looting the Munchlax and stealing all his beans, Pichu (still in his Snivy form) and Clefairy sneaked out of the palace garden and then hoofed to the other side of the palace. Sure enough, there was an entrance back into the garden situated high up on the wall, and so Pichu planted the Magic Bean in the ground and rode it all the way up.

"Well, this is horribly inconvenient. You'll have to fly all the way across the garden to get back to the monkey cage," said Clefairy from where they now had an aerial view of the garden. "Think you're up to that?"

"You bet!" Pichu said determinedly. "My flying has gotten much better! This'll take no time at all."

_Several minutes later…_

"YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" Pichu screamed from where he was dangling upside down in the air, his flight-inducing flowers spinning out of control and sending him zooming back and forth in every direction.

"The sad thing is, this really _is _better than last time," Clefairy sighed.

This of course alerted every single patrol underneath Pichu to his presence. "HALT! INTRUDER!" shouted a Bellsprout standing in a watchtower. "Dammit, why isn't he halting…? Okay men, just like in orientation! Shoot the bastard down!"

"OW! OW! OW! SON OF A B*TCH!" Pichu cried as he was struck by several rounds of Bullet Seeds. "All right asshole, see how _you _like it!" He grabbed one of the Bullet Seeds out of the air and hurled it back down at the Bellsprout who had fired it, hitting him squarely in the head and knocking him out.

"It's not working, chief!" shouted a Tangela.

The lead Bellsprout was freaking out. "Dammit, he's beaten us all! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, GENTLEMEN!" He jumped down from the tower and ran off screaming, and all the other guards did likewise.

"…On the other hand, my blog posts have been getting a lot more interesting lately," said Clefairy.

Somehow this all resulted in Pichu successfully making it all the way across the garden, over to the entrance to the cage. He walked through and found himself back in King Vileplume's chamber, only this time he was in the cage with the Pansage.

"Woah! You two again?" the Pansage gasped as Pichu and Clefairy dropped into the cage. "How did you get in here?"

Pichu struck a heroic pose. "It's all thanks to my nerves of steel! I have no knowledge of fear… or other important concepts!"

"I'm already sorry I asked. Anyway, I'm tied up like this because I went to the Woodfall Temple with the princess in order to investigate the poisoned swamp water. But the temple had become a monster's lair, and the princess was captured by the monster! Now the king thinks I kidnapped her!"

Clefairy looked entirely unsympathetic. "And whose fault is that?"

"…Anyway, I obviously can't go rescue her myself, which means you've got to go in my place," the Pansage said to Pichu. "Can you do that for me?"

"You bet!" Pichu cheered. "Saving people is what I do! At least it is on the off chance that I actually do it right."

Clefairy shook her head at the Pansage. "You have no idea the depths of the mistake you've just made."

"Okay. First, I have to teach you the song that will open up the temple. We can't let the king hear us, so I'll sing it _very softly_." He ever-so-quietly sang the Sonata of Awakening for Pichu. "Did you get all that?"

"You mean like this?" asked Pichu, pulling out his brass pipes and loudly blaring the song back.

"I'm starting to regret this."

"HEY! What the hell is going on in that cage?" King Vileplume roared. "This proves it! The monkey used his mind controlling powers to pry that song from the princess's mind, and now he's summoning his army of monkey overlords to destroy us all! **GET ME MY MOTHER**&*?#**ING BASCULINS!**"

"I wonder when my next paycheck is coming in," Servine sighed as the Grass-types all rushed into the cage, hurling the shrieking Pichu out of the room and dragging the Pansage off to an ugly fate.

––

**Night of the Second Day  
>-36 Hours Remain-<strong>

"Well, all things considered, that went pretty well," said Pichu, popping his arm back in its socket. "Now all we have to do is get to the Woodfall Temple. Uh… how do we do that?"

"I'm going to go out on a limb and say we have to follow that large sign that says _Entrance to Woodfall_," Clefairy said impatiently, pointing at the sign.

"Sweet! I love it when my adventures cater to my short attention span."

So the duo followed the sign and went through the entryway that led them to a high-up area in the Southern Swamp. Pichu traveled over the swamp by flying from one weird mushroom-tree-thing to another, all the while evading the nasty Yanmegas that were flying around.

Finally Pichu's path came to an end at a sheer cliff face with a small landing, on which stood a very odd-looking slab of rock with some musical notes inscribed into it.

"_This _is Woodfall Temple? It looks more like a rock."

Clefairy rolled her eyes as Pichu tried to find a door in the rock. "We must have gone the wrong way. We should just turn around and – "

She fell silent as she suddenly noticed Pichu's entire body going stiff, a look of unbridled terror filling his eyes. "What the hell's wrong with you?"

"I… I sense… a presence," he whispered, staring off at nothing. "But it can't be… that's impossible…"

"Hoo hoot! Hello there, Pichu!" came a voice, and Clefairy looked up and saw a Noctowl perched on top of the stone.

"**NO-HO-HO-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**" Pichu wailed, throwing himself to the ground. "I KILLED YOU WITH MY OWN TWO HANDS, YOU BASTARD! WHY WON'T YOU DIE, WHY WHY WHY?"

"What are you going on about?" asked the Noctowl. "Oh, wait… you're talking about my cousin from Hyrule, aren't you? Yes, I heard that you killed him. Once I learned this I also swore to avenge him by hunting down his killer and making them pay in ways they could not begin to imagine."

Pichu's eyes grew even wider. "Uh… well technically, I only killed him the first time… does that help things?"

Clefairy looked back and forth between the two of them. "I have no idea what's going on here. On the other hand, Pichu is suffering so I won't spoil the moment."

"Now then, Pichu. With the death of my cousin, I have taken up his grand and noble tradition of Internet stalking and intend to use it to its fullest," said Noctowl. "Rest assured I shall be visiting you wherever you go. And you can't kill me because you need my knowledge if you want to avoid being crushed to death by the big rock in the sky."

"I would actually prefer being crushed by a big rock. I bet it's much less painful."

"Quiet you. Now first things first. As I'm sure you are aware, this swamp has lost its guardian deity, and that fate is not solely limited to Woodfall. You must have a way to travel to every corner of Termina and reverse this terrible fate. During your adventure, have you come across any stone statues that look like me?" Noctowl asked. "I installed cameras into each one of them so I can watch you wherever you go."

By now Pichu was lying on the ground and covering his head with his hands. "Why me? Why me?"

"However, there is also a song that will allow you to instantly travel to any one of these statues that are scattered across Termina. It is known as the Song of Soaring and it is inscribed here on this rock," Noctowl went on. "Play it whenever the need arises. I shall leave you here with this knowledge… oh, and whenever you play that song, **I'll know**. Hoo hoot!"

Clefairy had been watching this whole thing in awe, and now she stared after Noctowl as he flapped off into the sky and left Pichu curled up and sucking his thumb. "Wow… that guy practically broke your brain! I really like him! I hope he comes back soon!"

"You'll learn," Pichu said darkly.


	9. More Like WoodFAIL Temple

**A/N: **Who's got Skyward Sword? I do! I do!

…Whose Wii is broken and not letting me play it? Mine is! Mine is!

––

After getting over his trauma from the Noctowl encounter (okay, he didn't really, but Clefairy dragged him along anyway), Pichu entered Woodfall, a large closed-off area of the swamp filled with disgusting purple water. There were several dead trees sticking out of the water and a bunch of long wooden platforms leading over to a large shrine in the middle of the swamp.

"This is the most soul-crushing place I've ever been in. Why the Grass-types would want to put a temple in here is beyond me," he griped as he marched up one of the platforms. "Seriously, this place just makes me want to – ACK!" He was cut off as a rather nasty Ledyba came charging down the walkway and rammed into him, sending him flying into the swamp.

"That's what you get for complaining," said Clefairy.

Eventually they reached the last platform and flew over to the shrine. "Well, this looks like as good a place as any to play that Sonata of Whatever," Clefairy decided.

"Yeah, I guess I – oh crap. Hang on a sec," said Pichu. He immediately shoved the Noctowl statue he'd just noticed right off the shrine, causing it to plummet into the swamp and land right on top of a totally innocent Ledyba who'd just happened to by floating by.

"Ha! I don't care how many people I have to kill, that owl's not pulling a fast one on me!"

"Just shut up and play the dumb song," Clefairy griped. Pichu reluctantly complied and pulled out his pipes, though it took him a while to get the song right since he spent several minutes trying to blow through the wrong end.

"Woah!" he gasped once he'd finally played the song successfully. All the Murkrows circling around flew off in agitation as the swamp water began to churn and the ground began to shake violently – so violently, in fact, that it threw Pichu clear off the shrine and down into the water.

"That's what you get for complaining," said Clefairy.

"I WASN'T COMPLAINING!"

"Well you obviously did _something _wrong."

At that moment their eyes widened as an enormous mound began to rise out of the swamp. It then became clear that this mound was in fact the Woodfall Temple, which came to a stop as water was still spilling down its sides.

"SUCCESS!" Pichu cheered, throwing up his arms. "Now let's get in there and crack some skulls!"

"Yeah, have fun getting inside from down there," Clefairy called down after him, nonchalantly flying inside and ditching him in the swamp.

Pichu pouted. "I need to get better friends." A Carvanha came leaping out of the water and bit down on his head.

––

Several minutes of wasted time later, Pichu crawled into the temple and _finally _ripped off his Snivy Mask, reverting back to normal.

"Thank Entei!" he cried, collapsing to the ground. "I'm not putting that stupid thing on again as long as I live!"

"Great. Now you can put on your other fun mask," said Clefairy, pointing at what was unmistakably a pink Stray Fairy floating in the air.

Pichu's eyes widened. "Ohhhhh no! I'm not going through that again! If those guys were stupid enough to get broken in the first place, that's their own fault!"

Clefairy glared at him. "You do realize I myself am a fairy and am in cahoots with every one of those guys. And if I tell them you had a chance to help them and didn't do it they will probably melt your skin off and feast on your entrails."

"…I'm suddenly feeling much more philanthropic than I was several seconds ago. Let's do it."

So he grudgingly put on the Great Fairy's Mask, and the Stray Fairy let out an excited squeak and flew over to him. No sooner had he done thatthan he got a good look around and realized that the only way to cross the room was via the Deku Flowers set atop a series of tall, twisting tree trunks.

"All right, screw that! I'm just going to walk across," he fumed. "It can't possibly be worse than putting that mask on again."

––

"_WAAAAAAAAAAUGHHHH!_" Pichu screamed as he frantically scrambled away from the dozens of Gastlys who were swarming him and covering the temple floor.

"Look Pichu, I found another one!" Clefairy called down, holding up a second Stray Fairy. "Oh, I see you're being killed. I'll just leave you to that then."

Finally he managed to climb up to where he'd been standing before, very impatiently slap on the Snivy Mask and fly across the room. The room on the other side of the door was much brighter, but was filled with poisoned swamp water with what looked like a big wooden flower floating on top.

"Ugh… it stinks in here," Clefairy griped. She turned to Pichu and smacked him. "You ate those burritos even though I told you not to, didn't you?"

"I can't help myself! I'm a man! A manly man! Burritos are manly food! You can't deny me my nature!"

They plowed through several rooms of the temple, fighting off the stench from the water and finding three more Stray Fairies along the way. Finally they entered a room with a bunch of long wooden walkways sticking up out of the water, but most of them were blocked off by a big stone block in the middle.

"Hmm…" Pichu's dungeon-crawling skills had gotten a little rusty, and he was looking at the block in confusion. "This block is in my way and I have to move it out of my way… what did I use to do in this situation? It started with a 'P'…"

"Piss off your fairy companion? You're pretty good at that," said Clefairy, floating up with another Stray Fairy in her hands.

Pichu snapped his fingers. "No, I got it! It was pork chop!" He let out a yell and rammed his skull into the block, causing it to tip over and crush him.

"What is it like in your brain? I imagine it's like watching a TV show in the wrong language while huffing nitrous oxide and shooting paint thinner."

After somehow overcoming that obstacle, Pichu climbed a flight of stairs and freed yet another Stray Fairy from inside a beehive. He then ascended to the second floor of the temple where he found himself in an eerily dark hallway.

Clefairy stiffened. "Be careful. I sense a lot of evil in here."

"Wow, thank you for that incredibly specific and useful warning. You should get a job as a weather reporter or some – _YEEEEAAAAAAUGGHHH!_" Pichu shrieked as he was swarmed by dozens of additional Gastlys.

"And that's what you get for insulting me. What have we learned today?"

While the Gastlys were all distracted chasing after Pichu, who was running up and down the hallway while screaming and flailing his arms, Clefairy nonchalantly walked over to the room at the end of the hall and lit all the torches. This flooded the room with light and frightened all the ghosts, causing them to quickly disperse.

"Are my pants still on?" Pichu asked deliriously from on the floor.

"You don't wear pants."

"NOOOOOOOO! WHAT HAVE I DONE?"

After the duo rescued a Stray Fairy from inside the chest that had magically appeared, they kept traveling through the temple until they arrived back at the big room with the wooden flower.

"Well, it's clear by this point that somebody doesn't want us in here. This place is full of traps, so don't do anything without thinking it through first."

"Hey look, a conspicuous switch!" cheered Pichu, immediately stepping on it. This caused a bunch of ladders leading to the bottom floor to materialize literally out of thin air with no explanation at all.

"…Sadly, that's not even the most nonsensical thing that's happened so far," Clefairy sighed.

After that they rescued another Stray Fairy that had been floating around in a bubble, but from there Pichu didn't have much of an idea of what to do next, so he ended up wandering blindly around the upper floor until he finally entered a large room and a portcullis slammed over the door.

"Yay! The plot's advancing!" he said, though he quickly lost his confidence as a monstrous Sceptile suddenly dropped down from the ceiling. "…Not yay."

"HALT! Who goes there?" the Sceptile roared. "I have received orders from my master to prevent anyone from getting past this room!"

Pichu got into a fighting stance. "Your master is not the true owner of this temple! It belongs in a museum!"

Clefairy stared at him. "Do you even hear yourself?"

"I can see you are an idiot! I shall do the world a favor and remove your stain from the earth!" The Sceptile came charging at Pichu, but the rodent didn't look scared at all.

"Ha! You know what I say to that? EXPLOSIVES SOLVE ALL PROBLEMS!" He immediately reached for his Bomb Bag, only to remember that he didn't have one. "…Oh, right. **FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDGE!**" he screamed, diving out of the way just as the Sceptile threw itself at him.

"Hey Pichu, keep screaming and running away like that, I think it's working," Clefairy called over to him while he was doing just that.

"SHUT UP WOMAN AND LET ME THINK!" he shouted. He quickly stopped running and turned to face his pursuer, pulling out his Leaf Blade. "All right Mr. Wise Guy, let's see how you like _this!_"

Pichu used Leaf Blade! It's not very effective!

"WHY? WHY DOES LIFE HATE ME?"

"Pichu, you know you do have that one other weapon," said Clefairy as the Sceptile grabbed him and started dribbling him like a basketball.

"Huh? Oh, right!" He quickly broke free of his captor's grasp and slapped on the Great Fairy's Mask. "Hey handsome! Get a load of this!"

"**AAAAAAAUGH! MY EYES!**" the Sceptile shrieked in agony, instantly stabbing himself through the chest and committing suicide.

"Hmm. This might be more useful than I thought," said Pichu, examining his mask. It started giving off a bunch of pretty sparkles. He shuddered.

"Congratulations, you just removed someone's will to live. You must feel like a real hero. Now open the chest," Clefairy ordered, pointing over to the chest that had magically appeared.

"YES! Explosives, here I come!" he cheered as he raced over and pried the chest open, only to find…

"SUICUNE DAMMIT NOT THIS SH*T AGAIN!" he screamed, holding up the bunch of Razor Leaves that were inside.

"Wow. Your one leaf didn't work, so you got a bunch more leaves. I love logic."

His new weapon ended up being useful after all, though, as he hit a switch outside the room that raised up a platform with a Deku Flower on it and allowed him to cross over. He entered the room on the other side, only for yet another portcullis to slam down and block his escape.

"…Yay? The plot's advancing?" he said timidly. His attention was quickly caught by his opponent, a Toxicroak, who was standing in the middle of the room and immediately came leaping over to him.

"Ha ha ha! What is this, some lame punk-ass mouse thinks he's gonna show me up? Don't make me laugh, son! Lemme show you how it's – " Pichu quickly got annoyed and stabbed him through the chest. "AAAAHHHH! MOMMYYYYYYYYYY!" he screamed, rolling around the ground in pain.

"That was lame."

Clefairy blinked. "Wait… there's someone in this world even less competent than Pichu? Something's gone dreadfully wrong with the universe."

Suddenly the Toxicroak sprang back up. "Okay punk, if that's the way you wanna play it!" He let out a deafening cry, and suddenly a huge Grotle came springing up from underground. The Toxicroak leapt on its back and his mount came charging towards Pichu.

Pichu sweatdropped. "**OH COME ON! **THERE'S NO POSSIBLE WAY THAT'S LEGAL!"

Needless to say, seconds later a high-pitched shriek was filling the room as Pichu frantically ran away from the improbably fast Grotle. "Okay, there's no way he's going to figure this one out on his own," Clefairy sighed.

As he ran past her she grabbed him, threw the Snivy Mask on his face and shoved him into one of the several Deku Flowers in the room. As the Grotle came running over it he sprang up and slammed into its underside, sending the mount and rider flying in different directions.

"…Woah! I have no idea what I just did, but I'm a genius!"

"Sure you are. Now take care of slimy over there," said Clefairy, revealing that the Toxicroak was now crawling up the wall in an attempt to get away.

"Come back here, you vile coward!" Pichu shouted, ripping off his mask and chasing after the Toxicroak while hurling Razor Leaves at it. Finally he hit his mark, and the Toxicroak bellowed in defeat as it fell from the ceiling and landed on top of him.

"COMPLETELY INTENTIONAL!"

As Pichu clawed his way out, the defeated Toxicroak suddenly began to shrink, and the next thing the heroes knew it had transformed into a cute little Politoed.

Pichu stared at it. "…That didn't make _any _sense."

"All the stupid things that are constantly going on around here, and you only pick _now _to start noticing?" Clefairy snapped, punching him in the head.

––

Back in the room with the large wooden flower, Pichu suddenly noticed that said large wooden flower had an unlit brazier on top of it and there was a lit one right across from it.

"My adventuring instincts tell me that for some reason I must light that torch to proceed!" he declared.

"Good idea," Clefairy droned as he hurled a Razor Leaf through the lit brazier and onto the unlit one, causing it to ignite. He was instantly swarmed by the Mothims who had been fluttering around the lit one. "Very good idea. I approve of this plan."

For some dumb reason, having the brazier lit caused the wooden flower to begin spinning around as it rose up out of the water on a tall platform. For some additional stupid reason, this purified all the water in the room and caused it to change back to a normal blue color.

"…I really miss when things made sense," Clefairy moaned helplessly. "My grip on reality is weakening. My life is spiraling out of control. I need help."

"Aw, somebody needs a hug!" said Pichu.

"Try it and you die."


	10. Dunce Battlers

**A/N: **Well good news, we managed to steal… I mean borrow our cousins' Wii so we can play Skyward Sword. So far my one impression is… Ghirahim is weird. I also have a CONSPIRACY THEORY about one of the characters but I'll see if I'm right…

––

Now that the water in the temple was purified, Pichu was able to revisit the room with the stone block and rescue a Stray Fairy that had been trapped underwater. He then backtracked and worked his way through the overcomplicated mess of a final room, finding a bunch of additional Stray Fairies floating in bubbles and suffering numerous second-degree burns in the process.

Finally he had found all fifteen Stray Fairies and wandered into the boss's lair, while outside the temple the sun began to rise.

**Dawn of  
>THE FINAL DAY<br>-24 Hours Remain-**

"So, somewhere in here is the monster that kidnapped the princess and poisoned the swamp," said Clefairy as they looked around the ornate, circular room. "Well if you win the Grass-types are saved, and if you lose I get to watch you die. Looks like I'm good to go."

"I'm not gonna lose!" Pichu scoffed. "You shoulda seen the monsters I beat back in Hyrule! Dragons… dinosaurs… more dragons… anyway, whoever this punk is, he's no match for me!"

However, Pichu was very much unprepared for who that punk turned out to be. He suddenly grew a confused look and stared up at the ceiling as the sound of tribal drums started to fill the room… and his opponent came dropping down from the darkness above and crashed to the ground with enough force to throw Pichu off his feet. The electric rodent stared in shock as the imposing Pokémon hoisted up the huge shield he was holding, let out a bellow and began swinging his arm… which happened to double as a sword.

Towering over Pichu was a Gallade… an absolutely enormous Gallade covered in body paint and wearing a demonic mask over his face.

"BWA HA HA! What is this? Some foolish fool has infiltrated my dance hall?" he roared in a booming laugh. "So be it! Prepare to be obliterated by the awesomeness that is me, the mighty GALLADE!"

Pichu was dumbfounded. "Okaaaaaay… well Termina has more unique bosses, I'll give them that."

"Silence, philistine!" Gallade bellowed, swinging his arm-sword-thing right at Pichu. He screamed and backflipped out of the way, and Gallade started advancing on him while doing a funky tribal dance all the while.

"Well, looks like I'm not needed here. Have fun, you two," said Clefairy, sitting against the wall and sipping from a slurpy cup.

"YOU COULD BE HELPING ME YOU KNOW!" Pichu screamed.

"Go Pichu. Woo hoo."

"Surrender now, you insignificant flea! You cannot hope to triumph over my super awesome dance moves!" Gallade declared, nimbly hopping back and forth and slicing his arm at Pichu at every angle. Pichu was reduced to screaming and swearing incoherently as he frantically ducked and rolled from side to side.

"All right, enough of this crap! Time to do what heroes do and kill something!" Pichu shouted, pulling out his Leaf Blade. "YEEEEEAAUUUUUUGGHHHH!" he bellowed as he hoisted it above his head and charged at Gallade, only for his opponent to spin kick him into a wall.

"Walls… my old foe…" Pichu grumbled.

"Haha! Do you see now? I am invincible!" laughed the masked jungle warrior. "Wait – I cannot continue this battle without the proper ambiance! Frank! Morty! Prepare the background music!"

"Right away, sir," sighed one of two Mothims who had floated down from the ceiling, and both of them began pounding out a tribal rhythm on a set of drums.

"Ooh! Yeah! Feel the awesome!"

Meanwhile, Pichu had finally pulled himself up and realized Gallade was distracted. He grew a wicked grin as he pulled out his Leaf Blade and charged forward, then let out a high-pitched shriek as he leapt into the air and drove his weapon into Gallade's thigh.

"ACK! Hey, no fair! I was in the middle of something!" Gallade shouted at him, immediately resuming his wild swinging. Pichu couldn't get out of the way fast enough and was struck broadside by his arm, screaming as he was sent tumbling across the room.

"Ow… okay, I'm getting sick of this already. Gimme that," Pichu snapped at one of the Mothims, grabbing its drum away and hurling it right at Gallade, striking him in the head.

"_OW! _YOU &*?#ING SON OF A – I mean, curses! It's time for me to call backup!" He started spinning around in a circle as he stomped the ground and crazily waved his arms in the air. "TO MEEEEEEE, MY INSECT FRIENDS!"

"What in the name of – " Pichu was cut off as at least a dozen large Spinaraks suddenly dropped down from the darkness and crawled directly toward him.

"**AAAAHHHHHHHHH! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS!**" he shrieked, flailing his arms as the oversized spiders all swarmed over him.

"MOO HOO HA HA HA! Now, BEHOLD my amazing and spirit-crushing VICTORY DANCE!" Gallade laughed as he demonstrated his dance, which mainly consisted of hopping from foot to foot and waving his arms like a monkey.

"So how's it going with you?" Clefairy asked a Spinarak who was also watching the fight.

"Meh, fine I guess. What about you?"

"Well I'm following around that yellow idiot for some reason because he thinks he can save the world. I'm basically counting the days at this point."

"That's cool. Gallade's a bro but his benefits aren't great. Plus he's, y'know, murderous and completely insane."

Meanwhile, Pichu had finally gotten the sense to bust out his Leaf Blade and hack all the offending spiders to pieces. "All right asshole, you're goin' down!" he shouted. "Clefairy, I figured it out! The only way I can beat this guy is by using his own strengths against him!"

"Uh, that sounds good. What did you have in mind?"

"I'm going to beat this guy the only way I can think of at the moment – " He struck a pose. "BY **DANCING!**"

Clefairy stared at him. "What."

Gallade was not amused. "You FOOL! You DARE disrespect the sacred tradition of my funky chicken dance? PREPARE TO DIE!"

He suddenly started jumping around and letting out a tribal chant, and then a huge ring of fire sprang up around him and Pichu. The rodent shrieked and jumped away from the flames just as Gallade started swinging his arms at him, and then he quickly dropped into a spinning breakdance, parrying each one of Gallade's strikes as he swung his leg around and around and kicked the masked warrior's arm out of the way.

"They're breakdance fighting!" cheered the Spinarak.

Clefairy sat gawking at this before slowly looking down at her slurpy cup. "What is _in _this stuff?"

"IMPOSSIBLE! This cannot be!" Gallade roared in frustration. "Frank! Morty! Get in there and do something!"

"You only pay us to play the drums, sir," said Morty. Or maybe it was Frank.

"Bah! Fine then! I shall dispatch him MYSELF!"

He came dancing/running/whatever at Pichu with the intent of finishing him right there, but Pichu grew a knowing smirk, dropped to the ground and started doing the worm, causing Gallade to trip over him and crash to the ground.

"THAT'S IT! YOU THREW OFF MY DANCE! I'M KILLING YOU NOW!"

"Not today, freakshow! HERALD MY FURYYYYYYYY!" Pichu screamed, hoisting his Leaf Blade over his head and leaping into the air to deliver the final blow.

Pichu used Leaf Blade! Pichu's attack missed!

"WHAT THE F – okay, let me do that again," he muttered, turning around and stabbing Gallade right through the chest.

"AAAAAARRGHHHH!" Gallade screamed, frenetically dancing around in his death throes before finally collapsing to the ground and being spontaneously consumed by blue fire. Pichu stood back and watched as he burned away until all that remained of him was his mask.

"…Well, I really have no words for what just happened," Clefairy said, then noticed that Pichu was examining the mask. "Pichu, that thing is a relic of unspeakable evil that gave that monster all his power. You shouldn't touch it."

"Da-na-na-naaaaaaaa! I've seized Gallade's Remains!" Pichu cheered, holding the mask above his head.

"All right, screw it," Clefairy grumbled as the room suddenly began to flood with light. Pichu and Clefairy started to glow before they were quickly teleported away and vanished out of the room.

"…Uh, so what do we do now?" Frank asked Morty.

––

When the light died away, Pichu and Clefairy found themselves standing up on a tall platform in the middle of an enormous, cloudy green expanse. Their surroundings were blurred and hard to distinguish, and there were a bunch of bubbles floating around for some reason.

"Oh great… I think those mushrooms are coming back to me," Pichu groaned as he looked around.

"Where are we?" Clefairy wondered. Then she noticed someone standing off in the distance and her eyes widened. "And what's _that?_"

Pichu looked where Clefairy was looking and noticed the giant Pokémon standing amid the green mist and gazing back at them. Through the blurriness and the distance it was just barely distinguishable as a Regirock.

"Uh oh. Uh… you distract it and I'll aim for the groin."

"Pichu, I don't think it wants to fight. In fact, I think it's… trying to talk to us."

Sure enough, the Regirock suddenly leaned back and let out a low, slow wail that drifted over to Pichu and Clefairy (how it did that without a face was up for debate). Clefairy listened cautiously and suddenly realized it was singing.

"You hear that? What are you waiting for? Get out your Pokéflute!" she said. Pichu reluctantly complied, and in what he would later look back on not-so-fondly as the trippiest thing he'd done on this adventure so far, he listened to the giant singing chunk of rock and played back its song, the Oath to Order. Which really wasn't a song at all but just an arpeggio. Whoever wrote it was apparently just a lazy ass.

Once Pichu had done that the Regirock let out one more long wail before it faded out of sight, and Clefairy listened and realized what it was saying.

"…'Call us'. That's what it's saying."

"How the hell can you tell that?"

"I have to figure out _your _train of thought all the time. This is nothing compared to that."

––

With the death of Gallade, the curse that had been placed on the Southern Swamp was instantly lifted. Outside the Woodfall Temple, the swamp water suddenly began to churn as all the poison was drained away, and within moments it had changed from purple to blue and life was restored to the swamp. Of course, it was still a smelly and depressing hellhole. What are you gonna do.

––

Pichu and Clefairy suddenly materialized in a small room in the lower part of the temple which led out into the now-purified swamp.

"That Pokémon we saw… it must have been the spirit that was sealed inside that mask… one of those four people Cleffa was talking about," Clefairy said to herself, looking very thoughtful. "I guess this means there's three more of them out there that we have to rescue, huh?"

Pichu frowned. "Why? What did they ever do for us?"

Clefairy suddenly remembered Pichu was there. "Oh, hey! Back there, you were…"

Pichu grinned, preparing for a compliment. "Yeah?"

"…a complete idiot! I'm completely convinced that you're a stain on the earth and if I had the chance to steal your horse again I'd do it with glee."

Much to her surprise, Pichu actually beamed at that. "Aw, thanks C-Money! You're so much nicer to me than most people!" he said, giving her a hug.

"…Well, that backfired."

"Hey! Is somebody out there?" came a voice from behind them. They both turned around and realized that behind them was small room covered up by vines.

"Someone's trapped in there! I shall take care of this!" Pichu declared, valiantly hacking at the vines with his Leaf Blade. Meanwhile Clefairy just walked in the larger uncovered entrance to the left.

"Who are you two?" asked the Pokémon in the room, who turned out to be none other than the kidnapped Princess Lilligant. "Wait a minute… did Pansage send the two of you over here to rescue me?"

"You bet!" Pichu cheered. "I'm Pichu, your heroic savior, and this is my loyal sidekick! She totally digs me, you know."

"I'm just waiting for the right moment to kill him, to be honest," said Clefairy.

"Well, it's good to know that Pansage made it back all right," sighed Princess Lilligant. "I was afraid Father would think that he was the one who kidnapped me, and he'd do something ridiculous like using the Basculins or something."

Pichu and Clefairy glanced at each other. "Uh, yeah, about that…" Clefairy began slowly.

The princess realized what they were going to say. "What? You're _sh*tting _me!" she shrieked, punching Pichu in the head out of exasperation and knocking him to the ground. "Father, you imbecile! Every time you use the Basculins they get loose and kill everyone! Mr. Pichu, we have to get back to the palace right now! Don't you have something you can carry me in?"

Clefairy gave her a weird look. "Any particular reason you can't just walk back yourself? It's like two minutes away."

"I'M A PRINCESS DAMMIT! I don't get paid to _walk_ by myself! Now can you help me or can't you?"

Pichu looked confused. "Well… all I really have is…"

He slowly pulled out his Empty Bottle, looking back and forth several times between it and the much, much larger princess.

"…This is gonna be awkward."

––

**A/N: **Odolwa is just about my favorite Zelda boss ever, so I had to make that a good one. Hope I succeeded.


	11. This Makes No Scents

_Deku Palace  
>The Southern Swamp<em>

"GENTLEMEN, _**BEHOLLLLLD!**_" bellowed Snivy Pichu as he kicked the same Whimsicott from before out of the way and strode into King Vileplume's chamber. "YOUR PRINCESS IS ALIVE! I HAVE CRAMMED HER INTO THIS BOTTLE!"

"Yeeeeah, I'm gonna wait outside for this," Clefairy muttered.

Pichu broke out of his dramatic bottle-holding pose when he saw that all the Grass-types were already crowded around an enormous cauldron full of Basculins swimming around in the water. The Pansage was dangling upside-down from a pole and being mercilessly dunked into the water.

"NOOOOOO! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!" the Pansage shrieked as he flailed against the rope binding his ankles. "There's so many things in life I haven't gotten to do, like picking my nose and scratching my butt and eating parasites off peoples' backs!"

"**FOOLISH **MONKEY!" bellowed King Vileplume, shaking his arms in the air for no apparent reason. "NOW AT LAST YOU SHALL KNOW THE PUNISHMENT FOR DEFYING OUR PROUD AND LEAFY KINGDOM! YOUR FLESH SHALL STAIN THE HALLS OF OUR PALACE FOR GENERATIONS! THE VERY UTTERANCE OF YOUR NAME SHALL BE AN UNSPEAKABLE CRIME! OUR DESCENDANTS WILL POINT AND LAUGH AT YOUR DESCENDANTS!"

Pichu came marching up to him with an impatient look. "What the crap are you doing, you dumbass? I have your princess right here!" he said, uncorking the bottle and tipping it upside down. When nothing happened, Pichu blinked and started shaking it, then pounded on the bottom while swearing in frustration. Finally he grabbed a knife from somewhere and started scraping the inside, ultimately causing the princess to come tumbling out.

The king immediately broke off from his rant. "_P-P-Princess? _You're all right?" he stammered in shock.

Princess Lilligant turned to glare at him. "FATHER, YOU IMBECILE!" she roared, swiftly kicking her father in the groin and causing him to keel over. "WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT RECKLESS USE OF THE BASCULINS! YOU LET THAT MONKEY GO THIS INSTANT!"

"Y-y-yes, sweetie," the king whimpered. "Guards! Cut the rope and free the monkey!"

The guards shrugged to each other, then did like he said and cut the rope suspending the Pansage… causing him to plummet directly into the cauldron.

"**_AAAAHHHHHH! THE PAIN!_**" he shrieked as the Basculins all threw themselves at him. "**_O SWEET DEATH, TAKE ME INTO YOUR EMBRACE!_**"

"YOU FOOLS! Remove the cauldron and THEN cut the rope!" King Vileplume roared.

"Shoulda specified that sooner," muttered one of the guards, tipping the cauldron over and sending the soaking wet and heavily injured Pansage tumbling out.

"Oh, Mr. Pansage! Are you all right?" cried the princess as she shuffled up to him. "Please forgive my father. I keep telling him to curb his bloodlust and stop feasting on the flesh of his enemies, but he just won't listen. He must have forgotten to take his pills today."

"Oh, it's all right," the Pansage said weakly. "Anyway, I see you're safe now thanks to Pichu here… or in spite of him, as the case may be."

Pichu grinned. "Well, the important thing is nobody's dead and I'm not getting sued!"

"Oh, yes… thank you, random Snivy person, for rescuing my beloved daughter!" said King Vileplume. "What a joyous day this is! Truly a happy ending for us all!"

The Pansage glared at him. "What are you talking about? You falsely accused me of kidnapping and almost killed me!"

"Yes, a _happy ending for us all!_" the king repeated loudly. "Come, my subjects! We must rejoice in my daughter's safe return! PREPARE THE CELEBRATORY BASCULINS!"

Pichu stared at him. "The what?"

"Don't question it. Just smile and nod," the princess muttered.

What followed was a wild, uproarious party and feast to celebrate the return of the princess… and the restoration of the swamp, but nobody cared about that. Naturally, Pichu insisted on staying for the whole thing and getting plastered. After several hours of debauchery that he probably wouldn't remember later, Princess Lilligant came sidling up to where he was seated at the large table.

"Excuse me, Mr. Pichu, but our butler wanted me to come tell you that he's taken a liking to you and wants to give you a special present."

Pichu immediately spat out his wine. "WHAT? Suicune damn it I've had _enough _of all the freaking pedophiles in this country! You tell him to take his 'present' and shove it up his – "

"He specified it as a non-sexual present. He also said to meet him in the Deku Shrine behind the palace tonight so he can give it to you… hmm, come to think of it, that does sound pretty suspect."

"We'll be sure to bring the rape whistle. Anyway Pichu, if you're not going until tonight, I've got something else for you to do in the meantime," said Clefairy.

"Huh? What do you – " His eyes bulged as he realized what she meant. "Oh no…"

––

"NO! NO-HO-HO-HOOOOO!" he wailed, pounding on the floor as Clefairy dragged him into the Fairy Fountain by his tail. "I'M NOT BRINGING ANY OF THOSE FACE-MELTING HORRORS BACK INTO EXISTENCE! I'D RATHER DIE I WOULD!"

"Good. You go die and I'll bring the Great Fairy back. That way it's win-win," said Clefairy, dragging him into the middle of the room where dozens of Stray Fairies were already floating around. Sensing that they were back where they belonged, the Stray Fairies that Pichu had collected immediately flew away from him and joined their brethren, and within seconds they had formed into another Clefable.

"Oh young one, thank you for returning my broken and shattered body to normal," she said to Pichu, who was currently whimpering and attempting to bury his head in the ground. "As thanks for your kindness, I shall now teach you the move Rapid Spin!"

Pichu lifted his head up and frowned, looking deeply offended. "_What? _You think you need to teach me how to _spin around?_ C'mon, I'm not that dumb!" he said defensively. He immediately demonstrated by performing a Rapid Spin, the end result of which was him crashing through the wall, killing several dozen bystanders and setting part of the swamp on fire.

"That actually crossed the line between embarrassing and awe-inspiring," said Clefairy.

––

**Night of the Final Day  
>-12 Hours Remain-<strong>

Once again, the demonic moon had now grown to enormous proportions as it continued hurtling inexorably toward Termina. The ground was periodically consumed by tremors, signifying that the world was mere hours from its destruction. For some reason the Grass-types didn't react to any of this.

"Pichu, is this really such a good idea? I mean we're practically at the end of the world right about now," said Clefairy as the duo traveled over to the Deku Shrine at the back of the palace. "Shouldn't we be going back in time before it's too late?"

"No freaking way! I was promised a present, possibly shiny and/or consisting of candy, and dammit I'm getting my present!"

"Good to see our priorities are straightened out."

Finally they arrived at the shrine, which was a small and low-lit room, and came upon Servine standing in the room and holding a candle.

"Welcome, Pichu. I would like to thank you for what you did for our princess. Now that she has returned, perhaps our king will stop killing random subjects in a blind rage… as much."

"Hey, a good deed is its own reward," Pichu said dismissively. "Of course, an actual reward is also a reward."

"Yes, of course. We Grass-types have prepared a reward for you. You may claim it by following me through this deadly trap-filled maze."

Pichu glared at him once he realized he was serious. "What? _Why?_ Is that any way to treat the hero who saved your princess?"

"To be honest, this was the king's idea. He said it would be fun and amusing to watch you suffer. Then he put on a jester's cap and started quacking."

Pichu groaned. "Let's just get this over with."

––

"_I! HATE! THIS! WORLD! AND! EVERYONE! LIVING! IN! IT!_" the bruised and bloodied Pichu screamed as he raced after Servine. The butler was effortlessly floating through the maze by way of some kind of spinning flower he held over his head, but Pichu was running through it the hard way and was desperately dodging collapsing floor traps, deadly spears that came shooting from the walls, and an enormous boulder that crashed to the ground behind him and started rolling after him.

"Quick Pichu! Make a hard right!" Clefairy shouted down at him as the boulder was nearly upon him.

"Okay okay!" he cried as he stopped on a dime and turned to the right, immediately running off the platform he'd been standing on and into a bottomless pit. The boulder suddenly stopped and turned right, falling down after him.

"How can there be bottomless pits if we're right above a swamp?" Clefairy wondered.

––

Several minutes later, Pichu managed to drag himself into the final room of the maze, where Servine was already waiting for him.

"Well I must admit, that was slightly impressive," said the butler as Pichu whimpered over his many broken bones. "After that display, you certainly deserve the reward you were promised. Please take it!" He then produced for Pichu the Mask of Scents, which resembled the face of a Grumpig and had the ability to increase the user's sense of smell.

Pichu stared at it incredulously, quickly fighting to contain his murderous rage. "THAT'S IT? Why the _crap_ was this piece of crap worth almost dying multiple times?"

"Don't ask me. You're the one who fell for it. Although… I must admit, I actually had a reason of my own for wanting to race with you," said Servine, suddenly growing a somber expression as he looked on Pichu's Snivy form. "To be honest, you actually remind me of my son who left home long ago. When I race with you, I feel as though I'm racing with my son again… well, except for the flaming idiocy, that is."

Clefairy frowned. "Your son…?"

Her thoughts traveled back in time as she was faintly reminded of something she'd seen at the start of their adventure… and then she was hit with the memory of the twisted, agonized, very dead Snivy-tree, and her eyes bulged as she was forced to realize how grimdark this game really is.

"Oh &*?#ing hell…"

"Aw, that's nice. Well I'm sure wherever he is, he's perfectly safe and he'll be back home before you know it. Bye now!" Pichu said cheerfully, hopping into the inexplicable Shining Blue Portal in the middle of the room.

––

Having done everything for the Southern Swamp that they could do, Pichu and Clefairy finally bid farewell to the Grass-types before returning to Termina Field, where they decided to make the most out of the little time they had left.

"Ahhh… you know, that wasn't really that hard. Saving those other three Pokémon will be a breeze," said Pichu, back in his true form, as they both sat gazing up at the sky. "And when you get right down to it, it's actually kind of peaceful out here in the great wide open, isn't it?"

The sky they were looking up at was about ninety percent moon, which was a matter of minutes away from crashing into the earth. The peacefulness of Termina Field was currently being disrupted by the violent shaking of the ground and the numerous raving Pokémon running around, including a Bisharp holding up a sign reading "REPENT SINNERS" and a hysterical Audino who ran right off a cliff.

"Yeah, I could get used to it here."

"You're a sick man and your birth was most likely an accident. Now can we just get out of here already?" Clefairy demanded.

"Okay, fine," Pichu pouted, pulling out his Pokéflute and playing the Song of Time just before it was too late. The effect was instantaneous: time around them seemed to slow to a crawl, sounds grew muted and warped and a strange tension filled the air… and then the whole world was ripped away before their eyes as the shrieking duo was sent falling head-over-heels into the great white nothingness, and everything reset…

––

**A/N: **And Arc 1 is done! Huzzah! I love the next part of the game.


	12. Putting Off The Main Story

**Dawn of  
>THE FIRST DAY<br>-72 Hours Remain-**

"Man, it sure is nice to start off one of these cycles of madness in the _right _form for once," Pichu said cheerfully as they came walking out of the Clock Tower. "And best of all, since I'm not a Snivy that dumb dog will leave me alone!"

Right on cue, the Lillipup suddenly hurled itself at Pichu from out of nowhere.

"**AAAAHHHHH! WHAT THE &*?#! I THOUGHT IT ONLY DID THIS TO GRASS-TYPES!**" he shrieked as he suffered another savage mauling.

"I guess it just doesn't like you," Clefairy said gleefully.

Pichu eventually managed to fend off the Lillipup by frantically punching it in the face until it dropped him and trotted off. By this time he was covered in bite marks and missing about half of his blood.

"Well that took you long enough. Anyway, Cleffa said the next place we should go is the mountains up to the north, so once you're done whining we can be on our way."

Pichu sat up and glared at her. "Uh, _hello? _My spleen is hanging out here?"

"And you don't _need _your spleen to survive, now do you?"

––

Ready to start the next phase of their adventure, the dynamic duo traveled over to North Clock Town and out the exit to Termina Field, this time heading in the direction of the mountains. They walked through the grassy northern part of the field, only to blink in surprise as they took one step and suddenly found themselves in a frozen barren wasteland.

"This place is really weird," said Pichu, glancing over at the sandy beach that was about five feet away.

"Yes, I think 'Termina' actually translates to 'Land of abruptly changing biomes'. Now let's hurry up and get to the mountains before something stupid happens to us again."

"You mean like this?" asked Pichu, who was currently several feet above her head and dangling from the jaws of a huge Tyranitar.

"Something like that, yes," Clefairy sighed as Pichu's delayed reaction finally kicked in and he started shrieking and struggling to escape. After several minutes of his frantically punching it in the tooth to no avail, the Tyranitar finally lost its patience and just ate him.

––

"…I'm still trying to figure out how you got out of there," Clefairy said one scene transition later.

"I told you, it's the plot protection! As long as I'm not fighting a final boss, I can't be vanquished!" Pichu declared. "Anyway, it's obvious I need a better weapon to get past those things. The only way to beat Tyranitars back in Hyrule was with explosives!"

"Of course it was," Clefairy groaned. "Well fine, if that's how it has to be. Just so long as you don't do something really stupid like wasting over one-sixth of the time left before the world ends just so you can get some bombs."

"Oh don't worry, even I would never do something that stupid."

––

**Night of the First Day  
>-60 Hours Remain-<strong>

"_How is this _not_ wasting over one-sixth of the time left before the world ends?_" Clefairy hissed. The two of them had spent all day doing nothing but crouching in some tall grass in North Clock Town.

Pichu blinked slowly as he seemed to realize this. "Oh… huh, I guess it is. Well anyway, you clearly don't understand the full power of a good explosive," he said. "Bombs can do _anything! _Cure hangovers, make women look more attractive, even turn back time! I, Pichu, shall take it upon myself to unleash the full potential of bombs upon this land! Oh they all called me crazy, like that Psyduck back in Hyrule, but I punched him in the face! That was the day I ate chili and beans for breakfast. I sort of regretted that. Hey look, a Butterfree!"

"I wonder if they sell cyanide pills at that Curiosity Shop," Clefairy muttered to herself as Pichu started chasing after the Butterfree.

Eventually he sat back down and spent the next several hours rather loudly extolling the virtues of bombs, which sort of defeated the purpose of hiding in the grass. Finally midnight rolled around and the Froslass they'd seen during the first cycle came floating down the path, the large bomb bag slung over her back.

"Oh, I understand what you're doing," Clefairy whispered as she cautiously eyed the Sneasel come sneaking out of the shadows, just like last time. "You're going to rescue her bomb bag from that Sneasel and then she'll reward you with some bombs of your own, right?"

"MWA HA HA HA HAAAA!" came Pichu's evil laugh from several yards away. Clefairy did a double take and realized he'd already knocked the Froslass to the ground himself and was running off with the bomb bag. "VICTORY IS MINE! NEW WORLD ORDER!"

"I should know better at this point," Clefairy sighed.

Sneasel stood there looking stunned at this turn of events. "Uh… right. I'll just uh, be over here then," he, quickly turning ninety degrees and walking off. The Froslass was left alone on the ground with a broken hip.

––

"Check it out! I hit the jackpot!" Pichu cheered once he'd run safely back into North Termina Field, Clefairy reluctantly following him. "This thing is full of Egg Bombs! Oh my lovelies, we shall never be apart again!"

"Yeah, that cyanide is soundin' good right now," Clefairy muttered. "Hmm…? Hey Pichu, look! There was also a mask in here," she said, reaching into the bag and pulling out the Blast Mask, a round black mask with a skull and crossbones on it. "Although it doesn't have eyeholes, which seems to defeat the purpose entirely."

"Sweet! Anything's better than that Sparkly Drag Queen Mask!" said Pichu, immediately slapping it over his face. The instant he did, the mask exploded and sent him flying backwards several feet, skidding across the ice with a badly singed face.

"See? Every time you insult fairies you suffer painfully. Now what have we learned?" said Clefairy.

"Still worth it," he choked out. "Huh…? Hey C-Money, you hear that?"

The two of them looked up as they suddenly heard a soft, eerie tune coming from atop a frozen tree… thing. Climbing up to investigate, they were surprised to find a very pale, creepy-looking Frillish doing a dance on top of the tree.

"That jellyfish is dancing on a tree. Is this normal?"

"I'm a bit more concerned about where that random music is coming from," said Clefairy, glancing around.

"I am no longer part of the living… my sadness to the moon…" Frillish sighed as he danced. "I haven't left my dance to the world… I am filled with regret."

Pichu groaned impatiently. "Look man, I don't have time to translate your mumbo-jumbo talk. Can you please just talk normally?"

"Oh, sure thing," said Frillish, coming to a stop. "Basically I'm pissed off because I died before my time, and I never had the chance to teach my dance to the world. If only someone would take up my mantle and make it into a popular dance craze…"

Clefairy frowned. "Already I grow tired of your whining. Pichu, play him that Song of Whatever, maybe it'll shut him up."

"You got it!" Pichu said cheerfully as he played the Song of Storms, causing an instantaneous thunderstorm. "Oh, you mean the other one," he said as he saw the death glare Clefairy was giving him, self-consciously correcting himself and playing the Song of Healing.

"Oh, my…" Frillish gasped as he heard the rather haunting melody. Suddenly all the sorrow seemed to drain away from his face and he looked oddly peaceful. "That song… it has healed me of my regrets… I can finally pass on from this world, if only you will be the one to pass my dance on to a new generation."

"Who, me?" asked Pichu. "Uh, I'd love to, but whenever I try to dance I usually end up killing people."

"Oh, that's no problem. Take this!" said Frillish as he magically produced Frillish's Mask, which was basically an equally creepy replica of his head. "Wearing this mask magically gives you the ability to dance for some reason!"

"Excellent. Another mask without eyeholes. For a culture that's so dependent on them, you people don't seem to grasp the basic concepts of mask making," said Clefairy.

"Yes, that was how I died. I couldn't see where I was going and I fell off the tree. Perhaps that was a glaring design flaw in retrospect…" Frillish admitted. "Anyway, watch over the young one and make sure he spreads my dance across the world."

Pichu, who also couldn't see with the mask on, had wandered several yards away and was currently being chewed on by another Tyranitar.

"…I'll do what I can."

––

"Okay, now that you're inexplicably not dead again can we please stop helping random people and get on with our lives?" Clefairy asked after an additional scene transition.

But Pichu would have none of it. "Hang on just a minute! That ghost guy said he wanted me to teach his dance to somebody! We have to go back to Clock Town! I think I know exactly who I can teach it to!"

"Do you even remember why you came out here in the first place?"

"Not really."

So Pichu led them over to West Clock Town, where a duo of Meloettas (in Pirouette Forme) who belonged to Linoone's carnival troupe were currently rehearsing their dance in the town square. Unfortunately they were having some trouble getting the dance down, and apart from a really pervy Sentret guard they didn't have much of an audience.

"So, you're going to help those two out by teaching them Frillish's dance?" asked Clefairy.

"Of course! They need to learn a new dance for the carnival, and I'm a hero who helps people! Why wouldn't I help them out?"

"Well you've been standing there ogling them for the past hour without really doing anything."

"Oh, right. I thought I forgot something."

"Hmph. Don't bother us!" snapped one of the Meloetta Sisters as Pichu came walking up to them. "Can't you see we're trying to perfect our dance? We have only two days left until the Carnival of Time and we still haven't figured it out!"

"Actually, I think I can help you ladies out with that," said Pichu, waggling his eyebrows. He immediately slapped on Frillish's Mask, and both sisters stopped dancing and watched him incredulously as he performed Frillish's funky and vaguely suggestive dance in front of them.

The Sentret guard frowned as he watched. "I find this incredibly unkinky."

"So, whaddaya think?" Pichu said eagerly as he finished, taking the mask off.

In response, the two Meloettas stared at him silently for a long moment before they both burst out laughing, sliding to the ground as they were overcome by hysterics.

"_BWA HA HA HA! _Do you have any idea how stupid you look in that mask?" one of them jeered. "Oh man, and I thought _we _had problems! Good to know our lives could still be a whole lot worse." She gave Pichu a pat on the back. "Thanks for cheering us up, kid."

Pichu blinked slowly. "…That played out differently in my head."

––

"Boy, helping people feels good, doesn't it?" Pichu said cheerfully as he entered Termina Field for the third time that day, not seeming concerned that the moon wasn't getting any smaller. "Maybe we should do more of this side questing stuff. Ooh! I saw a Shooting Gallery in town! We should go do that! I'm great at shooting when I'm sober!"

He tried to spin around and run back into town, but Clefairy finally snapped and clotheslined him. "NO, NO, _NO!_ I've _had _it! We've wasted nearly a whole day doing nothing but mugging old ladies and turning dead people into masks and helping stupid people I don't care about! We are getting this story back on track _now_, and if we get crushed by the moon so help me I will forcibly remove your eyeballs with your own fingers!"

Pichu's ears drooped in disappointment. "Okay, fine… to be honest, I kind of forget how I even got sidetracked in the first place… oh, right."

He looked up and found himself surrounded by a group of Tyranitars, slavering hungrily as they glared down at him and looked ready to devour him in one bite. Instead of looking afraid, though, Pichu just gave them all a sly grin.

"Gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to my four-part plan. I forget the first three parts, but the last part is BOMBS FOR THROWING AT YOU!"

And so the darkness of the Terminian nightfall was lit up by dozens of explosions visible for miles around as Pichu was finally able to use Egg Bombs for the first time in this story. There were no survivors.

––

**A/N: **Okay, next time I promise we'll actually get somewhere! Sticking in all the mask getting side quests is hard to do.

Also, my whole "plot protection not working on final bosses" thing appears to be vindicated, since according to Hyrule Historia an entire timeline came into existence by Link failing to beat Ganon in OoT. I find that strangely hilarious.


	13. Land of the Ice and Snow

**A/N: **Wow, I suck at updating on time don't I?

––

After successfully putting Tyranitars on the endangered species list, Pichu and Clefairy traveled up the steep, icy trail that led up into the mountains. The temperature plummeted as they went, and it wasn't long before they were wandering through a blustery wasteland covered in snow.

"This place is awful," Pichu groaned as he trudged through the snow. "I can't feel my toes anymore. And I think I saw a frozen corpse back there."

"I think he was an insurance salesman. No worries," said Clefairy. "Anyway, this climate is way too harsh for most Pokémon to survive in, so the good news is you probably won't get attacked by anything."

At that very moment, a bouncing Galvantula suddenly came leaping out of a snow bank and threw itself onto Pichu.

"_WHY? WHY I ASK YOU?_"

––

After a long and painful while the two of them arrived at the snowbound Mountain Village, although calling it a "village" was really stupid since there was only one house. The only other things to be seen were a frozen pond and a bunch of pine trees.

"_Finally_, some shelter!" Clefairy sighed. "Pichu, let's hurry and get in that house before we freeze to death. …Pichu?"

"YEE-HAW!" Pichu cheered, and suddenly the Galvantula came bouncing up next to Clefairy with him riding on its back. "Look C-Money, I made a new friend! All I had to do to get it to like me was stick my Leaf Blade through its head and remove most of its brains!"

"Yeah, that sounds pretty accurate."

So the two of them hurried over to the lone house, which was in fact a mountain smithy, and as they arrived Clefairy grabbed Pichu and rammed his head against the frozen door in order to force it open.

"UGOGH! UGOR UGOH UGHOR?" bellowed a very large Conkeldurr standing in the room, looking very angry at the two of them for breaking in.

Pichu grew very pale and quickly pointed at Clefairy. "Uhh, she did it. She used her womanly wiles on me! Damn you harlot!"

"HEY! Shaddup, you dumb pile of muscle and disgustingly huge veins!" came a shout as a wooden plank came flying and hit the Conkeldurr in the head. Pichu and Clefairy turned to see the voice (and the plank) had come from a Timburr lying on a couch.

"Eh, sorry about that," he said as he noticed them. "Welcome to the Mountain Smithy, where we take our time to make a good point, but not to come up with puns less stupid than that one."

"Yo," said Pichu.

"I'm Timburr, the owner, and that shining example of inbreeding over there is my assistant Conkeldurr. He's all brawn and about as smart as a Lum Berry."

"Why is he wearing a muzzle?" asked Clefairy.

"Oh, he has to wear that. If he doesn't he starts licking his crotch and biting people."

"UGO-OH! UGO UGO!" Conkeldurr roared, furiously waving around his concrete pillars and accidentally smashing a wall in.

"SCREW YOU, MAN! Dostoyevsky was the greatest author of our time! Your Nabokov can kiss my ass!"

"Uh… hang on a minute… this is a smithy?" asked Pichu, his delayed reaction time showing off again. "Hey, does that mean you guys could sharpen my sword?"

"…Uh, no. Two reasons. Number one, your 'sword' is a leaf."

"That a deal breaker?"

"Number two, our hearth is all frozen over due to the abnormal cold snap we've been having," said Timburr, pointing at the large and rather conspicuous block of ice in the middle of the room that somehow had not been mentioned until now. "The way things are going, I'm afraid we won't be able to do any business until all the snow melts… ugh, what's to be done about this?"

"UGO! UG UG UGOH!"

"GLOBAL WARMING? THAT'S A FARCE AND YOU KNOW IT!" Timburr bellowed. "Ugh, that dumbass… he actually believes the rumor that long ago there used to be hot springs in the mountains near here. I suppose we could theoretically use the hot spring water to melt the ice, which makes it far too convenient to the plot to actually exist."

Clefairy glared at them. "Well, thanks for being completely useless. We'll just be on our way then."

"UGOH! UGOR UG UGOH!" Conkeldurr roared angrily at them as he continued to flail his concrete pillars around. This time he accidentally smashed a hole in the roof and caused the whole thing to come collapsing on top of them.

"I should probably take those things from him."

––

**Dawn of  
>THE SECOND DAY<br>-48 Hours Remain-**

"Well, it certainly is good to know that we accomplished absolutely _nothing _in these first twenty-four hours," Clefairy griped. They had left the village behind and were traveling across a series of wooden bridges spanning over a frozen lake.

"Hey, no worries!" said Pichu, bouncing up next to her on the Galvantula. "We'll get to wherever it is we're supposed to be going in record speed, thanks to Theodore!"

"…You named it Theodore?"

"Yeah! Isn't she awesome?"

"I choose to refrain from responding to that," said Clefairy. "…Hey, where are we?"

They had made it across the lake and wandered through a narrow passage, and now they looked up to find that they had entered Goron Village, where the Fire-types of Termina made their home. The village was perched right on the edge of a mountain cliff, and all the buildings were made of stone. Unfortunately, due to the blisteringly low temperature and the fact that everything was buried under several feet of snow, there wasn't a single Pokémon to be seen.

Clefairy looked around in confusion. "Where is everybody? There's supposed to be a bunch of Fire-types living around here."

"Maybe they all died already. Sweet! Then I can go home and have a nap."'

Clefairy groaned and covered her face. "This must somehow be Nuzleaf's fault too… come on, we'd better go investigate."

The two of them wandered through the eerily quiet and deserted village, but apart from some huge snowballs randomly rolling around for some undefined reason, they didn't see anything or anyone.

"Man, this is stupid. Where's somebody we can talk to?" said Pichu.

"Hoo-hoot! We meet again, Pichu!"

"Not exactly what I had in mind…"

Pichu and Clefairy looked up and saw Noctowl perched on top of a tall stone post and gazing down at them. Pichu let out a very loud, exasperated moan and started banging his head on the post, causing it to shake and rattling Noctowl around.

"Please stop that. Now then Pichu, it seems you may have the strength to change the fate of this land as I expected. Which is good, because I have not yet finished doling out your punishment."

"Hang on a minute…" said Clefairy. "We've gone back in time since we last saw you! How the heck can you possibly remember us?"

"Oh please. A little thing like time travel is trivial against the raging infernal depths of the punishment I intend to give to this child."

Clefairy sweatdropped. "This guy may not be as cool as I thought…"

"Now as I was saying. Just like the Southern Swamp, the land of the Fire-types is suffering. It is doomed to be smothered in snow and ice forever, and it will become a land where no living thing can survive."

"Are you sure they didn't all just run away when they saw you? That's what I would've done."

"Without either courage and determination, or a complete disregard for common sense, you cannot hope to change the fate of this mountain. Thankfully, you have plenty of the latter. If you wish to proceed with your quest, follow behind me to that shrine over there."

Pichu stuck his head out from behind the post and peered over at the shrine Noctowl had mentioned. It appeared to be nothing more than a floating slab of rock hovering several yards away in the middle of the air.

"How exactly am I supposed to get over there?"

"Do not be daunted by appearances. Instead, let your feelings guide you, and the true path shall open before you."

Pichu glared at him. "Dude, that's complete bullsh*t. You're lying to me and trying to get me to think that there's invisible platforms or something when really there's just a bottomless pit you're trying to drop me into!"

"All right, fine. We'll do this the honest way," said Noctowl, gripping Pichu in his talons and dropping him into the pit.

"**YIIIIIIIIIIIII**IIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiii…"

"And my work here is done," said Noctowl, flying off and leaving Clefairy with a very confused expression on her face.

––

Thankfully Pichu miraculously survived as he always did, and with no other way to cross over to the shrine, Clefairy reluctantly flew him over. They walked through the entrance to a little cave in the shrine, where they found a chest waiting for them.

"Sweet! I hope it's bombs!"

"Pichu, you already have bombs."

"Yes, but simple mathematics tells us that 'bombs' are inferior to 'more bombs'."

"Even when you're being logical you're an idiot," Clefairy griped as Pichu opened the chest. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) there were no bombs inside, but rather a strange relic that Pichu was actually quite familiar with.

"Heyyyy, it's the Silph Scope!" he exclaimed, pulling out the item that allowed him to see things that were normally invisible. "But I thought there was only one of these! And why do the Fire-types have it when it has absolutely nothing to do with them?"

"Given the way this adventure has gone so far, I'm assuming it will be left to the imagination."

The two of them left the shrine and Clefairy flew him back over to the village, but they were both very displeased to find who was waiting for them.

"Hoo-hoot! Wait a minute, how are you still alive?" demanded Noctowl. "I see… so the fabled plot protection is real after all. Well then, if I cannot kill you, the only course of action that remains is for me to maul you within an inch of your life so that all you may do is pray for death."

Pichu grew very pale, his mind racing. "Uh oh. Uh… think fast!" he shouted, hurling Theodore up at Noctowl. The stalker owl screeched in surprise as he was mauled/electrocuted by the giant spider, causing both of them to plummet into the bottomless pit.

Pichu's eyes bulged as he saw what he'd done. "NOOOOOOO! THEODORE! She died the bravest death of all."

"You do realize that when you play the Song of Time she'll be alive again, right?"

"Oh, yeah. Screw that then. So, I have this Silph Scope thingy, what am I supposed to do with it?"

"Well, maybe there's some sort of invisible plot device around here for us to find," said Clefairy. "Be careful though, Pichu. The Silph Scope was made to combat illusions and falsities, so it may take a lot of time and intuition to find what it is we're supposed to find."

So Pichu pulled the Silph Scope up to his eye, and literally the very first thing he saw was the gray, muscular ghost of a Pignite with a huge gash across its stomach, hovering several inches off the ground and gazing down at Pichu with a forlorn and serious expression.

"…That was not quite what I expected."

––

**A/N: **So, I decided to compromise and make Darmani be the evolved form of Tepig. Hopefully that makes everyone happy, or at least not unhappy enough to string me up in the town square.


	14. Where the Hot Springs Flow

**A/N: **I just realized, the Silph Scope works doubly well here since it actually does allow you to see ghosts. Huzzah.

––

The Pignite ghost stared down at Pichu, looking as surprised to see him as he was to see it.

"…Can it be? Are you able to see me?" it said in wonder.

"…Uh… Clefairy, can you see a big pig ghost floating right in front of us?" Pichu asked timidly.

"No," Clefairy said flatly, seeing how she wasn't looking through the Silph Scope.

"Great… it's finally happening," he groaned. "The cold is making me delirious. I'll be frozen to death in minutes. Goodbye, cruel world. C-Money, notify my next of kin."

Clefairy glared at him. "I pray to the gods there aren't actually more of you."

"I can assure you I am no hallucination, child," said the Pignite. "If you can truly see me, then follow behind me." To Pichu's surprise, he suddenly turned around and floated off toward the entrance to the village, vanishing into the snowy whiteness.

"Uh, that ghost guy that only I can see just told me to follow after him and then went off into the middle of a blizzard. What should I do?"

"Well, let's think about this for a minute…"

"Okay, decision made! Let's follow him!" Pichu declared, racing blindly along after the ghost. Clefairy irritably followed after him as they backtracked across the bridges that spanned the frozen lake, heading all the way bake to the Mountain Village That Wasn't Really a Village.

"Woah! Where's he going?" gasped Pichu, who'd been watching the Pignite through the Silph Scope this whole time. The ghost had been flying along ahead of them as he led them back to the village, and now he began floating up a huge sheer cliff face that led up to a landing far above them.

"Great… how do I follow him up there?" Pichu griped.

Clefairy swiped the Silph Scope from him and looked through it. "Pichu, there's a bunch of invisible rungs set into the cliff. You can climb up there no problem."

"Aw, come on! That's a cheap cop-out! I'm climbing up there the traditional way, like a _real _man!"

"Have it your way," said Clefairy, proceeding to float up to the landing in a matter of seconds. Pichu joined her several hours later, badly bruised and with one of his ears chewed off. Don't ask how that happened.

"Oh, hello there… have you come to pay respects to the great Pignite?" asked a weary-looking Growlithe who was shivering dangerously in the cold. "I set his grave myself… but now the way back to the village is blocked by snow and I can't get home. Plus, there's my brother."

Pichu and Clefairy peered over his shoulder and saw another Growlithe rather disturbingly frozen inside a thick layer of ice.

"You do realize he can't breathe in there and is probably dead, right?" asked Pichu.

"Yes, I kind of figured. Now I really wish I'd taken some of the hot spring water from underneath the grave," said the not frozen Growlithe. "But all my extremities are frozen, so now there's no way I can move the gravestone… or have kids."

Clefairy gave him a look. "Uh… but you're a Fire-type. Couldn't you just, you know, use your fire and melt the ice?"

"No, no, only hot spring water will work. I'm almost positive. I think."

"Have I mentioned I hate it here?" Clefairy asked Pichu as they both decided to ditch the Growlithe and walk into the nearby cave. Inside they were surprised to find a large gravestone set in the ground, which could only belong to the ghost they had been following.

Pichu read the gravestone. "'Here Lies Pignite the Third. We Are Sorry For His Loss, Because We're Really &*?#ed Without Him.'"

"Well, the Fire-types know how to get to the point."

Pichu suddenly remembered the Silph Scope and quickly put it up to his eyes, and sure enough, Pignite's ghost was floating there in front of his grave and looking down expectantly at Pichu.

"The stalking one said the one who could see me would be arriving soon… and that he was going to drop him off a cliff," said Pignite. "I can only assume he meant you and that you survived somehow."

"Yup! I used my catlike reflexes," Pichu boasted. "And by that, I mean I threw a big spider at him."

"Yes, I really don't care. Anyway, you're probably wondering why I brought you here," said the ghost. "I am Pignite the Third. When I was alive, I was the hero of Goron Village, a renowned warrior descended from a long line of mighty Fire-types." He looked anguished. "But alas… I am now dead."

"Yeah, we kinda figured that last part out," said Clefairy, who was sharing the Silph Scope with Pichu.

"How'd you kick the bucket, man?" asked Pichu.

Clefairy glared at him. "Pichu! Asking him something like that is incredibly insensitive."

"Really? I thought that was asking women their age. …Oh yeah, that reminds me. How old are you, C-Money?"

Pignite's shoulders drooped in defeat. "My death… it was all because of a demon who suddenly appeared at Snowhead, causing a devastating blizzard that threatened to destroy the village. As I was the strongest warrior in the village, I knew I was the only one who stood a chance against the demon, and I marched off to Snowhead to confront it myself… but then…"

Clefairy looked horrified. "You mean you were killed by the demon?"

"No, actually, I tripped over a rock and fell off a cliff. It was quite humiliating…"

"Well, that rock was _obviously _placed there by Nuzleaf," Pichu decided. "You hear that, Clefairy? After all the other bad stuff he did, now he's killed somebody! You feel guilty yet?"

"Hmm, maybe a little." She slugged Pichu in the stomach, causing him to keel over in pain. "Now I feel better."

"Your idiotic banter is grating my nerves. If I were alive, both your heads would be on my mantelpiece by now," said Pignite. "Anyway, as I'm sure you've noticed, the blizzard has only gotten worse and my people are suffering… I may have died, but I cannot rest." He turned to Pichu. "You, yellow one! The stalking one also said you possessed a strange power… please, bring me back to life with your plot protection!"

Pichu stared, suddenly starting to feel bad. "Uh, I'm pretty sure that's not how it works."

"Yes, that only works on important people," said Clefairy. "The fact that you're dead right now basically means you were an unimportant side character whose existence was ultimately insignificant in the grand scheme of things. So really, you weren't a big loss. Maybe that'll make you feel better."

"I'm beginning to feel a deep-seated hatred for the both of you. Well, if you cannot bring me back to life, then I beg you… heal my sorrows. Any way you can do it will suffice. Please, heal my sorrows."

"Wow, that was an oddly specific choice of words. I think I know exactly what to do!" said Pichu, pulling out his Pokéflute of Time but then suddenly pausing. "Uh…"

"You forgot how the song goes, huh," Clefairy sighed, not looking surprised.

"Don't worry, I prepared for this!" Pichu said brightly, whipping out a piece of sheet music. Unfortunately he was holding it upside down and so ended up playing the completely wrong thing, but apparently it was close enough to work.

Pignite suddenly grew an entranced look on his face as he listened to the song, gazing off at nothing. "What a soothing melody…"

––

_Then suddenly he was lost in a vision. The room with his grave was gone, and he found himself surrounded by all the Fire-types of Goron Village. They were cheering him on, waving their fists in the air and giving him their undying love and support. Some of them even had those big foam hands with "#1" painted on them. So moved was he that he suddenly felt tears running down his face, finally allowing his spirit to fade away…_

––

Back in the room with the gravestone, Pignite's ghost had vanished. In his place was a wooden mask of his face, which appeared in the air before clattering to the ground.

"What in Suicune's name just happened here?" asked Pichu.

"Oh, you know. Stuff materializing out of nothing, law of conservation of matter raped to death, same as always," Clefairy said wearily. "But you must have managed to heal his soul after all, because look! You got another mask."

"_I leave with you my undying feelings_," Pignite's voice suddenly echoed in the room. "_Please, do what I could not and save my people… save the Fire-types._"

––

"Man, that guy was ug-ly," said Pichu as they left the cave, holding his new mask and scrutinizing it. "What's this thing's special power, anyway? Scaring off unwanted suitors?"

"Pichu, show a little respect. That mask contains the soul of a dead guy. Just like your Snivy Mask must contain the soul of Servine's kid."

"Really?" Pichu looked surprised. "Hey, then does that mean…"

He experimentally put the mask on his face, only to immediately collapse to the ground and thrash around screaming in agony while Clefairy watched rather indifferently. The mask continued to tighten over his face until suddenly it gave off a brilliant flash.

When the light died away, Pichu opened his eyes and was astonished to find that the mask had turned him into a Pignite.

"COOL! I'm a fat ugly pig! …Wait, how is that cool?"

"Holy balls! Pignite, is that you?" gasped the Growlithe, who was still standing outside the cave. "But I thought I just made your grave… have you truly come back to life?"

"Uh, I was very clearly standing in front of you when I put that mask on and turned into him. But if that's what you want to believe, go right ahead."

"Amazing! Now that you have returned to us, there's hope for our village after all!" the Growlithe cheered. "Hey, could you start by thawing out my brother? There's a hot spring right underneath your gravestone."

"You got it!" said Pichu, racing back into the cave. Using his newfound strength (he was _much _more powerful in this form), he wound up his fist and punched the gravestone, sending it flying into the wall and revealing a grate underneath. This caused the room to instantly fill up with steaming hot spring water.

Clefairy glared at Pichu. "The very first thing you do with your new form is defile a grave. Wonderful."

"Don't worry, it's my own grave. I think."

He bottled some of the hot spring water and returned outside, dumping it on top of the frozen Growlithe. The ice instantly melted away and the Growlithe slowly came out of stasis.

"Ugh… how many jager bombs did I have last night?" he groaned. "WOAH! Pignite, is that really you?"

"Yeah, it is! Can you believe it?" said his brother. "Well, either that or we're both freezing to death and he's a dying hallucination. I kind of hope that's not it."

––

Now that he was rather shamelessly impersonating their most beloved hero, Pichu returned to the Goron Village in order to find out exactly how he was supposed to help the Fire-types.

"Pignite? B-but how? I thought you were dead!" exclaimed the Camerupt standing atop the entrance to the Goron Shrine as he saw Pichu.

"You're right, he is. I'm just a Pichu who's pretending to be him."

"Oh, you joker!" laughed the Camerupt. "If you want to enter the shrine, Pignite, I'll open it up for you!"

"I keep telling the truth, but no one listens," Pichu said to Clefairy as the Camerupt stomped the ground, causing the door underneath them to open right up.

The Goron Shrine was a huge, rocky chamber with several unlit torches and a winding slope leading up to the top floor. Suspended from the ceiling was a big chandelier made of clay whose dishes all resembled the face of a Pignite, which was kind of creepy. However, Pichu and Clefairy didn't notice any of this.

"_BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! _BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH_! _BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH_!_"

"_Ugh! _Who's making all that noise?" Pichu complained. The other Fire-types standing around were in similar agony, covering their ears against the grating noise.

"I knew coming in here was a mistake. Whoever's doing that is actually managing to be more annoying than you," Clefairy griped.

"Oh, I can fix that if you want!" said Pichu, quickly making farting noises with his armpits.

"Urgh… Pignite? You're alive? But the elder said you were dead!" said a Magcargo over the loud wailing noise. "In fact, that's why his son is up there making all that noise… the elder was convinced you were never coming back, and he went off to Snowhead to confront the demon himself!"

"Really? So that noise is just a little kid? Nothin' a good punch can't fix!" Pichu said cheerily, racing over to the slope that led up to the second floor. Unfortunately, he couldn't make it more than a few steps before he slid back down.

"Inclined planes… my old foe."

"I thought walls were your old foe," said Clefairy.

"You make many foes when you're a hero like me."

"Uh huh. Hey, can't Pignites learn Rollout? Maybe you should use that to get upstairs."

"Great idea!" Pichu cheered, curling up into a ball and rapidly rolling up the steep slope in no time at all. When he came uncurled at the top, his face was very green.

"Oh sweet Raikou, I'm gonna barf," he groaned, doubling over and throwing up into a very expensive-looking vase.

"_BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH__! BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!_" cried the elder's son, who turned out to be a little Darumaka, as he sat in a large chair in the middle of the room. "Oh Pignite, where's my daddy? I want my daddy!"

"Your dad left you because you weren't a good enough son. The sooner you learn that, the better," said Clefairy.

Pichu scowled at her. "Don't worry, little guy! Your dad went off to Snowhead to fight the evil monster! I'll go and find him for you!"

The Darumaka gave a hiccup. "You will?"

"You will?" asked Clefairy.

"Sure, why not? He can't have gone too far."

––

"…Well, this might be an issue," said Pichu as he and Clefairy beheld the elder, an extremely wizened old Heatmor, flash frozen in a chunk of ice atop the frozen lake.

"Boy, it's too bad we didn't bring any more of that hot spring water," said Clefairy. "Now how are we supposed to thaw him out?"

"You mean besides me using one of my Fire attacks?"

"Right. Besides that."

"Ohohoho! Why, look who it is!" came a voice from above their heads. They both looked up and groaned as they saw Trubbish floating up in the air, suspended by another big red balloon.

"You cannot fool me, fairy boy! I know it's you! I always recognize my own kind," he boasted. "You remember me, don't you?"

"Unfortunately, yes."

"I couldn't help but overhear your predicament!" said Trubbish, deflating his balloon and landing in front of them. "And you are in luck, my fairy friend! For there is another hot spring right here on this island!" He pointed to one of the large mounds of land rising out of the frozen lake.

Pichu peered up at it. "Really? Wow, thanks a ton."

"But of course! Now, in return, won't you buy a map from me as a sign of our eternal friendship?"

"I have a better idea," said Pichu, grabbing one of the albino Mightyenas who were prowling around and hurling it at him.

"THANK YOU SIR, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER!" Trubbish shrieked as the Mightyena chased him away.


	15. A Lethal Lullaby

**A/N: **Since my compy is in the shop this week, I had to write this from our desktop in the basement that keeps freezing up *rageface*

––

Pichu and Clefairy retrieved some additional hot spring water from the island, dumping it on top of the old Heatmor and causing the ice to melt around him.

"Huh… wha… what's going on? Where am I?" he croaked out, looking around blearily. "Ugh… I knew I should've stopped after the third bottle of tequila…"

"Is is just me, or does everyone around here assume they're hung over when they get thawed out?" asked Pichu.

"I suppose when you live in a craphole like this, there's not much else to do," said Clefairy.

"What in the – " Heatmor suddenly noticed Pichu for the first time. "Are you… you're Pignite! But… you're supposed to be dead! Am I hallucinating?"

"I don't suppose you'd pay any attention to me if I told you I'm just a Pichu who looks like Pignite, would you?"

"Could you truly have returned from the dead? Maybe this is also the doing of Snowhead's magic power… no! It can't be! You are just an illusion here to torment me!"

"Didn't think so."

"Look, Wrinkly Joe, we're having a situation back in the village," Clefairy cut in. "Your son is throwing a tantrum because you ditched him to go off on this suicide mission, like the loving and responsible parental figure you aren't."

Heatmor turned to her in surprise. "Whazzat? My son is crying because he misses me?"

"That's what I said. Seriously, what were you thinking? If Pignite couldn't defeat that demon, what made you think you stood a chance?"

"Well, I _was _drunk at the time."

"That would explain it…"

"Hey, is that little kid really your _son?_" asked Pichu, suddenly wearing a weirded-out expression. "But he's just a baby, and you're like a gajillion years old!"

"Oh yes, about that… you see, our village was blown up by aliens just a few years ago. The Fire-types were decimated and we were in dangerous need of repopulation… I did many desperate things that day. Thirty-nine, to be precise."

"I'm suddenly starting to miss the swamp."

"But the _real _Pignite would have known this, which means you must truly be a figment of my imagination," Heatmor said accusingly. "Bah… I no longer care. Whatever you may be, if you care at all for my crying son, then please play him this song that I used to sing him to sleep with. It is the very same melody that was played for you when you were young…"

He then suddenly pulled out a small drum from somewhere Pichu didn't care to dwell on. Realizing he was about to learn a new song, Pichu pulled out his Pokéflute, only to cry out in surprise as it started transforming into a new instrument again. This time it became something that better fit his Pignite form, which happened to be a set of five wooden drums he was wearing around his neck.

"…Where did the strap come from?"

Heatmor placed his drum on the ice. "The song goes like this." He played three notes, only to pause and look confused. "Um… wait, how does this song go? Let me play it again." He played the same three notes but got stuck in the same place. He tried several more times but couldn't seem to remember any further.

"It's no good! I can remember only the beginning," he lamented.

"Well, thanks for that waste of time. This just proves my theory that old people are useless and also smelly," Clefairy said impatiently.

"Y'know, whenever I forget something, my fairy companions tend to smack me in the head to get me to remember it. Maybe this'll help!" Pichu said helpfully. He wound up his mighty fist and smacked Heatmor right in the head, instantly shattering his skull and sending him facefirst onto the ice where he lay motionlessly.

"I probably could have planned that better."

––

**Night of the Second Day  
>-36 Hours Remain-<strong>

"Well, I killed the elder, so the good news is I probably can't screw up any worse," Pichu said as they returned to the village.

"I highly doubt that."

They re-entered the Goron Shrine, only to hear Darumaka was still crying and the other Fire-types were still futilely covering their ears and suffering under the noise. Thankfully Pichu now had a way to rectify this. Possibly.

"Pichu, you only know the beginning of the song. Are you sure this is going to work?" asked Clefairy.

"When am I ever sure about anything? You know sometimes I even forget my name," Pichu said completely cheerfully. "Anyway, if it doesn't work, I can just beat him unconscious with my drums."

"I can see this new form of yours is going to open up a world of possibilities."

Darumaka was still bawling away as Pichu and Clefairy arrived at the top floor and approached him. "I want my daddy! Pignite, did you find my daddy?"

"…Yup, I sure did. Anyway, he wanted me to play you this song," said Pichu, getting out his drums and playing the Lullaby Intro.

Darumaka instantly calmed down and stopped crying. "Th-that… that's the song Daddy always plays for me before I go to sleep. I'll sing the next part." He stood up on his chair and sang the complete Goron Lullaby to Pichu.

Clefairy glared at him. "If you knew the whole song, why didn't you just sing it to yourself?"

Pichu was annoyed for a different reason. "How can I tell what notes I'm supposed to play if you're just singing them? I CAN'T USE THESE THINGS TOGETHER!" he shouted, banging his head on his drums in frustration. And wouldn't you know, he ended up playing the song perfectly!

Darumaka suddenly grew drowsy from hearing the completed song. "It's just like… Daddy's… right… beside me…" he sighed, his eyelids drooping. Then he curled up into a ball and plopped down on the chair, fast asleep.

"…And why did he only fall asleep after _you _played it?" Clefairy demanded.

"Oh, who cares? The kid finally shut up and I learned a new song! Now we can – woah," said Pichu as he turned around and realized every Fire-type within hearing range had also fallen asleep.

Pichu immediately grew an excited grin. "Dude… I just made everybody in here fall asleep! Do you _realize _what I can do with this kind of power?"

"Something _besides _looting the place and breaking everything?" Clefairy asked wearily.

"You obviously don't know me very well! WEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Pichu cheered as he raced off to loot the place and break everything. He even ended up shattering the huge clay chandelier hanging from the ceiling, which caused a big chunk of rock that strangely resembled a slab of meat to come falling out of one of the dishes and hit him on the head, knocking him unconscious.

"I believe this is a sign that it's time to carry on with our quest," said Clefairy.

––

The path to Snowhead happened to begin at the Mountain Village, so Pichu and Clefairy backtracked all the way there yet again. As they arrived there, however, they suddenly noticed somebody they hadn't seen before.

"Hey! You two! Look up here!" came a voice from above their heads. They looked up and saw a Monferno standing on top of a tall rocky ledge, hugging himself and shivering in the cold, as well as wearing a strange mask on his head that resembled a Politoed.

"I'm sorry to bother the two of you, but I am very hungry right now," he said weakly. "There's no food around here… and it's so cold, I don't think I'm going to make it…"

"Should I even bother asking why you're standing up there on that ledge?" asked Clefairy.

The Monferno plopped down on the ledge, looking completely drained. "Ohhh… I just want to eat one more thing before I die… something tough that's hard to chew. Don't you two have any food?"

"Here, eat this rock!" Pichu said cheerfully, holding up the meat-shaped chunk of rock that he'd brought along for some reason probably only he understood.

Clefairy glared at him. "What the hell are you doing? That guy is starving and you want him to eat a _rock?_"

"Well yeah! I eat rocks all the time!"

"And yet I'm not surprised somehow."

The Monferno surprisingly perked up the instant he saw the rock. "Is that… it is!" he gasped. "That is finest quality rock sirloin!"

"…Rock _what?_" Clefairy said flatly.

"Hurry, throw that up here!" he shouted, and Pichu did like he asked and hurled the rock up to the weird little monkey. He cheered and started scarfing the rock down while Clefairy watched the whole thing with a twitchy eye.

"Thank you so much! Okay, I'm coming down now!" the Monferno said once he was done. He nimbly leapt off the rocky ledge and landed in front of Pichu with no effort at all.

Clefairy stared at him for a long time before she finally snapped. "_YOU MEAN YOU WERE UP THERE STARVING TO DEATH WHEN YOU COULD HAVE JUST COME DOWN HERE WHENEVER YOU FELT LIKE IT? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU PEOPLE?_"

"Don't worry, that's just Clefairy. She's way too smart for her own wellbeing," said Pichu as Clefairy started chewing on her own arm in frustration.

"Ah, I see," said the Monferno. "And you're… hey, you're Pignite! That must be how you knew what my favorite food was!"

"Sure, let's go with that."

"I'm glad to see you, Pignite. Here, you saved me, so you can have this!" The Monferno took off his Politoed mask and gave it to Pichu. "It's Don Gero's Mask! When you wear it you'll look just like Don Gero, conductor of the frog choir."

"Wow. It's as if all my dreams have come true."

––

Once that was done, Pichu and Clefairy were finally able to set off to Snowhead. The path that would take them there wound tightly around the side of the mountain and simply led to a very long drop on the other side. As if that weren't bad enough, the path contained several large gaps that led down into nothing.

"Well, there's wooden ramps on either side of those gaps. I guess you'll just have to do your Pignite thing and roll across," Clefairy decided.

"But I get nauseous when I do that. Can't you just fly me across?"

"Yes, Pichu, I will absolutely fly you across when you are a large pig who weighs over a hundred pounds and is over twice my size."

"Thanks C-Money! You're the best."

Clefairy punched him in the head and forced him to roll across himself. For the next several minutes, the snowy mountain air was filled with the distant sounds of someone shrieking "YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII" very loudly as he flew through the air, causing several random Pokémon to look around in confusion.

As the heroes finally finished that nonsense and arrived at Snowhead, they saw it was some kind of towering icy fortress with spikes coming out of it. The only way to get there was a winding path dropping off into a bottomless pit on either side, and trying to cross it safely was currently out of the question.

"Urgh… this must be the source of the blizzard," Clefairy groaned, shielding herself against the blustery wind blowing snow in their faces and threatening to hurl them off the path. "Pichu, there's something causing all these winds… can't you look and see what it is?"

"Uh, okay…" Pichu looked through the Silph Scope and, for the first time, saw the Pokémon responsible for the blizzard that threatened to destroy Goron Village.

"Dude, that demon thing is a giant invisible Heatran."

"What? How is that possible? Heatrans can't learn Blizzard."

"Yeah, well, it's actually a giant invisible Heatran carrying a giant invisible snow blower."

"**MOO HOO HOO HA HA HA! **MY EGG TIMER SHALL DESTROY ALL YOUR CUCUMBERS, CHILDREN!" the Heatran cackled as he sat on top of the fortress and blew snow in every direction. "FEAR MY PURPLE UNDERGARMENTS OR SUFFER THE WRATH OF MY MIGHTY EIGHT-LEGGED GIRAFARIG WHO LIVES IN THE OCEAN!"

"…I think that guy is not quite in his right mind," Pichu deduced.

"You two would get along famously then. Now hurry up and play that song. If we put him to sleep then we can get through."

Pichu obliged and pulled out his drums, playing the Goron Lullaby. For some reason the sound from his little drums carried all the way through the blizzard and managed to reach the ears of the enormous Heatran, who suddenly grew drowsy the moment he heard it.

"What is… this? My… peanut butter sandwich… glowing box… I am error…" He started swaying dangerously before finally collapsing onto his stomach, falling asleep in an instant, and then rolling off of Snowhead and plummeting into the bottomless pit.

"…Why do I keep accidentally killing people?" Pichu lamented.

"Why are you complaining? You kill people on purpose all the time."

"Yeah, but it's not fun if it's an accident."


	16. Snarking Through Snowhead

**A/N: **Sorry about another superlong break everyone *sadface* This is a very cool dungeon but it is _very _hard to write out.

––

"Boy, that big Heatran sure went down easier than I expected," Pichu remarked as they trudged through the snow toward the Snowhead Temple. "Now as long as I don't have to do any more _rolling_, I'll be golden."

"I'll tell that to the extremely long and winding pathway circling the whole fortress and leading up to the entrance," said Clefairy.

Pichu's heart sank. "I've run out of witty things to say as a coping mechanism."

––

After rolling all the way up to the entrance and subsequently parting with his stomach contents, Pichu entered the temple. As to be expected, it was populated by Ice-type enemies, first and foremost being the Snorunts skittering around the first room.

"Oh no, this temple is full of Ice-types and I'm a big scary Fire-type. What am I going to do?" Pichu said sarcastically, stomping on one of the attacking Snorunts and squashing it. He was instantly swarmed by hundreds of additional Snorunts as they piled on top of him and suffocated him.

"ACK! THEY'RE BITING ME IN UNHAPPY PLACES!" he shrieked as he ran around panicking. Finally he crashed into a wall, and the impact combined with his massive bulk ended up squishing them all.

"That was embarrassing to watch. Now look at this big block. It's gonna take more than _average strength _to move this thing."

"Why did you phrase it like that?"

After pushing the block out of the way they entered another small room. There were three doors, but the one on the left was locked and the one in the middle was frozen in ice. By silent agreement they decided the ice was apparently an insurmountable obstacle for Pichu for some reason, so instead they just went through the door on the right.

"Well, this sucks," Pichu griped as he saw the room on the other side. There was a wooden bridge with a gap in it that he would have to roll across, along with a group of Abomasnows standing on either side of the room and spewing out icy breath.

"Oh Suicune no! Why again with the rolling!" Pichu cried, grabbing his head.

Clefairy rolled her eyes. "Quite whining, fatty. It's not that bad. Just close your eyes and think happy thoughts, like you burning up painfully in the magma."

"That's one of _your _happy thoughts."

"Oh right. Silly me."

Nevertheless, Pichu had no choice but to roll across the bridge and jump the gap. Predictably, he failed epically and plummeted into the magma below.

"**YEEAAUGHAUAAAAAUEEAAAAAGHAAA **hey, a fairy!" he exclaimed, looking up and noticing a green Stray Fairy floating in a bubble encased in stone. "Hey, another fairy!" he said, seeing another one inside a bubble underneath the doorway leading out.

"Aren't you in terrible agony?" Clefairy asked, looking both confused and disappointed.

"Nope! I'm a Fire-type, that makes me immune to fire!"

"Magma isn't fire. It's molten rock, and Fire-types are weak against Rock."

Pichu blinked very slowly.

After rescuing both Stray Fairies and successfully crossing the room on his second try, the two of them walked through the door on the left and into the next room... thus getting their first look at how huge this place really was.

"Woooooooooooooah."

They were standing in an enormous, circular, five-story-high room with at least a dozen different doors leading off every which way. Above their heads were numerous wooden or stone ramps sticking out of the walls and leading to the center of the room, looking suspiciously like something Pichu would have to roll across.

"Can I just quit and go home now?" Pichu whined as he looked up and saw them.

"Listen to yourself. You're disgracing the name of Pignite, whose mighty and heroic deeds we didn't know about until this morning. Do you think _he _would have stood there whining at his problems until they went away?"

"I dunno, but it's worked pretty well for me in the past. Ooh! Maybe I could skip the rest of the temples and just whine Nuzleaf into submission! SPEED RUNNING TACTICS!"

Clefairy punched him in the head. "_Look! _There's a door right across the room you don't even need to roll to get too! Just walk over there!"

"Really? Spiffy!" Pichu said happily as he started walking across the room. Somehow he epically failed at that as well and fell into a pool of magma on the bottom floor, but thanks to his nonsensical immunity to Rock he was able to rescue another Stray Fairy from the magma.

"Well, there's nothing in here. Now what do we do?" Clefairy wondered after they finally walked through the door across the room.

"Maybe we should take this block, and PUSH it somewhere else!" Pichu cheered as he did just that. He was promptly mauled by an albino Mightyena for his horrible joke while an unconcerned Clefairy collected the key he had uncovered.

"See? We're already making progress thanks to my awesomeness!" said Pichu as they backtracked to the room with the locked door and (what else?) unlocked it. No sooner were they in the next room than another albino Mightyena leapt at Pichu and started mauling him again.

"OH COME _ON! _I DIDN'T EVEN MAKE A JOKE THIS TIME!"

"That's what's called stopping the problem before it starts," Clefairy said sagely. Finally Pichu grew weary of this nonsense and unleashed his special Heat Crash move, slamming down on the Mightyena with his body erupted in flames.

"If you keep refusing help it's just gonna get worse for you."

The duo traversed through several more dungeon-crawly puzzle-solvey rooms, finding three additional Stray Fairies along the way. This brought them up to the next floor of the temple, where Pichu rolled across a ramp and jumped across to the other side of the room. Okay, that's a lie. He was too chicken to do it so Clefairy ripped off his Pignite Mask and punted him across.

"Hey, I need that thing!" he cried as he grabbed his mask back. "What if I have to fight bad guys in here?"

"Don't be such a baby. We haven't even seen any bad guys yet."

They walked through a door and a portcullis instantly slammed down behind them.

"And yet I'm still not feeling remorse about this," said Clefairy.

Pichu quickly saw who it was that he would be battling. There were four dark blue tiles in each corner of the room, and suddenly one of them began to glow and a creepy-looking Hypno holding a staff materialized on top of it.

"All right, where's that rape whistle?" Pichu groaned.

"Well well well... a poor lost child has wandered into my lair," the Hypno cackled with a very disturbing glint in his eye.

Pichu's eyes bulged. "I'M NOT A CHILD!" he shrieked in panic, slapping his mask back on and transforming. "See?! I'm a big scary grownup who can punch you in the face!"

"Well, that's disappointing... well, instead of doing whatever it is I was going to do, I'll just kill you! HI-YAH!" the Hypno shouted in a high-pitched voice, waving his staff around before shooting an Ice Beam out of it. Pichu cried out and dodged it just in time as it flash froze the section of the floor where he'd been standing.

"DUDE! What the crap was that sh*t?!" Pichu shouted in rage. He tried to throw a Fire Punch at the Hypno, only for him to vanish before Pichu's eyes and reappear over another tile in the opposite corner of the room.

"Moo hoo ha ha! My extremely basic teleportation shall confound you to no end!" he laughed as he danced around and fired another icy blast at Pichu.

"I wasn't aware Hypnos could learn Ice Beam," Clefairy said dryly.

"Oh, they can't. In case you couldn't tell, this is a magic staff I'm casting this stuff from. I picked it off an old blind man from his garage sale. He said it wasn't for sale, but I just poisoned his tea. That didn't work. I eventually realized that was because I used instant coffee instead of poison. So instead I just chopped his legs off and – "

"Okay shut up, I've stopped caring."

"I'll teach you to respect people who are trying to kill you!" the Hypno snarled, shooting another Ice Beam out of his staff. It hit Pichu straight on, but being a Fire-type he just shook it off like a boss.

"Take _me _on with magic?" Pichu scoffed. "Pancake time! STALAGMITE!"

"I've given up trying to follow your thought patterns," Clefairy sighed as Pichu jumped into the air and flattened the Hypno with a Heat Crash, causing him quite a visible amount of discomfort.

"Two can play at that game! INDIGNATION!" he shouted, casting what was very clearly an Ice Beam. Pichu shrieked and jumped out of the way, causing the attack to hit Clefairy.

"OKAY THAT DOES IT! BOTH OF YOU STOP BEING IDIOTS!" she shrieked, grabbing the Hypno's staff and bashing Pichu over the head with it.

"C-Money! You just attacked the wrong person!"

"No I didn't."

"Give me that!" the Hypno snarled, swiping his staff back and vanishing into thin air. Pichu yelped in shock as a whole bunch of transparent, illusory Hypnos suddenly appeared, scampering back and forth around the room.

"Crap? Which one is the real one?" he cried, trying to keep his eyes on all the copies at once.

"Maybe the one who's standing on that tile and shaking his butt at you," Clefairy said wearily.

Pichu turned to the real one and glared. "How _dare _you taunt the great Pignite!" he roared, grabbing the Hypno off the tile he was standing on and ripping him clean in half.

"What the hell was that?" asked Clefairy.

"...That was me not knowing my own strength."

Fortunately, that very awkward moment was interrupted by a chest magically appearing out of thin air. Pichu eagerly raced over and opened it, finding inside a bright glowing ball of fire that somehow hadn't burned the chest down from the inside.

"Hey, check it out! It's Sacred Fire!" he cheered as he lifted it up. "This is a Fire-type attack that I can only use when I'm a Pichu! Don't ask me why!"

Clefairy looked at him in complete disbelief. "Are you &*?#ing kidding me? You can turn into a _Pignite! _Why on earth do you need a Fire-type attack that only works when you're a Pichu?!"

"Hey, do I tell you how to do _your _job?"

"Even if you did I would ignore you."

––

Back in his mousey form, Pichu returned to the main tower room and looked around in confusion.

"Geez, there's so many doors around here. Where do I even start?" he wondered. "Maybe we should just wander around and look for something."

"That's a terrible idea. This place is huge and you're going to get lost."

"No I'm not! Come on, this can't be _that _hard to do."

––

**Dawn of  
>THE FINAL DAY<br>-24 Hours Remain-**

"You've been at this for three hours and the moon is about to crash!" Clefairy screamed at him some time later. "Just admit that you're lost!"

"Never! Real men don't ask for directions!"

Clefairy finally lost her patience and grabbed Pichu, bashing him against the ice freezing off a door and shattering it. The room beyond was full of Abomasnows and unlit torches, which Pichu indiscriminately took care of by chucking fireballs at everything. This freed another Stray Fairy.

"Hey look, a really _big _conspicuous switch!" said Pichu as they walked into the room he had uncovered. "I bet I hit it and then stuff happens!"

"Pichu, for the love of whatever supreme deity there is in Termina, you don't even know what that switch does! It's probably dangerous! Just stop before you – "

Pichu had already put on his Pignite Mask and slammed down on the switch with a Heat Crash. This caused the whole temple to shake as an enormous pillar came rising out of the center of the main tower room, going all the way up to the top floor.

"Yay! Stuff happened!" Pichu cheered.

Clefairy dejectedly realized she was wrong about something for once. "Is this what you feel like all the time? It's jarring and unpleasant."

Thanks to his newfound power of burning stuff, Pichu was able to return to several of the rooms he'd already visited and melt off the ice blocking his way, thus rescuing two more Stray Fairies. With this goal still in his mind, he ventured up to the second floor of the temple and entered a room he hadn't explored yet.

"My Satanic Mask is reacting really strongly," he realized as his put on his Great Fairy Mask and it started to give off sparkles. "There must be at least two of those little guys in here. C-Money, are there any enemies I should be worried about?"

"Just that really creepy and probably rabid Pachirisu holding an Egg Bomb."

"Wha – "

The Pachirisu started chattering insanely before launching itself at the screaming Pichu. Clefairy nonchalantly exited the room and waited outside as a bunch of shrieking and room-shaking explosions came from behind the door. Several minutes later, a heavily injured Pichu came crawling out and flashed Clefairy a grin that was missing several teeth.

"I gotsted teh fairies!" he cheered weakly as he held them up. Clefairy decided not to tell him that the "fairies" were actually his own ears that had been torn off.

––

After more messing around on the second floor, Pichu found himself in the tower room and staring directly at the huge pillar, which was blocking his way.

"What the crap? Now what am I supposed to do? This big thing's in my way!"

"Yes, that is generally what happens when you make an enormous pillar thing cut through the center of a room."

"That makes me ANGRY!" Pichu roared, slapping on his Pignite Mask and punching out a huge section of the pillar. The rest of the pillar came slamming down with an earth-shaking crash.

"Remind me not to piss you off."

Still unable to progress, Pichu instead ventured up to the third floor only to find he had the exact same problem. Once again he started raging and punched out yet another section of the pillar.

"Seriously, stop doing that. You're freaking me out."

The next room was covered in snow and had a bunch of Glalies floating around, spewing ice at them. Pichu KO'd each one of them with a Fire Punch. The room after that had a duo of ferocious Sceptiles who jumped down and charged at them. Pichu KO'd each one of them with a Fire Punch.

"I enjoy this temple immensely."

That endeavor earned him three more Stray Fairies, meaning he had only one left to find. After crossing over to the other side of the tower room in a rather roundabout way, he walked through a door and had another portcullis slam down behind him.

"Son of a b*tch... do I have to unleash my fists of fury again?"

This room looked like the one where he had battled the Hypno, except there were seven blue tiles instead of four. And wouldn't you know it, a second Hypno suddenly materialized on top of one of the tiles and glared at Pichu.

"Oh COME ON!" Pichu cried when his saw him. "Not you again! I just killed your ass dead!"

"What's that? You killed my twin brother Mikhail?" the Hypno said angrily.

"Uh..."

"Thanks, I really hated him. Bastard cheated at cards. I shall reward you by killing you as well! Moo hoo ha ha!"

"NOTHING IN THIS PLACE MAKES SENSE!" Pichu screamed as he dodged an Ice Beam the Hypno sent flying from his staff. "Okay, I'm _not _going through this crap a second time! RAMPAGING INFERNOOOOOO!"

He leapt in to the air and attempted a Heat Crash, but the Hypno just teleported away from underneath him, leaving him to slam his butt onto the ground and shatter his tailbone.

"...C-Money, I can't feel below my waist."

"And whose problem is that?"

The Hypno cackled as he reappeared across the room and shot another Ice Beam at him, but Pichu dodged it and grimaced before charging right at him. The Hypno's eyes bulged as Pichu body checked the frail wizard and sent him flying to a wall.

"Enough of this nonsense!" he snarled and vanished, and within moments the room was once again filled with illusory Hypnos that were running back and forth. Unfortunately this room was twice as big as the last one and there were even more places where the real Hypno could be standing.

"C-Money, help! My brain hurts!" Pichu cried as he found himself surrounded by transparent Hypnos. The real one shot an Ice Beam at him and hit him in the chest. "And now so does the rest of me!"

"He's up there, dipstick," Clefairy said wearily, pointing at where the Hypno was dancing on top of a ledge in the corner of the room.

"Vengeance is MINE!" Pichu roared as he went charging across the room, only to come to a stop as he realized he was too big and clumsy to climb up on the ledge.

"C-Money, he's two feet above me! HELP!"

"For the love of – " Clefairy grabbed the unsuspecting Hypno and hurled him off the ledge. Pichu broke into an evil grin at his hapless opponent and threw his whole bulk on top of him, breaking his spine.

"Now you're just getting disturbing."

Pichu got up and saw the Hypno wasn't moving. "Yippee! I'm a winner!" He cheered. "That was so cool! I'm kicking ass left and right around here!"

"You were conquered by a two-foot-high ledge," Clefairy reminded him. "Seriously, when are you going to start manning up? Pignite was way cooler and braver than you!"

"That's true, Clefairy. Pignite is also dead, while I am alive."

There was a very long pause. "...You win this round."

"YES! Pichu 1, Clefairy 26!"


	17. Terrakion: He Was Frozen Today

**A/N: **I should really be doing homework right now. Actually, that sentence sums up my life pretty neatly.

––

Pichu was standing on the top floor of the temple, facing the large foreboding door on the other side of the room. Just one rolling jump across the room separated him from the chamber where the boss lurked. Knowing that the fate of the Fire-types rested on him overcoming his fear, he took a deep breath, gathered his courage and -

"Screw that noise!" he shouted. "I made it all this way without having to do any rolling and I'm not about to start now! I'll find some other way over there."

"You do that. I'll be spending my final hours being productive," said Clefairy.

––

"YEEEEAAAAAAAAUGGGGGHHHH!" Pichu hollered as he charged toward the center of the room, hoisting a hugely long pole over his head, and attempted to pole vault across the room. He ended up overshooting his goal by several yards and crashed into the wall above the door.

"Where did that pole come from?" Clefairy wondered.

––

"FASTER! FASTER!" Pichu barked at his collection of Stray Fairies, who were rapidly flapping their wings and struggling to hold him up as they carried him across the room. "BEAT THOSE CHIBI DEFORMED WINGS!"

"You know you'd probably be having a much easier time with that if you weren't in your Pignite form," said Clefairy, who had incidentally just rescued the final Stray Fairy from behind a fake wall.

"Oh shut up! What do you know?"

Eventually his ploy worked and he made it over to the door, but the effort had taken its toll on the fairies.

"Will these guys still bring back the Great Fairy if some of them are dead?"

"Just open the &*?#ing door before I twist your head off."

"Right-o." Non-Pignite Pichu opened up the door and the duo walked on through. They were surprised to find that the room on the other side was a dark, donut-shaped stone chamber, almost as though it were a racetrack of some kind... but what really caught their attention was the Pokémon who was already in there.

"There it is," Clefairy said softly. "That's the monster who's holding the second of the four imprisoned Pokémon... the one who cursed this entire mountain with eternal winter..."

"It's a robot in a block of ice," said Pichu, looking up at the giant mechanical Terrakion who was currently completely frozen and immobilized.

"Quit ruining the ambiance. Now since that thing is frozen, maybe we can avoid a fight altogether. We just have to figure out a way to get that mask off of it."

"I have an idea!" Pichu cheered as he stupidly chucked a Sacred Fire at the frozen robot, causing all the ice to melt and immediately throwing the whole "avoiding a fight" thing out the window.

"SYSTEMS ONLINE..." the Terrakion said in a robotic voice, accompanied by a computer-booting-up noise. "COMMENCE TARGET SCANNING. TARGET IDENTIFIED: PICHU. HA HA HA. WHAT A FATTY."

"OH COME ON! Is NOBODY gonna let that go?!" Pichu shouted.

"MY MASTER HAS DEEMED TARGET PICHU WORTHY OF ERADICATION. COMMENCE OFFENSIVE MANEUVER 6-1A. PREPARE YOURSELF, FATTY." Terrakion suddenly let out a loud metallic roar and came charging at Pichu, who had just enough time for his eyes to bulge before it rammed right into him.

"YEEAEEAGAUGH!" he screamed as he went soaring across the room, crashing into the wall and slumping to the ground. "Okay, maybe next time I won't stand directly in front of that guy." In the meantime, Terrakion had taken off blindly running down the circular tunnel, not paying Pichu any further heed.

"Hey, what the - come back here!" Pichu shouted, taking off after Terrakion. Within moments it had completely lapped him and ran off ahead of him again. "SLOW DOWN YOU ASSHOLE!"

Clefairy watched this in confusion. "What is that thing doing? It's running around in a circle and not even attacking us!"

Terrakion suddenly came to a stop. "AFFIRMATIVE. MY MASTER HAS BEEN VIEWING YOUR PROGRESS AND HAS DETERMINED THAT MY LOWEST DIFFICULTY SETTING SHALL BE SUFFICIENT TO DEFEAT YOU."

Pichu looked extremely offended. "What the hell is _that _supposed to mean?! I'll teach that guy who I don't even know who you're talking about!"

He ran shrieking up to the giant robot and tackled it. To reiterate, he rammed his head against a giant hunk of metal. I probably don't need to tell you how that turned out.

"Pichu, I don't know if you noticed, but you're being even more useless now than you normally are. You have to turn into Pignite!" Clefairy shouted at him as Terrakion took off running again.

Pichu sat up and looked irritated. "All right, fine! You've just unleashed the storm, buddy! Prepare yourself against the incomparable fury of PIGNITE!"

Unfortunately in his haste he grabbed the wrong porcine mask and ended up slapping on the Mask of Scents instead.

"MWA HA HA! I can smell my inevitable victory! ...Wait, what the - AAAACK!" he screamed as Terrakion came running up from behind him, sending him careening into the wall again and continuing to run off without even slowing down.

"Now I smell something else... I think it's my organs shutting down."

"Do I honestly have to do _everything _around here?" Clefairy snapped, hauling him to his feet and shoving the Pignite Mask on his face. "Now hurry up and go after that thing!"

"But it's running too fast!" Pichu cried. "The only way I could catch up is by..."

As it dawned on him, a horrified look crossed his face... but then it was slowly replaced by a determined frown.

"Okay, fine. If that's the way it has to be, then I won't try to fight my destiny. It's time... to ROLL!"

He whipped out a boombox and pressed a button, and it started playing the Rocky theme.

"YEAH!" he bellowed, getting all psyched up before curling into a ball and using Rollout, taking off after Terrakion. Clefairy watched in astonishment as he started rolling faster and faster, the friction generating a corona of flames that surrounded his body, and then suddenly -

"**WAAAAUUUUEEAAAAAAYYYYAEEEEEA AAAAGH!**" he shrieked as a bunch of enormous spikes erupted out of his body, launching him forward at lightning speed. He swerved around crazily and repeatedly crashed into the walls on either side of the track. "**NOBODY TOLD ME THIS WOULD HAPPEN!**"

Terrakion glanced behind itself as it ran just in time to see a huge spiky ball rapidly approaching it. "NOT POSSIBLE. OBSERVED ATTACK PATTERN DOES NOT EXIST IN MY DATA BANKS."

"DATA BANK _THIS!_" screamed Pichu, which made absolutely no sense. Anyway, he crashed headlong into Terrakion, causing the robot to bellow in pain (apparently it could feel pain?) and knocking it to the ground as it was mowed over by the spiky Pignite.

"HOT DOG!" Pichu cheered as he uncurled himself. "Didja see that, Clefairy?"

"I'm on the other side of the room," she called over from where she was sitting and filling out a crossword puzzle.

Meanwhile Terrakion got back to its feet. "REASSESSING TARGET THREAT. ADVANCE DIFFICULTY LEVEL." It then blasted Pichu with a Thunderbolt at point-blank range, sending him flying backwards.

"WHAT THE CRAP?! How can that thing use Thunderbolt?!" Pichu cried as his mechanical foe took off yet again.

"Because it's a robot?" said Clefairy.

"_THAT ONLY RAISES MORE QUESTIONS!_"

Nevertheless, he wasted no time rolling after Terrakion again, wildly swerving out of the way whenever it tried to send another Thunderbolt back at him. Finally he caught up and the two of them began ramming into each other, Pichu repeatedly sideswiping his foe with his massive spikes as they raced alongside each other.

"TARGET HAS APPROACHED CRITICAL ANNOYANCE LEVEL. KINDLY PISS OFF," said Terrakion, body checking Pichu into a wall and running off, then generating a bomb from somewhere and kicking it back at him as an afterthought.

Pichu stared at it. "Son of a - YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" he screamed as the bomb went off and the explosion sent him hurtling through the air. What no one saw coming, though, was that he was sent flying right over the still-running Terrakion, landing roughly on its back.

"MWA HA HA! The tides have turned now, my friend! And I don't mean because of the moon that's about to kill us all!" Pichu laughed as he started repeatedly punching Terrakion in the head with his mighty fists. Unfortunately the masked mechanical monster wasted no time in bucking Pichu off of itself, leaving him to grab onto its leg as he was dragged across the floor.

"OW! OW! OW! I HATE YOU SO MUCH!"

Clefairy was still leaning against the wall and filling out her crossword puzzle. "Hey Pichu, what's a four-letter word for 'defecate'?"

"_SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIT!_" Pichu shrieked as Terrakion ran past her, dragging him along behind it.

"I think that was more than four letters."

Finally Pichu was thrown clear off of Terrakion, leaving him sprawled in the middle of the floor and groaning in pain.

"Oww..." he tried to drag himself to his feet. "Okay, no big deal... I just have to catch up to that guy one more time and finish him off... all he does is run away anyway..."

"Pichu, _look out!_" Clefairy shouted as Terrakion had circled all the way around the room, charging up behind him at full speed.

"Oh crap. I forgot about that."

His mind frantically began to race, and finally he got an idea. Just as Terrakion was advancing on him to deliver the fatal blow, Pichu whipped around and shrieked "THIS SENTENCE IS A LIE!"

The effect was instantaneous. "ERROR... ERROR... 404... CANNOT LOCATE SERVER..." Terrakion droned in a loud voice, jerking to a stop and twitching and spazzing in place as it started shooting off a bunch of sparks. Finally it started spouting nonsensical gibberish and went racing right past Pichu.

"Man, I can't believe I didn't think of that sooner!" Pichu chuckled.

"I can," Clefairy grumbled.

Having lost all control, Terrakion continued going berserk as it went blindly charging ahead with smoke and sparks flying from its body, until finally it crashed headlong into the wall. This caused the wall to collapse as a bunch of rocks fell on top of the defeated robot, crushing and completely burying it.

Pichu approached the huge pile of rocks and looked up at it with a satisfied expression. "Looks like Terrakion just got..." He put on a pair of sunglasses. "...rocked and rolled."

––

"_**YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!**_" came a deafening scream that could be heard all throughout the snowy mountain. The sheer volume of it caused a tremendous avalanche that killed several dozen people.

––

Pichu immediately seized Terrakion's remains (namely the mask it had worn on its face), though since it was buried under the rock it was a little unclear how he did that. Anyhoo, he and Clefairy were immediately teleported away after that, and as the light died away around them they were shocked to find themselves in the same misty, bubbly realm they'd been in once before. Once again there was a giant Pokémon, presumably the one they'd just freed, standing far off in the distance and gazing down at them. This one happened to be a Regice.

"So what exactly are you guys, anyway?" asked Clefairy. "I mean the first one was a big chunk of rock and you're a big chunk of ice. I don't imagine that's a big hit with the ladies."

In response, the Regice let out a low wail that Clefairy was somehow able to translate. "Guar...di...ans... guardians? So you're protective gods? Well geez, you're pretty sucky protective gods if you got yourselves captured by some douchebag wearing a mask. No wonder Termina is such a craphole."

The Regice let out another wail that Clefairy translated again. "Piss... off? Yeah, same to you, buddy."

"C-Money, I don't think you're helping," Pichu (who was no longer a Pignite) said timidly, but that was all they got to do before everything started to glow and they were transported away from the mysterious realm.

––

**Night of the Final Day  
>-12 Hours Remain-<strong>

Pichu and Clefairy found themselves back in the Mountain Village, but they were shocked to find that the cruel winter that had imprisoned the mountain was finally over. The snow was melting away before their eyes, the pond was unfrozen, the grass was growing and the beautiful springtime mountain flowers were blooming all around... and the moon was about to crush them. Sort of put a damper on things.

"Wooooah... we did it!" Pichu cheered. "We freed the second Pokémon and brought the mountain back to normal! Time to go reap the benefits!"

"Yeah, you're right. We'd better go check on the Fire-types and make sure they're all okay. I'm sure they'll be glad to know that you spared them all from a frozen death, so they can go on to be crushed by a big rock."

"I have a better idea."

––

"Hey asshole!" he shouted as he kicked open the door to the Mountain Smithy. "I killed a bunch of guys and melted all the snow! So make my leaf pointy right now!"

"Man that sounded wrong," Clefairy groaned.

Timburr had been lounging on the couch instead of looking for shelter like a sensible person, and as he saw Pichu he sat up in surprise. "Oh? Well you're right, it seems the winter around here has finally ended, which means the hearth should be up and running again... but the thing is, it takes us a minimum of two days to reforge a weapon."

Pichu glanced out the window at the fast-approaching moon. "Make it six hours."

"Uh, I don't think you understand - "

"I'll give you five Rupees!"

"...Listen. You're obviously not very bright, so I'll spell it out for you. Unless you have some magical way of going back in time and ending the winter two days _sooner_ than this, I'm afraid you're out of luck. Oh, and you're also going to die."

"Oh, is that all? No problem!" Pichu said brightly, whipping out the Pokéflute of Time and playing the Song of Time without a second thought. He and Clefairy were promptly ripped from reality and went hurtling back through time, vanishing into the great white void.

Timburr stood blinking very slowly. "...What just happened here?"

"UGOH! UGO UG-UGOH!" Conkeldurr roared in happy excitement, waving his arms around.

Timburr glared at him and hurled his plank at his head. "Oh _shut up_, ya big lug! Did that thing _look _like a police box to you?"

––

**A/N: **All riiiight! Next time, the intermission/side quest chapters begin! w00t w00t!


	18. This Will Pay Off Later

**A/N: **Finally time for another update! Good to see we all survived the _real _end of the world! XD

Aaaand in this chapter, your authoress tries to cram in three different side quests at once! Let's see how flawlessly this goes.

––

**Dawn of  
>THE FIRST DAY<br>-72 Hours Remain-**

Pichu and Clefairy arrived in the middle of Clock Town yet again, but this time Pichu had a determined frown on his face.

"All right, I'm ready for that little asshat this time!" he declared, turning to face the Lillipup who was already charging toward him. "You're goin' down, punk! HAVE AT THEE!"

He shrieked and threw himself at the Lillipup, the two of them flying into a fight in the middle of the street. Pichu lost in a matter of seconds.

"Y'know, that dog might be kind of dangerous to other people. We should probably go tell the mayor about it," said Clefairy. The Lillipup had bit down on Pichu by his ear and was running back and forth, dragging the screaming Hero of Time along behind it. "In a few minutes."

––

So they went to the mayor's office in East Clock Town, but as you recall, it was at this time that the mayor was stuck in the argument between Bibarel and Furret. Pichu and Clefairy decided the next best thing to do would be to talk to the mayor's wife about it.

"Oh, my! Pardon me sir, but are you by any chance the expert person-finder I hired?" asked Madame Jynx as the two of them walked into her room.

"Uh... I can't remember. Am I, C-Money?"

"Don't be ridiculous. Lady, you got the wrong guy. This kid couldn't even find _himself _if he were trapped alone in a small cardboard box. And that's not a hyperbole, that happened once."

"Oh, well... that's a shame," sighed Madame Jynx before her eyes fell on Clefairy. "Oh! Then _you _must be the one I hired!"

"Uh, what - "

"Splendid! The person I want you to locate is my son Riolu. He disappeared about a month ago and no one has been able to find him... I'm ever so worried about him."

"Maybe he did the smart thing and fled the country, unlike the rest of you guys who seem content to wait out your horrific crushing death from above."

"Why you - how dare you make jokes at a time like this! I am the mayor's wife, and this government is an extremely serious establishment!" Jynx snapped. Suddenly Furret came crashing through the wall, flew across the room and crashed through the opposite wall, having been thrown by Bibarel who went chasing after him while screaming threats at the top of his lungs. "Anyway, I've been so worried about Riolu that I can't even get food down my throat anymore... but instead of looking for my son myself, I'm having you two, a couple of morally dubious strangers I've never met before, do it for me. You can use this mask!"

She pulled out a Riolu Mask and shoved it into Pichu's hands. "That masks looks just like him, so wear it to ask around if anyone's seen him."

"You mean your real son has holes for eyes too?"

"Don't get cheeky, boy. Now hurry up and find him!" When Pichu and Clefairy just stood there dumbly, Jynx's pleasant smile instantly turned furious. "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! I SAID GO FIND HIM!" she bellowed, grabbing them both and drop kicking them into the middle of the street before slamming the door behind them.

"...I have no idea what just happened," said Clefairy.

"Weren't we going in there to ask about the Lillipup?" asked Pichu.

––

At any rate, the two of them weren't about to waste their time looking around for a person they'd never even heard about before. Recalling his original task to bring spring to the mountains _before _it was too late to do any good, Pichu used the Song of Soaring to warp straight to the Snowhead Temple, bypassing all the time-consuming crap they'd had to do before.

"You'll have to recollect all the Stray Fairies too, seeing how you conveniently forgot to drop them off last time," said Clefairy.

"Well, it's just as well. They were mostly dead, through no fault whatsoever of my own. Also, I think two of them may have been my ears."

After quickly finding all the Stray Fairies, Pichu headed straight to the boss chamber and found Terrakion frozen in a chunk of ice, just like before.

"So all we need to do to beat this guy is give it a logical paradox. I've got this one in the bag," Clefairy said slyly to herself as Pichu melted the ice and freed the mechanical monster.

"SYSTEMS ONLINE... COMMENCE TARGET SCANNING... TARGET - "

"PICHU IS THE SMARTEST GUY IN ALL OF TERMINA!" Clefairy shouted at the top of her lungs. Terrakion promptly exploded.

"I truly loathe you," Pichu muttered while Clefairy gave him a smug grin.

––

On their way out of the temple they stopped by the Great Fairy Fountain, which was hidden in the side of the mountain that held the icy fortress. As they walked in, all of Pichu's Stray Fairies squealed in delight and flew away from him, joining with the other Stray Fairies in the fountain and reforming into another Clefable.

"Welcome Pichu!" she cried. "And thank you for restoring me to normal. I am the Great Fairy of Wisdom!"

"Really? Huh. Well if you're so wise can you explain to me why all you Great Fairies look like something out of Termina's red light district?"

"...As I was saying, I'm going to reward you with a spell that will double the PP of all your moves. Now you will be able to attack for twice as long!"

"Hmm... on the one hand, I have literally never once run into any sort of problem where this would come in handy... on the other hand, it's free stuff. Gimme gimme gimme."

As Pichu and Clefairy returned from Snowhead after that business, the duo was delighted to find that spring had been returned to the mountains yet again, this time without the huge ass moon to ruin the mood. They journeyed back to the Goron Village and saw all the snow that had buried the place was melted, the Fire-types frolicking around in celebration.

"Oh, Pignite! There you are! We've all been waiting for you!" cried the not dead Heatmor as Pichu walked into the Goron Shrine, as he'd decided to put on his Pignite Mask before going to meet the Fire-types. "We'd heard rumors that you'd been spotted entering Snowhead to seal off the blizzard, and it seems they were true!"

"Which is weird because you already went to Snowhead once and got killed, but who cares!" cheered Camerupt. "The greatest Fire-type hero of them all? That's - "

"_Pignite!_" cheered all the Fire-types.

"The immortal warrior who is not dead, even if he has died? That's - "

"_Pignite!_"

"Aw shucks, you guys are too much. Although, I just so happened to prepare a speech for the occasion!" Pichu pulled out a piece of paper. "I'd like to thank the Academy - "

Clefairy kicked him in the shin and caused him to keel over as Heatmor went on. "Pignite, greatest of the Fire-types... it is time for I, the tribal patriarch, to pass my seat onto someone younger and with less crippling arthritis. And of course, I have chosen you! There can be no other!"

Clefairy jerked her head up. "You want _this _guy to lead all of you?" she cried. "Well, the world is ending in just under three days, so I suppose the end result would be the same..."

"But there's no need to make a hasty decision. Now that spring has come, you should go attend the races with my son!" said Heatmor. "...Or at least that's what I would suggest, but apparently there's a large boulder blocking off the entrance to the racetrack. You would need an extremely powerful explosive to remove it."

"Hmm... well, I don't have any beans on me..." Pichu thought for a moment before snapping his fingers. "_Aha!_"

––

"Now, you're _positive _you know how to handle that thing?" asked the Magmortar who ran the village Powder Keg shop as Pichu came walking out.

"Of course I do! I'm the great Pignite!" boasted Pichu, slinging an enormous Powder Keg over his shoulder. "I just chuck this thing at whatever I want to die, and _bam!_"

He punctuated his sentence with a burst of fire breath, which accidentally caused the wick to ignite. "...Oh, crap."

––

"_YEEEEAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGHHHHH!_" Pichu shrieked, racing across the bridges that spanned the lake as fast as he could go while holding the Powder Keg with the rapidly-shrinking wick over his head. "I'MGONNADIEI'MGONNADIEI'MGONNADIEI'MGONNADIE!"

"The hero of the Fire-types, ladies and gentlemen," said Clefairy.

"Who are you talking to?" asked a Mightyena who'd been loafing around.

"Nobody. Snarking is just all that gets me through the day anymore."

Still screaming at the top of his lungs, Pichu finally made it across the lake and raced up a slope that led to the large boulder blocking off the racetrack, then hurled the Powder Keg with all his might. There was a tremendous explosion that blew apart the boulder and injured several innocent bystanders, if the pained screams of "MY LEG!" coming from the racetrack were any indication.

"Woah, Pignite! That was so cool!" cheered Darumaka, who'd been hit in the head with a large chunk of rock at point-blank range but seemed unfazed. "You're gonna join the races, aren't you? You have to! Everybody wants to see how the great Pignite races!"

"Eh, might as well. The world deserves to see more of my awesomeness."

"Pichu, did you even _come _here with a plan of what to do, or do you just do whatever random people tell you to do?" asked Clefairy.

"Pretty much the latter. I have no idea what to do anymore so I just wait around until the plot throws itself at me."

Before long, Pichu had entered the racetrack and was standing at the starting line along with four other racers, an Arcanine, a Houndoom, a Quilava and a Darmanitan, as a large group of spectators stood back and cheered the competitors on.

"These guys don't stand a chance against me!" Pichu boasted. "They won't even know what hit 'em! I'll just bust out some of that rolling action and then - "

"Pichu, the starting signal just went off."

"Oh, bugger." Pichu immediately dropped into a roll and desperately tried to catch up with the other racers who were already well ahead of him. Unfortunately even after he caught up he just got knocked back and forth by the others, who were obviously much more adept at racing than he was, and was repeatedly sent careening out of control and crashing into the wall on either side of the track.

"OW! Stop that - OW! You stupid - OW! That doesn't - OW!"

"...Pignite's not doing as good as I remember," said Darumaka.

"You tend to be out of form after you've been dead," Clefairy said sagely.

Finally Pichu made it all the way to a wooden bridge running high over the lower portion of the racetrack, but he'd only made it halfway across when the Darmanitan came thundering up from behind him, crashing into him and sending him plummeting all the way back down to the ground.

He groaned and sat up. "WHAT?! Oh COME ON!" he roared, punching the stone wall in frustration with all his might. Unfortunately since he was a Pignite that was a lot of might indeed, causing an enormous crack to splinter up the wall before the whole thing finally split apart and came crashing to the ground. The other racers had been running across it at that very moment, and they all screamed as they were sent falling to the ground and buried under the mountain of rubble.

"...No one saw that."

_Some time later..._

"Well Pignite, as you're the only surviving racer, it appears you win by default. It is my honor to present you with this!" said the Torkoal announcer, giving him a glass bottle full of Gold Dust. "And now I must kindly ask you to leave and never come back. You're scaring away the spectators."

Once all that nonsense was taken care of, Pichu eventually remembered the reason he'd actually returned to the mountains in the first place. Returning to the Mountain Village as a Pichu, he kicked open the door to the Mountain Smithy yet again.

"Hey dudes, long time no see! Although I suppose for you it's _forever _no see! Hahahaha! Get it?"

"Truly your humor and subtlety knows no equal," said Clefairy.

From where Timburr had been lounging on the couch, he suddenly noticed Pichu and sat up in interest. "Hmm... say, is that Gold Dust you have on you?" asked, somehow magically able to see Pichu's inventory. "That is some high quality stuff! If you like I can use that together with your Leaf Blade and forge it into something much stronger!"

Clefairy frowned. "What? But gold is one of the softest metals there are. Why would a golden version of something be _stronger?_"

"I feel like that joke has already been made once somewhere," said Pichu. "But I stopped questioning stuff long ago. You got it, bucko!"

"Excellent. It'll take two days to reforge your weapon, though. Come back for it then."

Pichu raised an eyebrow. "Make it six hours."

"UGO-UGH! UG-UG-UGOR UGOH!" Conkeldurr roared at him, hurling one of his concrete pillars at him. Pichu yelped and ducked out of the way as it crashed through the wall behind him.

"Two days it is then."

"Pichu, much as I hate to acknowledge it, you realize _you're _currently the one in charge of saving the world here," Clefairy reminded him as they left. "You really think it's wise to go for two days without your main weapon?"

"Aw come on, it's not like I'm going into any dungeons or anything. What could I possibly need it for?"

––

High above the earth, an enormous disc-shaped ship full of blinking lights and humming machines floated through the darkness of space. As Pichu spoke his words, something within the ship suddenly began to stir.

"_At last, the anomalous time-traveling one has abandoned his weapon. The fool has left the ranch utterly defenseless,_" droned a creepy, synthetic-sounding voice. "_Alert the swarm, George. We invade tonight._"

"_My name is Dominic._"

"_Shut up George, no it isn't._"

––

"Well, now we pretty much have two and a half days to do whatever we want," Pichu said brightly some time later. They had left the mountains and were now wandering through Termina Field. "I dunno about you, but I feel like a nap. How many days have we technically gone without sleep now?"

"I try not to dwell on that for too long..."

"Hey, look down here!"

Pichu had turned and gone racing down a wide road to the southwest that they hadn't explored yet. "We haven't been down here yet! Where does this place go?"

"This road leads to Romani Ranch, which is famous for its high-quality milk that it ships over to Clock Town. So naturally, this road is called Whiskey Road."

"Oh... wait, wouldn't it make more sense to call it Milk Road?"

"No. Stop talking like an idiot again."

So they walked down Whiskey Road, which was fit snugly between Wine Cooler Road and Gin & Tonic Road, only to arrive at an enormous boulder blocking off the entrance to the ranch. A Bidoof was standing in front of the rock and looking ready to try breaking it.

"Some hooligans thought it was a good idea to play a prank and block off the road to Romani Ranch," the Bidoof grunted. "Which seems like it was more trouble than it's worth since this boulder easily weighs several hundred pounds, but whatever. I'll get to work removing it."

"Oh, that's no problem! I'll just explodify it!" Pichu said brightly, slapping on his Pignite Mask and somehow not fazing the Bidoof as he transformed. "I've got a Powder Keg with me for just such an occasion!"

"Uh, but wait, I know Rock Smash - "

"Too late!" Pichu cackled, hurling the Powder Keg and engulfing Whiskey Road in an enormous explosion that blew apart the boulder and sent most people running away and screaming something about terrorists.

"I hear Labrynna is nice this time of year," the Bidoof sighed wearily.

Pichu and Clefairy walked into Romani Ranch and got a look around. It was mostly just a wide open field with a several trees, fences, and a farmhouse and barn on the far end. However, penned up behind a fence just outside the farmhouse was someone Pichu had not been expecting to see at all...

"Hey Pichu... look!" Clefairy gasped, pointing over at the farmhouse. "Isn't that your _horse?_"

Epona had been grazing quite happily inside her little pen, when suddenly as she heard Clefairy her head shot up and her pupils shrank to the size of pin heads. "No... no, it can't be..."

"_Epona!_" Pichu cheered, racing over to her. "I can't believe it! Look, it's me, Pichu!"

"NO-HO-HO-HOOOOO!" Epona wailed, dropping onto her back and rolling around as her legs flailed in the air. "I WAS FREE OF YOU ONCE AND FOR ALL YOU DUMBASS! HOW IN RAIKOU'S NAME DID YOU FIND ME HERE?! WHY HAVE THE FATES CONSPIRED AGAINST ME?!"

"She looks thrilled to see you," Clefairy said flatly as she and Pichu stood in front of the pen and watched all this.

"Oh, that's just her own way of showing affection," Pichu said brightly. "She does stuff like that. Sometimes she throws me around and tries to gore me. Kind of painful in a bone-crushing sort of way." He walked up and put his hands around the bars of the fence. "Epona, whoever's keeping you here isn't your real owner! Don't you want to go free?"

"_No, _you moron!" Epona snapped as she rolled back over onto her knees. "I've been living the high life over here! Sure my pen's pretty small, and sure the kid who lives here is batsh*t crazy and goes around shooting things and rambling on about the Freemasons and Illuminati, but that's _paradise _compared to you!"

"Uh, what kid?" asked Clefairy.

"Hey, who are you guys?" came a voice from behind them, and Pichu turned around and was greeted by his second big surprise.

"**WOAH! **Uhh, I mean... hi, Igglybuff..."

"What, you know her too?" Clefairy said impatiently as Pichu stared in shock at the Igglybuff regarding him with a curious expression.

"Hmm... nope, Igglybuff would definitely remember seeing you before," she said brightly. "Welcome to Romani Ranch! Who're you guys?"

"I'm Clefairy, the long-suffering," said Clefairy.

"Hargbgewafegasfesgrshdfag..." Pichu stammered.

"Nice to meet you, Hargbgewafegasfesgrshdfag. Hmm... Igglybuff is gonna call you Scyther! See, you've got a lot of green color, and with a name that cool people might get distracted from how derpy you look, so Scyther it is!"

"Why not. He's already been called Snivy and Pignite, isn't that right Pichu?"

"...What just happened? Where am I?"

"My name's Igglybuff. Oh, sorry! You probably wondered what I was doing just now." Pichu and Clefairy saw that she had her own handful of Razor Leaves that she'd been throwing around. "Igglybuff was practicing, you see... for tonight... _they _are coming."

"OH SUICUNE NO, NOT _THEM!_" Pichu shrieked in horror, burying his head in the ground.

"...Who's 'they'?" Clefairy asked flatly.

Igglybuff suddenly grew a deathly serious look. "They... they come at night, every year when the carnival approaches," she said darkly. "They come riding in a bright, shining ball... and then they come to the barn, and they abduct all of our cows! My sister doesn't believe me, but I know it's true!"

Clefairy stared at her. "So, what, they're aliens?"

"No, silly! They are... the FREEMASONS!" Igglybuff shouted, and a random clap of thunder suddenly tore up the sky. "Igglybuff knows they have been spying on us, watching our every move! And now they plan on stealing our cows in order to further their ancient conspiracy! They must be stopped!"

"...You're not quite right in the head, are you? Hey Pichu, you should ask this girl out. You two are on the same wavelength."

"Yeah, about that..."

"Hey, Scyther! Igglybuff is recruiting for an assistant right now. Do you want to help take down the Freemasons when they attack tonight? You can ride on Captain Skullcrusher!"

"I assume you mean Epona. Uh... I guess I can do that. I don't predict having to meet up with anyone else at a very specific time tonight in order to carry out an equally important side quest."

"Perfect! Why don't two you go practice?" Igglybuff shoved him over to Epona. "Igglybuff has a bunch of balloons set up around the ranch, so see if you can pop all of them with Razor Leaves on horseback."

"Just one problem with that," Clefairy cut in. "I don't think that horse is too keen on letting Pichu ride on her."

"YOU GOT THAT RIGHT!" bellowed Epona.

Igglybuff didn't look concerned. "Oh, that's no problem! Igglybuff has an idea."

––

"Soooo, why exactly did you suddenly go even stupider than usual at the sight of that girl?" Clefairy asked some time later. Pichu was riding around the ranch on top of a _very _grumpy Epona... wearing a seat belt.

"Uhhh... well, you remember what you said before, about how everybody in Termina has a counterpart in Hyrule?" asked Pichu. "Well... there _may _have been another Igglybuff back in Hyrule. And she _may _have totally had the hots for me."

"I assume '_may_ have' is the operative term here."

Finally Pichu had finished shooting all the balloons around the ranch while on top of Epona. Igglybuff looked thrilled.

"You two work great together!" she cheered. "When you're coerced into it, that is. Okay, now I'll teach you Igglybuff's horse-calling song. That way you can call her whenever you like!"

"Don't bother," Epona said flatly. "He'll never remember it and I ain't coming when he calls anyway."

"Hey, that's not true! I already know Epona's Song!" Pichu snapped. To demonstrate, he pulled out the Pokéflute of Time and desperately tried playing the song, but after several minutes of successive failures everybody else lost their patience and went inside, leaving him standing alone out on the ranch.

"...HEY! Get back here!" Pichu shouted when he saw he was alone. Finally his shoulders sagged. "Sometimes I feel like my life is a big joke." A Torchic flapped onto his head and started pecking at him.

––

**A/N: **All that and it's not even the Night of the First Day! We might be in for _three _chapters of this stuff.


	19. Close Encounters of the Weird Kind

**A/N: **Welp it's obviously old news by now, but Gen VI already... yikes. Not sure how exactly it's going to affect this story yet. (I guess Adult Eevee back in Pokéflute of Time shoulda been a Sylveon huh?)

In other news, I started rewatching Digimon and now I'm obsessing over Ken. Weeeeeeeee.

––

After everything they'd been through, Pichu and Clefairy were both in need of a long nap. Well Clefairy was also in need of some anti-stress meds and a punching bag, but a nap was a good place to start. So they went back to the Stock Pot Inn in East Clock Town in order to reserve a room.

"Aw mannnn, there's a line," Pichu griped as they saw the receptionist, a young pretty Vulpix, was already being spoken to by the Mail Pelipper. "Hey dude! Move it or lose it! We don't have all day!"

"Technically we have an infinite cycle of time," said Clefairy.

"Quiet you. I don't pay you to talk."

The Vulpix was looking very shocked and distraught at the sight of a letter the Pelipper had just given her. "Wha-wha-what?! This letter... where... where did you get this?"

"Where do you think, sweet cakes? From the postbox."

"That - that's not what I mean! From the postbox _where?_"

"How the &*?# should I know? That's not my job."

Vulpix was at a loss for words. "But - but - _yes it is! _That's _exactly _what your job is!"

"Is it? Huh. I'll have to check on that. Anyway, tootles!" said the Pelipper, flapping out the door and leaving Vulpix shaking her head at the letter in her paws, looking completely overwhelmed.

"Uh... mayyyybe we should come back later. This might be a bad time," said Pichu.

"Forget it, we're not going anywhere. Even if this weren't a bad time you'd just make it one yourself." Clefairy floated up to the front desk. "Hey lady, we need a room pronto. Hello? Anybody home?"

"This letter..." Vulpix whispered, looking like she hadn't heard Clefairy at all. "Could it be...? Is it really from Riolu?"

Pichu blinked in shock. "Wha? You mean this Riolu?" he asked, putting on his creepy mask. Vulpix looked up and saw him, gasping at the sight of him.

"Oh! You... you're also looking for Riolu?"

"I... don't know why he needed to put that mask on in order to get that simple point across, but yeah, we are. You know anything about him?" asked Clefairy.

"Well, I... I do have a clue as to where he could be," said the rather timid Vulpix. "I... may I ask you something? Would you meet me in the kitchen at midnight tonight? I'll tell you everything I know about him... maybe you can help me."

"If we do that, will you give us a room for the night?" Pichu asked eagerly.

"Preferably one with two beds?" Clefairy said flatly.

"Oh, well... all our rooms are booked right now, but... I suppose I can do that. Wait here a minute."

She raced upstairs, and after a loud series of crashes and noises indicating a struggle, she came back down dragging an elderly senile Dunsparce shouting something incoherent. She drop kicked him out the door before slamming it shut behind them.

"Okay! The Knife Chamber is now open! Make yourselves at home," she said cheerfully.

"...I kinda like this chick," said Clefairy.

––

**Night of the First Day  
>-60 Hours Remain-<strong>

Pichu and Clefairy got a long sleep in their room, getting out of bed as midnight rolled around and preparing to go meet with Vulpix.

"Y'know, I'm pretty sure she was the person we heard talking with her mom that first night we came in here... which was technically tomorrow night," Clefairy said as they walked down the stairs. "They were talking about her fiancée running off... I wonder if this has anything to do with that."

"Yeah, life's full of mysteries. In the meantime, I gotta pee," said Pichu, kicking open the door to the bathroom and walking in. Seconds later he came running back out, shrieking at the top of his lungs and diving into Clefairy's arms.

"Clefairy! Th-th-there's a hand in that toilet!" he cried, pointing in the room with a trembling hand.

"What? Are you sure you're not just being stupid again?"

Sure enough, though, they stepped back in to see a gaunt green hand sticking out of the toilet, groping around as a low moaning sound came from somewhere beneath it.

"Pa-pa-pa-paper, please!" the voice groaned. "P-p-please... need... paper... any... paper..."

Pichu was understandably freaked out. "Uh, C-Money... you heard the man. He needs paper."

Clefairy just sighed wearily and pulled out a piece of paper she'd written all over. "Here. This is a list of my hopes and dreams for the future. I won't be needing it anymore."

The hand immediately snatched the paper away from her and ducked back into the toilet with a splash, whereupon Pichu quickly decided he didn't need to go to the bathroom after all. The two of them then walked into the deserted kitchen to find Vulpix already waiting for them.

"You both came... thank you," she sighed gratefully. "I'm sorry to trouble you so late at night, but it's about him... Riolu."

"Look, we already know the dude is your boy toy, so there's no need to beat around the bush about it," Clefairy said impatiently. "And I'm guessing he flaked out on you right before your wedding or something. Not that I'm surprised."

Vulpix looked very distressed and lowered her head. "Oh... I... is it that obvious...?"

"C-Money, I don't think playing off people with low self-esteem is a good idea," said Pichu.

"Nah, it's fun. You should try it sometime."

Vulpix suddenly lifted her head back up with her attempt at a determined look. "But... but the letter I got today was from Riolu. And he said he would come back for me... though it's strange, isn't it? Getting a letter from a missing person..."

"_That's _your definition of strange?" Pichu scoffed. "You wanna hear what _I_ did today? I turned into a pig and blew up a robot!"

"...I can see you two probably weren't the right people to ask for help. But, I'm desperate." Vulpix took an envelope off the table and gave it to Pichu. "This is a letter I wrote for Riolu... please, put it in a mailbox tonight. Then when the postman delivers it tomorrow, you can follow him and... you should be able to meet Riolu. And once you do... please tell me how he was."

"Yet another ungrateful citizen asks us to run an errand for them. Why don't you just do it yourself?" asked Clefairy.

"I... I'm sorry, I just can't. I'm too scared," said Vulpix, her voice almost a whisper. "I'm afraid of what I'll see... well, there's that, and there's also..."

"Daughter! What are you doing up at this hour?" came a loud voice as Vulpix's mother, a very unpleasant-looking Purugly, strode into the room. "If you stay up this late you'll sleep in too late to make the beds in the morning."

Vulpix lowered her head dejectedly. "Yes, Mother."

"Now go upstairs and wash your face. And honestly, take off that makeup. You're not deluding anyone into thinking you're attractive."

"Yes, Mother."

"Don't take that tone with me, young lady!"

"One of these days that girl is going to snap," Clefairy muttered as she and Pichu very quickly slinked out of the inn. "And it will be ugly. Extremely ugly. I'll be there to take pictures."

"Well, I think that's it for the night," said Pichu after he'd slipped the letter into one of the mailboxes. "I don't think we have anything else really super urgent we're supposed to be doing tonight... right now... at the ranch..."

He blinked. "OH SH*T!"

––

Pichu frantically scrambled into Romani Ranch as fast as he could go, having run there all the way from Clock Town. He got there just in time to see Igglybuff come walking out of the farmhouse with her own supply of Razor Leaves.

"Okay okay okay! I'm here!" he cried, collapsing to the ground in exhaustion. "I'm here to fight the aliens!"

"For the last time, silly, they're Freemasons!" Igglybuff giggled. "But good, you got here just in time, Scyther! They'll be here any minute now... and we must be ready for them."

"So what's the game plan here, exactly?" muttered Clefairy, who still honestly wasn't expecting anything to happen at all.

"When they come, they'll head straight for the barn and try to make off with our Miltanks," Igglybuff said in a very serious voice. "Igglybuff will stay here close to the barn and attack them if they make it over here. Scyther, you and Epona try and attack them from a long range and keep them from getting too close."

"So I'm the Sniper? But I wanna be Heavy Weapons Guy!"

"Um... guys?" Clefairy said nervously, looking up at the sky. "Something's happening..."

All three of them looked up in time to see a huge, glowing ball of light passing through the night sky. It gave off an eerie, sickly feeling that made all of them grow stiff in alarm. Suddenly the ball of light dropped low over their heads, coming to rest over the field...

And in a flash, an enormous group of Elgyems suddenly began to materialize out of thin air. They let out low, droning noises that made them sound like a swarm of bees as they hovered several inches off the ground, their eyes glowing lifelessly as they began to move across the field, heading slowly but inexorably toward the barn.

"Mother of Sparta..." Clefairy swore. "You mean that crazy chick was telling the truth?!"

"IT'S THE FREEMASONS! THEY'RE HERE!" Igglybuff shrieked. "Hurry Scyther, we have to fight them off! ...Scyther?"

Pichu was already running for the hills. "I DON'T WANNA DO THIS MOMMY!"

Unfortunately he didn't make it very far before he was surrounded by Elgyems. One of them blasted him with a Psychic attack and sent him flying backwards with a shriek, tumbling back to where Igglybuff and Clefairy were standing.

"It's no use... no one gets in or out as long as they're here," Igglybuff said quietly. "The only choice we have is to fight!"

Pichu wearily lifted his head up. "Oh fine... if it's for self-preservation, I'll do anything!"

He jumped to his feet and gave a whistle, and Epona (who'd stayed at the ranch for the night) came running over to him. "C'mon Epona! We've got a ranch to save!"

"You're right. I suppose being probed by aliens would be marginally worse than working with you for a while. Let's do it!"

Pichu leapt on her back and they took off, charging at the invading swarm of Elgyems. Pichu flung his Razor Leaves at them willy-nilly, causing them to shriek in pain and disintegrate as they were hit, but whenever one disappeared another would appear out of nowhere to take its place.

"What the crap?! Nobody told me this would happen!"

"They just keep coming!" Clefairy shouted from where she and Igglybuff were standing in front of the barn, frantically fighting off the Elgyems who made it past Pichu. "How many of these things _are _there?!"

"It's impossible to know. The Freemasons do not share their identities with the outside world."

Pichu and Epona frantically wove their way in and out from the mindless mass of aliens, dodging the Psybeams coming at them from every direction as Pichu kept throwing Razor Leaves. But no matter how many he killed, another wave of them just kept on coming, and they were slowly working their way past him.

"_Igglybuff! _What do I do?! I'm out of Razor Leaves!"

"It's okay! You just need to hold them off until sunrise!"

"**THAT'S IN THREE HOURS!**"

"There's a crate full of Razor Leaves behind the barn!" Clefairy shouted at him, and so Pichu turned Epona around and she galloped over to the barn as fast as she could go.

"Heh heh heh... I'm so clever," snickered one Elgyem who had made it past everyone and was preparing to sneak into the barn from the back. "My master plan is flawless. No one shall catch me now!"

"HEY! What do you think you're doing?!" Pichu yelled at him as he and Epona arrived behind the barn.

The Elgyem quickly started to panic. "Oh... I'm... uh... I'm not an alien! Nope! I'm just a... friendly neighborhood doorknob salesman! Yeah, that's it."

"Oh. Well, that's okay then. Actually, I like licking doorknobs. I'll take twenty."

Epona quickly lost her patience and threw the Elgyem to the ground, stomping on its head and causing it to disintegrate. "You can thank me later."

The next several hours were an undying nightmare for Pichu and his friends. The field in front of the barn devolved into a battlefield as he and Epona frantically fought off the relentless swarm of invaders, while Igglybuff and Clefairy were backed against the barn door and doing everything they could to defend themselves, Igglybuff by throwing her own Razor Leaves and Clefairy by flinging Meteor Mashes at anything and everything.

"Wait a minute! C-Money! Your species comes from space too doesn't it? Can't you reason with them?"

"That is nothing but a disgusting urban myth. I will not have such lies about my species propagated by the ignorant masses. I'll have you know I was born in a log cabin in the country of - "

"FORGET IT! I'M TIRED AND HUNGRY AND CRANKY AND I NEVER GOT TO PEE! THESE &*?#ING ALIENS HAD BETTER LEAVE RIGHT NOW IF THEY KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR THEM!"

And lo and behold, it was that very moment that the first rays of morning sunlight peeked over the horizon. As the Elgyems were stuck by the light, they all instantly froze, breaking off their assault and shrieking in agony before each and every one of them painfully disintegrated into nothingness. The ball of light over the ranch vanished, and all was peaceful and right once again.

"Awesome! They listened to me!" said Pichu.

"We did it... we won!" Igglybuff cheered, running up to Pichu as Clefairy slumped to the ground in exhaustion. "Oh thank you, thank you, Scyther! You protected the ranch! Thanks to you, the Miltanks are giving thanks too!"

"...I'll take your word for it."

"You deserve a present for helping Igglybuff. So here you go!" Pichu eagerly jumped off of Epona, expecting an extremely good reward for all his hard work. What he got was a Milk Bottle. "It's full of Moomoo Milk! Mmm, yummy!"

Pichu had to resist his killing urge again. "_Why? Why do I get all the sucky rewards?!_"

"It's almost time for my sister to get up, so I'd better get back to bed. Thanks again... little hero." Igglybuff gave Pichu a wink, which completely went over his head, before waltzing back into the farmhouse.

Clefairy shook her head. "I'm telling you, man. She's the only girl in Termina who'll get within twenty feet of you. Do not pass this one up."

Pichu looked at her. "Wait, what are you talking about?"

"Nothing."

––

**A/N: **I have nooooo idea what I would've done for this chapter if Elgyem/Beheeyem didn't exist :P But yeah, what do you think of Vulpix and Riolu as Anju and Kafei? I know I should've made the Cucco Lady a Vulpix too, but I wasn't thinking that far ahead...


	20. Stupid Sappy Romantic Drivel

**Dawn of  
>THE SECOND DAY<br>-48 Hours Remain-**

With their business at Romani Ranch taken care of (for the time being, as Igglybuff had invited them to come back that night), Pichu and Clefairy wearily began the trek back to Clock Town, Pichu tugging along an extremely unwilling Epona. After a while, he suddenly lifted his head up and looked around, realizing their surroundings were unfamiliar.

"Uh oh... I think I made a wrong turn."

"How the hell do you make a wrong turn when the way back to Clock Town is a straight path?" Clefairy demanded.

"He found a way. Trust me. He always does," Epona griped.

It turned out the group had wandered into the Gorman Track, an unfriendly-looking place which was run by two very sour-looking Pokémon, a Raticate and a Watchog.

"Well howdy there, shrimpy," Raticate sneered at Pichu as he walked over. "Welcome to the Gorman Bros.' horse training center. We raise the finest horses in all of Termina, and lemme tell ya, we got the finest milk too. I hope a smart upstanding fellow like yourself hasn't been buying any milk from over at Romani Ranch."

"That milk is watered down. It's not worth drinkin'," Watchog agreed. "Ours is the real deal. It's always fresh and full of vitamins."

Clefairy suspiciously picked up a carton of milk that was resting on a nearby ledge and sniffed it. "You're joking, right? This is clearly nothing but water with glue mixed in."

"Really? _Skol!_" Pichu cheered, grabbing it and downing the whole thing in one gulp.

"For Entei's sake, can you at least kill yourself in private so there's no one there to associate me with you when you do?!" Epona snapped at him, attempting to shove him back toward the main road. Raticate and Watchog suddenly burst out laughing at the sight of her.

"Is _that _pathetic little thing your horse?" Raticate jeered. "I would've guessed that little thing was a mule fer sure, ain't that right, little brother?"

Epona glared bloody murder at him. "What the hell are you talking about? I couldn't possibly be a mule unless there were such thing as a donkey Pokémon... which there _isn't!_"

"Shut up, mule."

"Ha ha ha! Tell ya what, kiddo? Why don't you two little shrimps go against us in a horse race?" laughed Watchog. "I just can't pass up the chance to see how bad ya do!"

"EXCUSE me?!" Pichu demanded, looking very offended indeed. "Are you implying that I can't beat you guys in a horse race? You, sirs, have just affronted my manliness!"

"You're seriously not used to that yet, huh?" said Clefairy.

"Who cares about _you? _They insulted _me!_" Epona cried furiously at Pichu. "This will not stand! I'm going to break their skulls and grind their bloated corpses into the dust!"

"Yeah! ...Wait, what?"

And so before long, Raticate and Watchog were each seated on top of a Rapidash and standing at the starting line of the racetrack, with Epona standing in between them. This would have been exactly what she wanted were in not for the fact that Pichu was sitting on her back.

"I'm having a very unwelcome flashback right now. Need I remind you what happened the last time you tried to race on me?" Epona snapped at Pichu.

"Don't worry, we're guaranteed a win! Shiny Pokémon have better stats than normal ones, right?"

"No..."

"...Well, bugger."

"Ready... GO!" shouted Raticate.

"Okay no panicking, we can just YEEEEAAUAUUUGHH!" Pichu shrieked as he was instantly hurled off of Epona and crashed headfirst into a wall. He actually had the exact opposite problem he usually had, as Epona was so determined to actually do something that she left him in the dust. She barreled after Raticate and Watchog, snorting and whinnying in fury as she maneuvered through trees and leapt over fences, finally getting an edge on them.

Once Pichu had shaken his head and cleared it, he watched in astonishment. "Woah! Epona's kicking ass!"

"Unbridled rage will do that for you. Take it from me," said Clefairy.

"WHAT IN TARNATION?!" cried Watchog as Epona crashed into his Rapidash and sent it flying clear off the track, taking him with it. Raticate glanced over his shoulder and saw this, then panicked as he saw Epona charging directly toward him.

"FASTER, BUBBLEGUM! RUN LIKE THE WIND!" he shrieked, whipping the reins, but he couldn't outrun Epona before she crashed into him and sent him flying as well, leaving the two brothers to gawk in disbelief as she galloped over the finish line.

"HA! Take that, assholes!" she crowed.

"YEAH! YIPPEE! We won!" Pichu cheered, jumping up and down.

Raticate grumbled to himself and picked himself up. "What're you talkin' about, you little pipsqueak? You didn't win! Your horse bucked you off and ran the whole thing herself!"

Pichu's ears drooped. "You mean we don't get a prize?"

"You don't get jack! All you two did was prove that you're a complete idiot and your horse is a good-for-nothin', flea-ridden mule with no respect for the rules!" Raticate turned to glare haughtily at Epona. "What do ya say to _that?_"

Epona's eyes narrowed.

––

Several minutes later, Raticate and Watchog were clutching their heads and screaming in horror at the sight of the racetrack and all the buildings going up in flames. Pichu and Epona happily trotted away from the disaster as Clefairy looked at them in utter disbelief.

"You'd think they would have taken the whole _fire _horse thing into account earlier," Epona said haughtily.

"Yeah, and look what I got while I was looting the place!" said Pichu, pulling out a creepy-looking Lampent Mask.

"Uh, that's nice. What does it do?" asked Clefairy.

"How should I know?"

––

Later that day, the dynamic duo returned to Clock Town in order to fall back on their rather nonsensical task of helping Vulpix with her boy troubles.

"You know, somewhere between the pouring rainstorm and the sewer Rattatas gnawing on my ankles, it occurred to me that we came back to this dump to be the go-between for two people we don't even care about. What the hell are we doing this for?" Clefairy said irritably.

Pichu shrugged. "I'm bored and there's nothing else going on. If we weren't doing this I'd probably just be off in Termina Field blowing more stuff up... hmm, now that you mention it, that sounds pretty good right now. Let's ditch them."

Clefairy smacked him just as the Mail Pelipper came flapping by them with his mailbag full of letters. Noticing him, the two of them immediately started sneaking after him, expecting him to follow his mail route and lead them right to Riolu. To their surprise, though, he suddenly stopped over in a dark shady corner at the edge of town.

"Let's see, what have we got today?" he said as he pulled out a bunch of letters and started opening them. "Ooooh, Madame Jynx has subscribed to a weight loss magazine... and the mayor is still writing to that floozy down the street! Spicy!"

Pichu and Clefairy stared at him. "Dude, if you're going to be a while, can you just give use the letter to Riolu and we'll be on our way?" asked Clefairy.

"Oh, yeah, yeah, whatever. He's over at the Laundry Pool. Oooh! I may already be a winner? This one's a keeper!"

"I'm starting to think we should just let this town get crushed by the moon," Clefairy grumbled as they headed over to the Laundry Pool. Sure enough, there was a door on the far end that seemed to lead indoors, but there was no mailbox to be seen.

"I guess we gotta ring that bell to get him to come out," Pichu decided, looking over at the bell that was hanging from a pole over the water.

"Sounds like a plan," said Clefairy, grabbing and hurling the shrieking Pichu at the bell. He crashed into it with his head, causing it to ring loudly before he plummeted into the creek.

––

"All right, that's _it!_" screamed a sopping wet Pichu several minutes later as he kicked open the door. "I am done with being used for physical humor! I demand to be treated with respect or else I'll - what the hell's going on in here?"

Clefairy was already inside the cramped, dimly lit room, conversing with a small Pokémon wearing a Ninetales Mask over his face. "Oh yeah, sorry. Well we needed him to open the door and you'd just screw it up if you came along, so it was two birds with one stone, really."

The masked Pokémon seemed to stare intently at Pichu. "Vulpix talked about both of you in her letter," he said quietly. "She said you're looking for Riolu. And she also said to watch out for you because you're both probably clinical. I don't know if I should be sharing anything with you."

Pichu frowned. "Aww, come on! If we're smart enough to break into your house, we're smart enough to keep a secret!" he protested. Clefairy smacked him again.

The strange Pokémon's shoulders slowly drooped. "Fine... I suppose I don't have any options left... and I'm running out of time," he murmured, sounding defeated. "Vulpix trusted you... I shall also trust you."

He removed his mask, revealing his face underneath it. "I am Riolu."

Pichu's jaw dropped. "_No freakin' way!_" he cried, apparently not having noticed he had the body of a Riolu and all that jazz.

"But you're just a child," Clefairy protested. "I sort of assumed Vulpix was marrying an adult. Unless this town is more backwoods than I thought."

"I _was _a Lucario," said Riolu, looking very unhappy indeed. "Until this happened to me. I was transformed into a child by a strange Nuzleaf wearing a mask."

Clefairy stared. "...So your mom and your girlfriend knew about this and didn't bother mentioning it to us?"

"I don't know if you've noticed, but the people in this town aren't exactly the brightest crayons in the box. I think there might be lead in the drinking water."

"Touché."

"And anyway, this isn't why I'm hiding myself," Riolu went on. "I knew Vulpix would still love me no matter how old I was... but because that would probably get her arrested, I went to see the Great Fairy to restore me to normal."

Pichu looked appalled. "Well _that _right there was your mistake, buddy. I hope you at least brought along some tear gas or a taser - "

"Would you stop interrupting me?! I never even made it to the Great Fairy!" Riolu snapped. "Before I could get there, my ceremonial wedding mask was stolen from me by a Sneasel. I _need _that mask..." He lowered his head in misery and clenched his fists. "There's no way I can show myself to Vulpix until I get that mask back."

Clefairy still didn't look sympathetic. "So instead of going out looking for it, you shut yourself in here and are never coming out. Makes total sense to me."

"I'm in here for a reason," Riolu huffed. "This is the back room of the Curiosity Shop. I can look through that hole in the wall and see everything that's going on in the shop. So when Sneasel shows up and tries to sell my mask, I'll know right away."

Curious, Pichu stepped up and peered through the hole, only to see on the other side the shop owner, a Scrafty, making out with a skanky-looking Roserade on top of the counter.

"Isn't it kind of early in the day for that?" asked Pichu.

The Scrafty looked up. "Who said that?"

"Yoink," said Pichu, quickly drawing away.

"So now you know why I'm here... and you know why I can't go back to Vulpix just yet," said Riolu. "But I know she's worried about me. Please give this to her... it's a sign that I haven't forgotten her. She'll know what it means." He untied the Pendant of Memories he'd been wearing around his neck and gave it to Pichu. "Can I at least trust you to do that right?"

"I dunno, man. I don't have a very good track record of doing this stuff the way I'm supposed to."

Clefairy swiped the pendant out of Pichu's hands. "You can count on me."

––

**Night of the Second Day  
>-36 Hours Remain-<strong>

It was nightfall as they left Riolu's hiding place, but before they left the Laundry Pool they noticed a Pokémon standing by the creek who hadn't been there before.

"Awesome! Look, a hobo!" cheered Pichu, looking over at the rather familiar-looking Ambipom grinding out a rather familiar-sounding song on his phonograph. "Hang on, I feel like I recognize this guy..."

"Isn't he one of the musicians from the carnival troupe?" asked Clefairy.

"La la la... they said I was much too loud when I practiced in my room," the Ambipom sang as he played his song. "Also I tried to feel up one of the Meloetta Sisters... they got mad... I got slapped... I'll just think about the past to keep my mind off the bad." He looked at Pichu. "Oh, little boy! Won't you listen to my tale, so that I can finally rid myself of the guilt I have felt all these years?"

Pichu awkwardly looked behind himself to see if the Ambipom was talking to someone else. "Why does everyone start telling me their life story when I just walk up to them?"

"Long ago, I was in a travelling musical troupe with Growlithes and Ponytas and such," Ambipom recounted before he suddenly started playing and singing again. "Why could a...? Why could a...? Why could an Ambipom join? That's 'cause an Ambipom is a Pokémon too, my boy!"

Clefairy looked at him blankly. "...Yes, we knew that."

"I didn't," said Pichu, scribbling it down for future reference.

"Everything was grand back then, except for one little thing..." Suddenly Ambipom's serene look grew utterly furious and he started playing the song at a much faster pace. "Why was the...? Why was the...? Why was the Growlithe the leader?! Was it 'cause something was wrong with me?! I was the... I was the... I was the only biped actually capable of playing a musical instrument! It doesn't making any &*?#ing sense!"

"What the hell's wrong with this guy?" said Clefairy as she and Pichu stood back and watched his tantrum. He was playing and ranting so loudly that someone nearby opened a window and threw a boot at his head, switching him off instantly.

"That Growlithe was an excellent leader," he said calmly. "He could make the others follow him wherever he went. That's why I... that's why I... that's why I stole his mask. Because it was the troupe leader's mask, and I wanted to be like him... but as you can see, that hasn't exactly gotten me places in life. So I give the mask to you."

"Uhh, okay then," said Pichu as Ambipom gave him the Bremen Mask, which resembled the face of a Braviary. He wasn't one to turn down free stuff, but Clefairy still looked confused.

"Really? All you did was steal a guy's mask? That's what's been causing you horrible guilt for so long?"

"Well, not entirely," said Ambipom. "To be frank... to be frank... our troupe was really nothing more than a cover for an elaborate underground terrorist organization. We tried to blow up Parliament."

"We're leaving now."

––

Pichu wanted to hurry back to the ranch and meet up with Igglybuff again, so the last thing they did before setting off was check up on Vulpix back at the inn.

"Hey, sweetcakes. Your boyfriend told me to give you this," said Pichu, reaching for the Pendant of Memories. He seemed to have forgotten that Clefairy had taken it, and when he realized he didn't have it his eyes bulged.

"OH SUICUNE NO I LOST IT! I'M A HORRIBLE PERSON!"

"Here you go," Clefairy said flatly, stepping over Pichu as he curled up on the floor and sobbed and handing the pendant to Vulpix.

"Oh...! This is... Riolu's pendant..." Vulpix gasped as she saw it. She looked unsure of what to do for a moment before her face grew uncharacteristically firm. "All right then. I... I've made my decision. I'm going to wait for him. I... I have faith that he'll come for me."

Clefairy looked impressed. "Really? That's awfully romantic of you." The floor began to shake as the moon drew closer to the earth. "And by romantic I mean suicidal. We're outta here."

––

**A/N: **Now watch, there's going to be a donkey Pokémon in Gen VI. Anyway this side quest thing is going on _way _too long so Imma start working on the next chapter right now. Sound good?


	21. Still More Useless Masks

**A/N: **Well I can already tell this is gonna be _way _longer than Pokéflute of Time :P

––

Pichu used the Song of Soaring to warp himself and Clefairy back over to Romani Ranch. As they arrived they saw Igglybuff frolicking around another Pokémon, who was hitching up a Rapidash to a large wagon filled with cartons of milk.

"Hey there, Iggly. We came back to - **WOAH!**"

"Is this going to be a regular thing with you?" Clefairy asked irritably as Pichu started stammering incoherently at the sight of the other Pokémon, who just so happened to be a Jigglypuff.

"Oh hi, Scyther! You came back! This is Igglybuff's big sister!" Igglybuff greeted.

"...Is he all right?" asked Jigglypuff, looking at Pichu rather strangely as he kept stammering. Finally Clefairy lost her patience and kicked him in the head.

"...Sorry, I just had a Twilight Zone moment."

"Right. Now Igglybuff told me that last night you help protect the ranch from 'aliens'." Jigglypuff grabbed Pichu and pulled him in close. "I swear, if you drugged her milk - "

Pichu was shocked. "Wait - what? No way! It was all her idea, I swear!"

"Hmph. Well anyway, I have to make this delivery of milk over to Clock Town, so you can ride over in the wagon if you want. I'll be a few minutes getting ready, so feel free to look around."

Deciding he wanted very badly to get away from Jigglypuff, Pichu quickly wandered off and explored and eventually walked into a small Torchic Shack adjacent to the ranch. Sitting in the middle of it was a very emo-looking Dragonair, and fluttering and pecking around him were a bunch of adorable little Torchics.

"Sigh... I heard the moon is gonna fall," he muttered, not seeming affected by the cuteness of the Torchics. "I heard that it's gonna take all of Termina out with it."

"You _heard _about it? There's also plenty of evidence right above your head, you know," said Clefairy.

"It's no matter, though..." Dragonair said drearily. "What's one more thing to add to the darkness and hopelessness that is my life... all life is pointless and fleeting... despair is all around us..."

Pichu started looking very annoyed. "I'm starting to feel that killing urge again. Let's get outta here."

"...My one regret is that I won't get to see these little Torchics grow up and reach their prime."

Clefairy turned back around. "That's _seriously _your only regret in life?" she scoffed at him. "What a sad, pathetic life you lead. Not like me. I have big plans for the future. I'm _going _places, man. That's why I'm following around this dumb yellow kid who keeps picking his nose... hang on, that came out wrong."

"Hey, wait a minute... I think we can actually help this guy out!" Pichu pulled out the Bremen Mask. "Remember? That guy said we can use this mask to make Pokémon instantly mature!"

"...He never said any such thing."

"You gotta read between the lines. Anyway, check this out!" Pichu put the mask on, then pulled out the Pokéflute of Time and began playing a brisk march as he strutted around the pen. As he marched past each one of the Torchics, they perked their heads up and immediately began following after him until they had all formed a neat single file line.

Clefairy watched all this. "Okay, I still don't see how this is - "

Suddenly, just as the last Torchic fell into line, one by one they were all consumed by a puff of smoke and transformed into huge muscular Blazikens.

"WHAT IN THE - " Clefairy's reaction was very loud and very unprintable.

"Holy guacamole!" Dragonair squeed very loudly at the sight of all the Blazikens. "They're all so handsome and buff... that's it! I don't have any regrets about anything anymore! Here, you can have this mask from me." He pulled a pair of Buneary ears from out of nowhere and gave them to Pichu.

"DA-na-na NA-na-na NAAAAAA! I got the Buneary Hood!" Pichu cheered as he held his new mask up. Meanwhile Dragonair continued to swoon at the Blazikens as they all stood around flexing and striking poses.

––

"I'm still trying to figure out what happened back there," Clefairy muttered as they returned to the ranch. "Wait a minute... why don't you just do that Bremen Mask thing on Riolu? It'll solve everybody's problems and we won't have to waste any more time helping out these stupid people."

Meanwhile, Jigglypuff had finished hitching up the wagon and was preparing to leave. "I'm heading out for Clock Town right now... if you two want a ride back, hop on the wagon."

"Awesome! Let's go!" Pichu cheered, doing exactly that.

Clefairy gave him a look. "But we just _came _from Clock Town."

"Yeah, but that time we had to walk over like a couple of suckers!"

"No we didn't, you warped us here."

"Wha - " Pichu didn't get to ponder this before the Rapidash started to move and the wagon began rolling off. Clefairy sighed and floated up to join Pichu as they traveled out of the ranch.

"Actually, I'm glad for the company tonight," Jigglypuff admitted as she drove the wagon. "Our father died a while back, and my sister and I have had to take care of the ranch all by ourselves... it gets a bit lonely..."

"I'm sorry, did we _ask _for your life story?" Clefairy asked irritably, resting her head in her hand.

"Say, what are folks back in town saying about that moon?" asked Jigglypuff, gazing up at the very large chunk of rock in the sky. "I have friend back in town, you know... her name is Vulpix. I suppose I'm worried about her." She sighed. "The day after tomorrow is her wedding day, you know. Her fiancée... he and I are good friends. I admit I may have had feelings for him once..."

Pichu sat up in interest. "Woah! You mean Vulpix's mom thought he ran off with _you?! _What a scandal! I can't wait to tell everyb - MHHFRGH!" He was cut off as Clefairy slammed an empty milk carton over his head.

"Are you sure you didn't get kicked in the head by one of the horses?" Jigglypuff asked impatiently before turning ahead and gasping. "What in the - the road..."

Pichu pulled the milk carton off his head in time to see a fence had been erected directly in their path, blocking off the way back to Clock Town. "Woah. Uh... I didn't do it."

"Just perfect... we'll have to take the detour through ugly country," Jigglypuff muttered. Pichu and Clefairy suddenly began to grow wary as Jigglypuff turned the wagon around and set off down an adjacent road. They quickly realized they were headed directly for the Gorman Track.

"Igglybuff tells me you're a pro with Razor Leaves, boy... I'm getting us through here as fast as I can, but if any pursuers come after us, I want you to stick them until they stop moving. Got it?"

"...Wait, what? I don't know if I..."

"_HOOOOOAAAAAAUGH!_"

"Son of a b*tch..."

Two masked figures suddenly came charging out of the darkness, bellowing at the top of their lungs and waving pitchforks above their heads as they rode their Rapidashes directly toward the wagon. Though they were both wearing Lampent Masks over their heads, it was obvious they were Raticate and Watchog.

"I suppose now's not the time to point out their masks don't have eyeholes either..." Clefairy said nervously.

"I knew it was them!" Jigglypuff swore loudly, driving the wagon as fast as she could as Pichu and Clefairy started to panic. "They blocked off the road and forced us to come this way! They must be after my supply of milk bottles!"

Pichu looked very nervous. "Uh, actually... this might be my fault... my horse and I may have kinda sorta burned their house down."

"YOU _**WHAT?!**_"

"Look, we can sit here playing the blame game or we can kick those guys' asses before they get us!"

"THERE'S THAT LITTLE YELLOW PUNK!" Raticate roared, brandishing his pitchfork. "Let's stick him until he's so full of holes he's gotta pee out of his armpits!"

"IF SO MUCH AS ONE MILK CARTON GETS BROKEN I AM PARADING YOUR HEAD AROUND CLOCK TOWN ON A PIKE!" Jigglypuff shrieked as Pichu leapt into action. He jumped to the back of the wagon and began flinging Razor Leaves as fast as he could, striking both of their pursuers multiple times and causing them to fall back. But no matter how many times they were hit, they kept on roaring in determination and resuming their pursuit of the wagon.

"C-MONEY! WHY AREN'T YOU HELPING?!" Pichu screamed, growing increasingly desperate.

"Let's see, if those guys catch you they'll kill you. If you break the milk bottles Jigglypuff will kill you. I on the other hand have no stake in any of this. So yeah, good luck with that." She sat back and started chugging a milk bottle.

"FOR &*?#'S SAKE - " Pichu lost his patience and started throwing Razor Leaves faster and faster, but Raticate and Watchog were maneuvering their horses from side to side and out of the line of fire, and whenever they did get hit they just shook it off like it was nothing. Before long Pichu had run out of ammo and their pursuers still weren't letting up.

"HOO-WEE! We got you good this time, you little brat!" Raticate's mount put on a burst of speed and charged directly at Pichu, Raticate thrusting his pitchfork at him. Whipping around in panic, Pichu finally grabbed an enormous milk carton several times his size and hurled it at Raticate, causing it to shatter against his head and splashing milk in his eyes.

"WHAT WAS THAT?! DID I JUST HEAR A MILK CARTON BREAK?! THAT'S IT, I'M HAVING RODENT FOR DINNER TONIGHT!" Jigglypuff screamed. In the meantime, Raticate was blinded by the milk in his eyes and was howling in fury. Unable to see where he was going, he caused his horse to swerve wildly to the left and crash directly into Watchog's horse. Both Gorman Brothers screamed as they flew off their mounts and crashed to the ground far off the main road... and then randomly exploded in an enormous mushroom cloud.

"DUDE! That was freaking AWESOME!" Pichu cheered, dancing around in celebration.

"I hate Termina... I hate Termina... I hate Termina..." Clefairy muttered.

––

Several minutes later, Jigglypuff had finally managed to drive the wagon all the way back to the entrance to Clock Town, making the rest of the journey relatively undisturbed.

"Well, I suppose you managed to save _most _of the milk," she said after she'd pulled up in front of the entrance to town and Pichu and Clefairy hopped off the wagon. "It's more than I could have managed on my own... and I know the milk bar will be grateful for this shipment. So, I think you deserve a reward."

She presented Pichu with Romani's Mask, which resembled the head of a Miltank. "This is a very exclusive mask that will allow you entrance into the milk bar. It's a sign that I recognize you as an adult!" she said cheerfully, but then her expression turned deadly. "And it also means you can be tried as an adult if you do anything with Igglybuff."

"...Oh, yeah, got it. See ya later then!" said Pichu as Jigglypuff got back on the wagon and drove it into town. Then he put the mask on and turned around to show Clefairy the cow on his head. "So how do I look?"

Clefairy looked him up and down. "Well if you've never been beaten up behind the playground before, you will be now."

––

**Dawn of  
>THE FINAL DAY<br>-24 Hours Remain-**

"Hey there, fruit pie!" Pichu greeted Vulpix as he and Clefairy left their room in the inn. "We told Riolu everything so he must have come for you last night, right? Did you two have a romantic evening filled with horrible, disgusting things?"

Vulpix looked nervous at his prodding. "Oh, well... actually, he hasn't shown up yet..."

Pichu frowned. "What? That stupid two-timing... wait here a minute."

––

"Hey asshole!" shouted Pichu, marching into Riolu's hideout with a long length of rope and a ball gag in his hands. "I didn't play Cupid for you and Vulpix so you could go run off with a cream puff! You get your ass over there right now or I'll - "

"Oh, are you looking for Riolu?" asked the person waiting in the room. Surprisingly it wasn't Riolu at all, but rather the Scrafty owner of the Curiosity Shop. "Sorry, you missed him. He left last night."

"What? Oh come on! I just got the Magical Growth-Accelerating Mask and everything!"

"He mentioned you, though..." said Scrafty, looking thoughtfully at Pichu. "See, I've known Riolu since he was a Riolu... wait, I mean since he was a Riolu the first time, not whatever the hell's happened to him now. But once I saw him with that Ninetales Mask I gave him a long time ago, I knew it was him."

"Yes, yes, more shared histories. It's a small Termina after all, we get it. Now just tell us where the hell he went or I'll sock your face in," said Clefairy.

"Last night, a customer came into my shop... a greedy thief named Sneasel," said Scrafty. "He was tryin' to sell me some kinda mask, and when Riolu saw it he just went berserk and went chasing after the guy, screaming something about blood and vengeance and all that. He probably followed him all the way to Ikana Canyon, where the thief's hideout is... and he said if you came looking for him, I should give you this."

He pulled out a letter with a shiny pink and purple seal. "It's a letter to his mom. He wants you to give it to her."

"Well, that was an anticlimactic end to this side quest. Can I at least have the mask too?" asked Pichu, pointing at the Ninetales Mask which Riolu had apparently left behind.

Scrafty looked at it. "Kid, this is a gift I gave to Riolu years ago. It's his mask of memories and holds a lot of sentimental value for him."

"I'm not hearing a no," said Pichu, yanking the mask off the table and strutting out the door.

––

Before setting off to deliver the letter, Pichu and Clefairy warped back to the Mountain Village in order to collect something very important.

"Hey there, kid. You got here just in time," said Timburr as they walked into the Mountain Smithy. "We reforged your Leaf Blade into something much stronger. Check it out!" He gave Pichu his Leaf Blade, which together with the Gold Dust had been made into a much more powerful Shiny Leaf. Don't think too hard about it.

"HUZZAH!" Pichu cheered, hugging his blade and not seeming to notice that it was slicing him up. "Aw man, I missed this thing so much!"

"I don't see why. You caused enough property damage without it," said Clefairy.

––

**Night of the Final Day  
>-12 Hours Remain-<strong>

"This is ridiculous. We've been looking all over town for Riolu's mom and can't find her anywhere," Clefairy griped. Once again Clock Town had become empty and deserted, the last few tenants futilely fleeing for their lives as the enormous moon grew closer and closer. "She probably ran away with everyone else! Let's just get out of here while we still can!"

"But... but... I wanted to give her the letter... I was gonna get a prize!" Pichu pouted. "Oh, forget it. Let's just give it to the postman to deliver. Then it's his problem."

As the clock struck midnight, signaling the start of the Carnival of Time which was still taking place for some ungodly reason, Pichu and Clefairy walked into the Post Office to find the Mail Pelipper curled up on his bed and sobbing.

"I want to flee..." he whimpered. "I want to get out of here... but... there are still so many letters I haven't read! I... I can't stop until I've gone through everyone's mail and gone over every last juicy detail! It's a sickness..."

Clefairy took Riolu's letter and flung it at him. "Knock yourself out. Literally, if you don't mind."

The Pelipper straightened up in shock. "Oh! This... this mail has a priority seal! I MUST READ IT!" He ripped it open and pored over it, making a bunch of weird satisfied noises as he did. Clefairy promptly started banging her head against the wall.

"That was awesome," he sighed. "I finally feel free to get out of this crapsack town! YIPPEE!" He grabbed his Postman's Hat and gave it to Pichu. "I won't be needing this mask anymore. You can have it!"

"They're really pushing the envelope of what qualifies as a mask around here," Clefairy muttered as he flew out the door.

––

"So, what exactly did we accomplish these past three days?" Clefairy griped as they stepped into the street and gazed up at the moon. "Nothing, that's what. All we did was help fix miniscule problems with random people's lives when they're all about to die anyway. We were supposed to _relax, _dammit! We accomplished literally nothing from all of this!"

"Hey, that's not true! I got a potential love interest! And like twenty new masks!" Pichu pouted.

"And unless one of those masks can magically blow up the moon, it was still a waste of time. Now please, just play the Song of Time and get us out of here. If I'm forced to relive these days over and over with you I at least want to spend them making progress towards getting rid of you."

"But we still have six hours," said Pichu. "Maybe there's somebody else we can help!"

"GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD!" shrieked a Snorlax standing on the roof of the Post Office, throwing himself to the ground and landing on top of Clefairy.

"Song of Time it is," said Pichu, playing the magical melody and warping them away.

––

**A/N: **I'm saving the Milk Bar for when Pichu has all his transformation masks and can get the Circus Leader's Mask. But YES the side quests are finally done! Time to get back on track!


	22. Do the Dewott

**A/N: **Well I left this thing hanging for waaaaay longer than I should have, but that's grad school for you, ne? And of course in the interim we have made the hilarious discovery that both Togetic and Clefairy are actual Fairy-types. You heard it here first folks.

––

**Dawn of  
>THE FIRST DAY<br>-72 Hours Remain-**

"Okay, so the next place Cleffa said we were supposed to go is the ocean to the west," Clefairy sighed wearily. "So let's hurry and – " She did a double take as she saw Pichu had transformed into Pignite. "What are you doing?"

"What's it _look _like? I'm finally gonna lay the smack down on that stupid dog! There's no _way _I can lose as Pignite!" Pichu boasted, pounding his mighty fists together. Sure enough, the Lillipup was running directly toward him with a ferocious growl, and Pichu responded with a deafening war cry as he charged over to meet it, instigating a clash of epic proportions against the much smaller dog.

––

"Man, that was awesome," Clefairy said several minutes later as Pichu lay sprawled on the dirty ground, covered in blood and with three of his four limbs bent in the wrong direction. "I mean it was already awesome when he twirled you around his head, but then he started smacking you back and forth like the Hulk did to Loki in that one movie. I can't even imagine the physics behind that."

Pichu finally managed to sit up, looking very pissed off. "THAT DOG IS AN AGENT OF EVIL!"

"I think you're just a sore loser."

––

After turning back into Pichu, our nominal hero and his companion departed Clock Town once again and set off through the western part of Termina Field, which would lead them over to the Great Bay. There was a large gate that was blocking their entrance into the bay area, but Epona was kind enough to help Pichu across, by which I mean she mule kicked him over the top. Though as they finally arrived at their destination, Pichu started to wish he hadn't even bothered.

"Hey, what gives?" he asked as he and Clefairy looked around. "This is a beach, isn't it? So where's all the beer and bikinis and beach volleyball and stuff?"

"This is Termina, remember? No one's allowed to be happy," said Clefairy. "But, ugh… this place looks even worse than usual. It must be under some kind of curse like everywhere else…"

Apart from the beach being eerily deserted, the air was almost unbearably humid and stagnant and the water was absolutely filthy, colored a murky off-white and giving off the impression that it couldn't sustain any sort of life. Going for a swim in there seemed like an all-around bad idea.

"Geez, talk about a mood killer. Why is everything around here so _depressing?_" Pichu huffed. "Seriously, _I'm _here! That alone should be grounds for some cheerfulness! I'm here to save the world, so why can't everybody just do their part and be a little more upbeat about it?"

"I think I see a dead guy in the water."

"That asshole! I'll show him!"

Sure enough, off in the distance they could see a Dewott bobbing up and down in the water, lying very still and surrounded by Wingulls circling around him in the air. He seemed to notice Pichu and Clefairy standing on the shore, however, as he feebly turned his head to face them and looked like he was trying to call out to them.

"Please… help… me…" he croaked out. "Ughh… please… get me… to shore…"

Pichu staggered back in shock as he saw the Dewott moving. "Holy colorful expletive! That guy's still alive!" he cried. "Leave this one to me, C-Money. I'm a licensed lifeguard!"

Clefairy looked stunned. "You are?"

"No, but I stole the license off a lifeguard once, that's close enough right?" he asked before charging into the water. He made it in about ten feet before he started drowning himself, and Clefairy ended up having to rescue both him and Dewott.

"That was humiliating. I'm glad the only witness is about to die," Pichu groaned afterwords as he lay sprawled on the beach.

Clefairy was naturally more concerned about Dewott. "Hey, are you all right? What happened to you? How'd you get like this?" she asked as she knelt over him, worry filling her voice. He was really not looking good…

Dewott moaned in pain and lifted his head up, looking like he was trying to drag himself further onto the shore. "My name is Dewott… I'm the guitarist of the Water-type band, the Indigo-Gos," he said weakly. "I… I think this is it for me… I'm not going to make it."

Pichu sat up and looked annoyed. "What? You mean I went through all that trouble saving you for nothing?"

"You two… will you… listen to my final message?" Dewott whispered, his eyes glazed and unfocused, looking like he was fading fast.

Clefairy was naturally alarmed. "Of course we will… won't we, Pichu?"

"Huh? Wait, this guy's about to exposit something, isn't he?" Pichu quickly pulled out a notepad. "Okay, go for it."

"My final message…" Suddenly Dewott leapt to his feet, pulled out a guitar that seemed to be made from the skeleton of a very large Magikarp, and started violently rocking out on it while singing at the top of his lungs.

"OH YEAH! BABY!" he bellowed. "Oh baby, baby, listen to me! The carnival's beginning soon! We're the ones they're waiting to see!" He started playing the guitar behind his head. "But I knocked up that Vaporeon chick, and things got out of hand real quick! Her eggs got stolen by Gerudo pirates – not rad! And now she's lost her voice so I can't hear her nag!" He started playing with his teeth. "I tried to get the eggs back from the pirates and BAM! They tied me to the rack and now here I am! Somebody please save those eggs or I'll sock you in the hole! Somebody please, heal my soul!"

He finished his song by pulling a match out of nowhere and setting his guitar on fire, hoisting it above his head. "**OH YEAH!**"

Pichu spent this whole time gawking at him in confusion while Clefairy started weeping into her hands, feeling her grip on sanity weakening again.

"That's all… thank you," Dewott gasped, dropping his guitar and collapsing facefirst into the sand, not moving anymore.

Pichu stared down at him. "Did we seriously just watch somebody die? This was not in the brochure!"

"With the same amount of energy he just expended doing all that, he could have walked to the nearest hospital. I have instantly lost all pity for him," said Clefairy.

"Still… he asked us to heal his soul," said Pichu, withdrawing the Pokéflute of Time. "He must have meant that he won't be at peace because he couldn't rescue those eggs. But maybe we can at least do this for him…"

He played the Song of Healing.

––

_Dewott was floating slowly through the inky darkness. Numbly he wondered whether this was the end for him, when suddenly he came to a stop and a familiar figure emerged from out of the darkness to greet him. It was Vaporeon, the vocalist of his band and the girl he'd always carried a torch for. She gave him a warm smile, seeming to say that he'd done enough and it was time to let go. Eagerly taking her hand, Dewott felt himself being led over to spectral versions of their bandmates, playing and strumming away, before he faded into the light. And so he departed from the world, going off to cover a bunch of Journey songs and take lots of intravenous drugs in the hereafter._

_––_

Back in the real world, Dewott's body had vanished, leaving behind nothing except a mask of his face that was lying in the sand.

"Wooooooah!" Pichu cheered, snatching the mask up. "Does this mean I can turn into that guy now? _Awesome!_"

"It also means that now _you _have to go off and fight the pirates and rescue those eggs," said Clefairy.

Pichu blinked slowly. "SON OF A – "

––

On the plus side, Dewott turned out to be Pichu's favorite form yet, lithe yet powerful and also pretty drop-dead sexy. After putting the mask on and undergoing the initial painful transformation, the first thing he did was start flexing in front of a mirror for several minutes before Clefairy hurled him into the water to go look for the pirates. After swimming around a bunch and getting lost in the murky water (and crashing his head into a bunch of rocks), Pichu finally gave up on that endeavor and went exploring around the coastline instead.

"Hey, you guys seen any pirates around here? I'm supposed to go beat them up for some reason," Pichu called over to some native Water-types as he wandered into Zora Hall Coast, a closed-off section of the bay.

"Hey Dewott! Is that you?" asked a Kingler who was standing next to a bunch of pots on ledges. "Everybody's worried about you, man! You should head over to Zora Hall and let everyone know you're all right. You've got a band rehearsal going on, don't you?"

"I do? …I mean, yeah, I do! I, the great Dewott, shall bring down the house with my awesome accordion playing!"

"You play the guitar."

Pichu glared at the Kingler. "Thanks, Mr. Know-it-all, anything else you'd like to tell me?"

"Yeah. You owe me two hundred Rupees for smashing all my pots last week."

"Those pots were ugly and poorly constructed."

The Kingler pouted. "You don't have to tell me…"

The entrance to Zora Hall was actually underwater, so Pichu dived in and swam out a bit before vanishing through the opening that looked like the toothy maw of a fish. When he made it inside…

"Woooooooah."

Zora Hall was a big band hall, if the name didn't tip you off. Apart from having coral growing all over, it was full of pretty colors and waterfalls that led down to a big pool in the middle of the main stage. Also the bandshell was _literally _a shell, as in a giant seashell. You could almost hear the game developers groaning in pain at the pun.

"Man, this place _rules!_" Pichu exulted as all the techies wandered around setting the stage up. "Time to start living the glamorous life of a rock star!"

"That would be a terrific idea if you _were _a rock star," said Clefairy. "But given the way you make my ears bleed every time you play that flute of yours, trust me when I say there's no way you can pass as an actual musician. People are going to figure out you're a phony!"

"Oh, quit worrying. Just so long as I don't have to play any actual songs or refer to anybody by name, no one will ever be the wiser!"

"Heeeey, Dewott!" greeted Seismitoad, the band's drummer, as he opened the door of their shared room. "Wanna play through our entire set while we try to remember the names of all of our mutual acquaintances?"

"Yes, just send the groupies over to my room, thanks… wait, what?"

"Both of you, quit messing around," came a stern voice, and Pichu turned around and found himself facing the bandleader, Floatzel. "Dewott, I've been looking everywhere for you. Meet me in my room, we need to talk. _Now._"

"…Uh oh," said Pichu, growing pale as Floatzel vanished into his room and slammed the door behind him. "C-Money, you don't think this is about Dewott messing around with Vaporeon and then losing her babies, do you?"

"Well, if you're lucky, he's just calling you in to talk about the wallpaper in your room."

––

"…And _that _is why teal is a disgusting color and you need to repaint the walls or else make the rest of us look bad," Floatzel finished berating him some time later. "Now, on to the other thing I called you in here for. Have you managed to get Vaporeon's eggs back from the pirates yet?"

"Uh… well…" Pichu fidgeted nervously. "I definitely kicked all of their asses, but it might take a few days for the eggs to get here in the mail."

"Dewott, this is serious. We're supposed to be playing at the Carnival of Time over in Clock Town, but we can't exactly do that if our vocalist won't even sing. You know how women are, they go through a little thing like losing their offspring to some sociopaths and they get all emotional about it. I'm afraid she's not going to get her voice back until you find those eggs."

Pichu looked disappointed. "So, that means no groupies yet then?"

"Would you just get going?!" Floatzel snapped. "I haven't told Wartortle and Seismitoad about this because I don't want to worry them, but I can't keep this from them forever. You have to get those eggs back before everyone starts panicking!"

"Okay, okay," Pichu pouted, turning and walking out of Floatzel's room before the bandleader suddenly called him back.

"Wait... don't leave yet. As long as you're here, I want you to go do a sound check and make sure everything sounds good."

"...You mean you want me to go play a song?" asked Pichu, suddenly looking very nervous. "Uh, okay... that can't be too hard, right?"

––

Several minutes later, Pichu was standing up on the stage with his instrument in hand. Fortunately, the Pokéflute of Time had magically transformed into another instrument for him yet again, becoming a fishbone guitar like the one the real Dewott had. _Un_fortunately, that didn't mean Pichu knew how to play it.

"LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!" he sang loudly as he strummed the guitar, having no idea what he was doing. "MY BALONEY HAS A FIRST NAME, IT'S O-S-C-A-R! MY BALONEY HAS A SECOND NAME, IT'S..."

"Dewott, what the _hell _is wrong with you? I thought we agreed we were cutting that song!" Floatzel snapped as the techies were all covering their ears and collapsing to the ground in agony.

"Uh, sorry. I'm... stoned. Really stoned. Or not stoned enough. I forget how it is with musicians."

"Just go already," Floatzel groaned, covering his face in his hand. "I have enough on my plate already trying to keep it from the other guys that Vaporeon's lost her voice and we can't perform..."

Seismitoad immediately came exploding through the wall, sending debris flying. "VAPOREON'S LOST HER VOICE AND WE CAN'T PERFORM?!" he screamed. "THIS IS TERRIBLE! WHAT DO WE DO?!"

"THIS IS BOGUS, MAN!" cried Wartortle, and within seconds everyone in the room except Floatzel was running around screaming as a mass panic ensued.

"Well, my work here is done," said Pichu, walking out of Zora Hall as fast as he could go.

––

**A/N: **Japas is a Wartortle because it's my favorite Pokémon, so there. Also I'm pretty much just gonna stick in the Gen VI guys wherever I feel like they would fit in, but who knows where that will be.


	23. Pirates of the Terminian

**A/N: **This might actually be my favorite chapter yet. I hope the wait was worth it.

––

**Night of the First Day  
>-60 Hours Remain-<strong>

So after that pointlessness, Pichu finally set off on his "heroic" quest to rescue Vaporeon's eggs. He swam through the murky Great Bay water (which seemed devoid of life save for a bunch of Skrelps floating around) toward the Pirates' Fortress, with Clefairy having no choice but to cling onto his back and hold her breath. He had to bash through an underwater wooden panel with his head to actually make it into the outside area of the fortress on the other side.

"I'm surprised you didn't sustain any head injuries from bashing that thing," said Clefairy.

"Who are you and why are you wearing a mullet?"

"Never mind."

Climbing onto the shore, Pichu and Clefairy finally got their first look at the fortress… as well as the pirates patrolling the outside in their boats. Much to Pichu's surprise, they were all female Psychic-types, not unlike a certain other group of thieves he had run afoul of.

"Well, looks like we've got another stealth mission on our hands. Which means no using the paintball gun or the saxophone."

"Awww, yeah! This is gonna be the best stealth mission _ever!_" Pichu cheered. "Check it out! The pirates are all hot chicks!"

"Yeah, hot Psychic-type chicks," said Clefairy. "Which means instead of just stabbing you when they see you, they'll probably telekinetically remove your head from your neck and then shove it up your ass. And _then _stab you. So what's your plan for getting past those guys?"

"Well, my backup plan was to seduce them all into submission with my guitar… but I should be able to sneak past them just so long as they don't hear us. So, maybe if we just stay quiet we can – "

"Hoo hoo! Up here, Pichu!"

"**WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K! WHAT THE **&*?#**ING **&*?#** ARE YOU **&*?#**ING DOING HERE YOU **&*?#**ING SON OF A **&*?#**ING **&*?#** **&*?#** CREAM PASTRY!**"

Sure enough, Noctowl was perched up on a high ledge and gazing down at them as Pichu continued flailing his arms and screaming. "You foolish child, you didn't think I'd actually forgotten about you, did you?" he said. "Rest assured, I have been watching you wherever you go. You've only accomplished anything so far because I have permitted it, as part of your ultimate road to painful humiliation and defeat."

"You know, as disappointing as it is, you can't actually kill him because of plot convection or whatever," said Clefairy. "What exactly were you planning on doing? Because I'd love some ideas."

"Oh, get real!" Pichu snapped, balling his fists at Noctowl. "I'm a totally awesome Dewott now, ya jackass! I can take anything you can dish out!"

"Yes, you're right," Noctowl agreed. "Which is why instead of fighting you myself, I've just alerted the pirates to your presence. They should be here in about five seconds."

"What – "

"THERE HE IS!" shrieked a Meowstic standing on the shore several yards away from Pichu, surrounded by several other angry Psychic-types. Pichu screamed and tried to run away, but the pirates were upon him within seconds and promptly did whatever it is that pirates do to people they don't like before dumping him out of the fortress.

––

"That was fun. Let's do it again," said Clefairy as Pichu lay sprawled on the Great Bay shore.

Pichu grimaced and sat up. "_Yes! _We _are _doing it again, because I'm not about to get shown up by a bunch of girls like that! Now let's hurry up before the moon kills everybody!"

"Hey, come to think of it, isn't it getting to be that time that the Sneasel guy is mugging the old lady? Too bad we can't do anything to help her or Riolu."

"Oh, that guy?" asked Pichu. "Don't worry about him. I took care of that before we left."

––

Back in North Clock Town, the night was quiet and still save for the elderly Froslass who was slowly floating down the path with her large bomb bag in tow. Just then, Sneasel came racing quickly but silently out of the shadows, making a beeline toward the Froslass with his eyes fixed on her bomb bag… and so he didn't even notice the tripwire just above the ground until he'd already tripped over it. This activated a humongous catapult that had been hidden, launching an enormous boulder that flew through the air and landed right on top of him.

The Froslass watched all this. "I knew I shouldn't have mixed my meds like that."

––

So Pichu and Clefairy re-entered the outer area of the fortress, this time successfully able to evade the guards without Noctowl around to ruin things. Unfortunately, all the above-water entrances were too high up for him to reach, but swimming under the patrol boats brought the duo to an underwater tunnel that led directly into the lower part of the fortress.

"Okay, this is really weird. Why is there a maze with a bunch of blocks down here underwater? Did they actually think a Water-type would come swimming down here and just stuck this here specifically to mess them up?"

Clefairy didn't answer. She was flailing frantically around and turning blue in the face.

"Huh? Oh, right, you need air to breathe and stuff. Come to think of it, I'm a mammal so I shouldn't be able to breathe down here either. Funny how that works out."

Somehow they survived that, but as soon as they managed to get above water they saw that Pichu would have to swim through a tunnel that was filled with a bunch of spiky metal balls floating on chains.

Pichu grew very pale. "Those things are mines, aren't they."

"Yup."

"I'm not going to be able to avoid them, am I."

"Nope."

"I'm going to swim into every single one of them and set them all off."

"I'd be disappointed if you didn't."

"Let's get this over with," Pichu groaned. Moments later, the sounds of a large chain of explosions and high-pitched screaming could be heard outside the fortress.

Pichu dragged himself through several additional rooms before finally arriving at a dead end which held only a switch on the wall and a grate in the floor.

"There's water under there. It looks like hitting that switch causes some kind of water spout that you can ride to the top," Clefairy reported.

"Thank _Entei_. I never want to go through that ever again," Pichu groaned as he took off his Dewott Mask and hit the switch with a Razor Leaf. The water spout came gushing out of the grate and Pichu rode it all the way to the top floor… directly into another set of mines.

"Why me," he groaned seconds before another chain of explosions rocked the fortress.

Pichu finally made his way back outside, raced around the outer wall and ran through a doorway that led into the inner area of the fortress. Many guards were standing around with spears in hand (which seemed redundant since they all had psychic powers, but whatever), both on the ground level that was surrounded by the fortress walls and in the high watchtower in the center.

"Just terrific. More sneaking," Clefairy griped. "And look at all the doors in this place. We don't even know which way we're supposed to go. What do we do now?"

Pichu was hungrily snapping a picture of one of the pirates with his Pictograph Box, then noticed Clefairy staring at him. "What? It's not like this is out of character for me."

Having no other choice, Pichu and Clefairy resigned themselves to sneaking past the guards, which turned out to be quite easy since none of them were even paying attention. In fact, they were all standing around in a big circle and bobbing up and down while swinging their arms.

Pichu stared after them. "…Are they all _singing _over there?"

"We're a pack of scurvy sea dogs! Have we pity? Not a dram! We all eat roasted garlic and sing from the diaphragm! _A pirate I was meant to beeeeee! Trim the sails and roam the seeeeeea!_"

"They don't make 'em like they used to," said Clefairy.

Deciding to get a better view of the place, Pichu and Clefairy climbed up to the watchtower which led inside the fortress by way of a bridge. After crossing the bridge and entering the fortress, they found themselves in a small nondescript room with nothing but a barred window.

"Hey, let's look through this window!" Pichu exclaimed.

"Seeing how it's the only thing in the room, that seems the logical course of action," said Clefairy.

They both peered through the window and down to the lower floor, where the Meowstic from before was being addressed by a very stern and powerful-looking Gardevoir. From the looks of things, she was the leader of the pirates.

"What kind of miserable excuse for a pirate are you?" she snapped. "You do realize that Dewott and Clefairy are inside the fortress at this very minute, when it was your express job to keep them out?"

"I'm sorry, Gardevoir," said the Meowstic, hanging her head. "They completely outfoxed us. We were in the middle of rehearsal and they got the slip on us."

"…I'm going to pretend you didn't just say any of that. Look, just hurry and find them. We don't have time for this nonsense, especially since you numbskulls still haven't found those missing eggs. If word gets out that we pirates lost our own loot, we'll become a laughingstock!"

Pichu was not pleased. "What? You mean not all of the eggs are even here? How long are they gonna drag out this pre-dungeon stuff?!"

"We have four eggs here now, so head out to Pinnacle Rock and find the other three eggs before the sea snakes eat them all!" Gardevoir snapped. The Meowstic bowed in obeisance and was about to leave before Gardevoir stopped her.

"Wait! I'm not done providing useful exposition yet!"

"Maybe you should just write all this down, Gardevoir."

"Remember, those eggs are the only clue we have to that strange dragon cloud floating over the bay. If what that strange Nuzleaf wearing the mask said to us is true… and we can get our hands on the treasure that's inside the temple in that cloud, we can spend the rest of our lives living the good life! Now hurry and find those eggs – and if you see that Dewott, don't hesitate to use the Kraken on him!"

Clefairy blinked. "A Kraken? Pichu, are you paying attention to this?"

"Probably not."

At any rate, the Meowstic was about to go off in search of them, which Clefairy at least had the sense to recognize was a bad thing. "Oh for the love of – Pichu, hurry and get rid of the pirates by shooting that conveniently placed Beedrill nest on the ceiling."

"Won't that make them attack us instead of the pirates?"

"For some reason, no, it won't. Just hurry and do it!" Clefairy snapped, so Pichu fired a Razor Leaf at the Beedrill nest, causing it to drop to the ground and burst open. A swarm of angry Beedrills immediately came pouring out, causing a mass panic as they violently attacked the screaming Psychic pirates and sending all of them fleeing out of the room.

Clefairy stared after all of them. "Man, did you see that? They all just ran off like a bunch of sissies."

"Well, Psychics are weak against Bug, after all."

"…That is literally the only thing that has made sense in this entire adventure."

Pichu had noticed that Gardevoir had been guarding (har har) an enormous treasure chest, so he ran down to the lower floor and hurried into the now-empty room, where he opened up the chest to find…

"Da-na-na-naaaaaaaaa! I got the Vine Whip!" he cheered, holding up his new/old weapon and not seeming to care that this adventure was rapidly becoming a rehash of his previous one. He tried it out, only to whip himself in the face by accident. "OW!" he cried. He tried again. "OW!" He tried another time. "OW!"

"Stop doing that. Look, one of Vaporeon's eggs is in that tank. Hurry and get it!"

"Huh?" Pichu looked and saw that there was indeed an enormous tank of water on the side of the room, and sitting on the bottom was the first of the eggs they had been looking for.

"Hmm… well, I love hard boiled eggs, but this water is not nearly the right temperature."

Clefairy finally lost her patience and threw Pichu into the tank, where he was immediately brutalized by a Shellder that also happened to be in there. The two of them quickly flew into an epic struggle for the ages of which there could be only one survivor. Clefairy jumped in and got the egg by herself.

"There, that was easy," said Pichu once he'd somehow managed to cram the egg into one of his bottles. After the Lilligant business, it really wasn't all that shocking. "Now we just have to do that three more times without dying. C-Money, where do we go next?"

"You're asking me? I'm just here to point and laugh at you when you mess up."

––

"…And Lady Gardevoir says no more singing or we're all in big trouble," Meowstic addressed a group of guards as she nursed her many bee stings. "We have to be on the lookout for the intruders in the fortress. You haven't seen anything suspicious, have you?"

At that moment there came a loud "YiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiii" from up above them as Pichu went swinging over their heads clear across the fortress on his Vine Whip, only to crash into a wall on the far side.

A Girafarig guard scratched her head. "Not really."

––

Pichu entered a section of the fortress he hadn't explored yet, taking out one of the guards by throwing a rock at her head. As he walked through the door she was guarding, though, a portcullis slammed down over it.

"This seems to happen to me a lot."

"Halt!" came a voice as a Medicham came dropping down from the ceiling, brandishing her fists at him. "It takes courage to come thieving in the Pirates' Fortress. I'm going to love doing this to you!"

Pichu's mind raced. "Uh… wait a minute!" he said quickly. "I'm not the guy you're looking for! You're supposed to be looking for a Dewott. I, clearly, am not a Dewott."

The Medicham seemed to ponder this for a second. "Huh… I guess you're right. Never mind then."

"Damn skippy," said Pichu as he strode right past her into the next room, which contained a tank holding another egg. Naturally he had to turn into Dewott to swim down and get it, though, and forgot to change back as he left the room.

"Hey, wait a minute! You _are _the guy we're looking for!" the Medicham exclaimed as she saw him.

"What? No I'm not. You're looking for a Pichu."

"Oh, the hell with this! Prepare to be sodomized by the pointy end of my swords!" she snapped before whipping out a pair of scimitars and charging into battle with him. Luckily Pichu was actually a very skilled and agile fighter as a Dewott, jumping out of the way of her attacks and mercilessly slashing at her with his twin scalchops. It wasn't long before he'd miraculously emerged as the victor.

"Why do I even _have _those other two masks?!" he exclaimed in delight as the Medicham fell in defeat.

"Urgh… don't think it ends here!" she snapped before using Flash and disappearing.

Pichu ended up having to do that two more times, racing around every corner of the fortress in search of the remaining eggs and taking out two more guards in the process. It took the entire night, but finally he had all four of the pirates' stolen eggs in his possession.

"Hang on, you've only got three bottles. How are you hanging on to all of the eggs?" asked Clefairy.

Pichu held up one of his bottles which somehow had two eggs crammed inside it. "These bottles seem to be able to defy the laws of physics and common sense. I don't question it anymore."

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! Now that we're done singing, we're going to make you wish you were never born!" came an angry voice, and Pichu whipped around in a panic to find himself face to face with Gardevoir, who was flanked by at least a dozen of her fellow pirates. "No one steals from _us _and lives to tell about it! Surrender now or face the consequences!"

"Forget it! I never surrender!" Pichu declared, even as he saw he was woefully outmatched. "I do, however, frequently run away screaming!" He proceeded to do just that.

"AFTER HIM!" Gardevoir shrieked as the pirates chased him all the way back to the outer area of the fortress. Clefairy sighed wearily and followed after them for no reason in particular.

Pichu scrambled to a stop at the edge of the water that covered most of the outer fortress, only to find himself completely surrounded by pirates pointing their weapons at him, but he just grinned. "Ha! The joke's on you, ladies! I'm a Dewott so I can just swim out of here!"

"I wouldn't do that," said Gardevoir. "Down there is where we keep our dearest pet, the Kraken! Since you've refused to surrender to us, you've resigned yourself to death by being violated by some kind of giant sea monster thing!"

"…Well, shit."

Pichu whimpered in fright as the pirates closed in on him, pointing their spears and edging him ever closer to the water. "C-Money, I think this is it. I'm a goner."

"Well, you've condemned an entire world to obliteration by a falling moon, but I'm sure everyone will forgive you. Or at least they would forgive you if any of them survived. Which they won't."

"You're not making it better."

"Am I supposed to?"

"Enough of this stalling through pointless banter! RELEASE THE KRAKEN!" shouted Gardevoir, and two of the pirates obediently turned the crank on a huge winch that caused an enormous gate somewhere underwater to slide up…

…and with a deafening roar, a gigantic Malamar came exploding out of the water and sending up a splash that drenched everyone in the vicinity. Pichu shrieked, but his terror quickly turned to surprise as he saw the Malamar go on a trumpeting rampage and attack the pirates, swiping them up in its many tentacles and flailing them around in its grasp. The remaining pirates quickly realized what was happening and ran like the dickens while screaming their heads off.

"What the hell is going on here?!" Gardevoir demanded in the midst of the chaos, then turned to Meowstic and slapped her. "You forgot to feed it, didn't you?"

"Was I supposed to?"

"IT'S A FIFTY-FOOT MONSTER! OF COURSE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FEED IT!"

Pichu blinked slowly as he watched this carnage. "…Would you call this a victory for us or not?"

"In your case, I'd say take what you can get," said Clefairy.

"Hoot hoot!" said Noctowl as he alighted on a ledge. "Hello again, Pichu. I've come to observe the delicious pain and suffering that the pirates have no doubt doled out to you." He looked out over the fortress in time to see the Malamar indiscriminately slaughtering every pirate in sight. "I now see that this plan was a failure. Regardless, I shall return." And he flew off without another word.

––

**A/N: **I wonder if ANYONE can tell me the game the pirate song is a reference to. :)


	24. How Do You Like Your Eggs

**Dawn of  
>THE SECOND DAY<br>-48 Hours Remain-**

Pichu and Clefairy had managed to sneak out of the fortress in the ensuing chaos and were now back at the Great Bay Coast, wondering where to go from here.

"Those pirates said the rest of the eggs are over at Pinnacle Rock. Guess you'd better head over there," said Clefairy, assuming her usual role of plot-advancing expositor.

"So basically I swim over there, kill a bunch of sea serpents, rescue the babies and reap the glorious benefits. I like this plan!" Pichu declared, stepping back into the water and immediately swimming out to sea. Unfortunately, the water was so murky and polluted that Pichu couldn't see a single thing, much less make out where he was going. Within moments he found himself standing in the exact spot he had started.

"This plan appears to have reached a hurdle."

"Hey, Dewott! Have you ever heard of the Horseas who live around here?" asked a Clauncher who was floating by. "Apparently they know these waters so well that even this murk means nothing to them! I was thinking of getting one to guide me to Pinnacle Rock."

"Did I ask you to open your mouth, bitch?" Pichu snapped at him.

"No, sir. Sorry, sir."

"I love being a celebrity."

––

As luck or the plot would have it, Pichu ran across a Horsea almost immediately. Walking into the small Fisherman's Hut near the coastline, he was delighted to find one floating in a large fishbowl. He was not so delighted to find this fishbowl apparently belonged to somebody.

"Hmm… how goes the fishing out there, you two?" asked the large stocky Vigoroth in the room. "Normally I'm quite the good fisherman, you know, but after the strangeness that's come over the Great Bay waters, I've been coming back empty-handed. I need those fish to survive… if this keeps up, I may just have to saw my leg off and eat that."

"Wonderful. Thank you for sharing," said Clefairy.

Pichu, meanwhile, had his face pressed up against the fishbowl and was gazing at the Horsea. "Please… take me back to the waters near Pinnacle Rock…" it said softly to him.

"What's that you said? Little Timmy fell down the well?" asked Pichu.

"You interested in that Horsea? It's a rare specimen, you know," said the Vigoroth. "I was thinking of selling it at the Clock Town carnival this year, but I'd be willing to part with it for… ooh! Do you have a pictograph of the female pirates who live out in the fortress?"

"What?" Pichu cried as he hugged his Pictograph Box to himself. "You can't have my pictograph! It's my most prized possession!"

Clefairy glared at him. "It's a picture you took a few hours ago of some chicks who tried to kill you and then got disemboweled, and it's more valuable to you than your instrument capable of warping time and space. Got it."

"You're not a dude. You wouldn't understand."

Several blows to the head later, Pichu was lying on the ground as Clefairy dusted her hands off and the Vigoroth had the pictograph in his hands. "Oh, fantastic! I'm still starving to death but I have this thing now, so I don't care! Go ahead and take the fish thing."

"Oh, fine. At least I get something out of this."

"Uh, Pichu, you know all your bottles are still filled with eggs, don't you?" said Clefairy.

Pichu looked back and forth between the Horsea and his bottles, then finally grew a determined look and cracked his knuckles. "It's go time."

After successfully cramming the Horsea into one of the bottles (there was a plunger involved), Pichu peered inside to make sure it was all right. It wasn't, but he didn't seem to notice. "Don't worry, little guy! We'll bring you back home, won't we Clefairy?"

"What's this 'we' I'm hearing? You know full well I can't breathe underwater and even if I could I wouldn't trust you with my life in a delicate situation like this. You're on your own, boyo. You must have beaten a water dungeon by yourself before, right?"

"Uhhh, nope. Last time I had my fiancée to help me."

"…You were engaged."

"Yeah! Why's that so weird?"

"Just get the hell out."

So Pichu swam out to the entrance to Pinnacle Rock with the Horsea in tow. As he passed through the stone pillars marking the entrance, he looked down and saw the path he needed to take was deep on the ocean floor. So he sank down to the very bottom of the sea and prepared to walk the rest of the way on foot, because that is precisely how fluid mechanics work.

"Thanks for helping me out there, man. Do you think you could help my friend too?" asked the Horsea once Pichu had let him out of the bottle. "He's been captured by the sea snakes who live out here, so really all you'd have to do is defeat them all."

"Man, forget it! I don't have time to go saving everybody, we have a giant moon on our heads! I'm killing the sea snakes but I'm not helping your friend."

"…All right then."

The water down here was still murky and impossible to see through, but the Horsea didn't seem to notice as it took off swimming and following a wide, incomprehensible zigzag pattern. "If you want to make it through here, follow me!" it shouted.

"Wait a minute! How is this a more effective way of going through than _walking in a straight line?!_" Pichu demanded. "Forget it, I don't need your help! I'm doing this myself."

So he took off plodding directly over to Pinnacle Rock. Within seconds he was swallowed up by the murk and somehow transported back to his starting position.

"THIS IS SHODDY LEVEL DESIGN!"

So he had no choice but to follow the Horsea as it swam back and forth, following a bunch of randomly placed signposts that were sticking out of the ground for some reason. Finally they'd managed to make it all the way over to a massive, circular underwater chasm that stretched down for hundreds of feet below them, with several large caves carved into its stone walls.

"The sea snakes are down there. Please hurry and defeat them!"

"Yeah yeah yeah. This shouldn't be too **WEEEEAAAUUUUUUUUUGHHHH!**" Pichu screamed as an absolutely enormous Huntail came snaking out of one of the caves he'd been swimming past, clamping down on him and trapping him in its massive jaws. "I'M A CELEBRITY! THIS SHOULDN'T BE HAPPENING TO ME!"

––

Clefairy was making the most of her precious time away from Pichu, wandering around the coast before finding herself in the Waterfall Rapids.

"Wow, this place is really pretty," she said, looking around at the green grass and cascading waterfalls. "I just hope it's not home to some really obnoxious and unnecessarily long side quest that requires precise controls and is nonetheless necessary to gain a really important item."

"Hey there, girly! How would you like to race against me and my little brother?" asked a Bibarel who was standing next to a Bidoof. "If you can beat us in an underwater race by swimming through twenty really small rings in precise order, we'll give you an empty bottle. Oh, and you have to do it twice."

"…Okay, I'm stopping you right there," said Clefairy, punching him in the head and grabbing the glass bottle out of his hands as he slumped to the ground.

––

"DIE! DIE! DIE YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Pichu shrieked, straddling one of the Huntails and repeatedly stabbing it in the neck with one of his scalchops. When that didn't work, the Huntail grabbed him in its mouth, flailed him around and hurled him into the water. Thinking quickly, Pichu grabbed both scalchops at his sides and threw them both at once. They circled around the Huntail and cleanly sliced its head off before curving back around and flying straight back into Pichu's hands.

"…I wasn't aware I could do that."

As it happened, the now-deserted cave was housing one of Vaporeon's missing eggs, so Pichu somehow managed to cram that into one of his bottles as well… only to cause the egg already inside it to come squelching out and floating away.

"What the – get back here!" Pichu shouted at it as he swam after it, only to unwittingly swim directly into the waiting maw of another Huntail. "YEEEAAAAAAAAUGHHHH!"

"I guess we technically don't need his help anymore. Maybe we should let him go," said the Horsea, who'd managed to find his friend in the midst of all this.

"Eh, no way. This is fun to watch," said the other Horsea.

––

"…So then I just decided to use the hacksaw and be done with it," Clefairy was saying several hours later to a Marill sitting on the shore. Then she noticed a sopping wet, pissed-off-looking Pichu emerging from the water. "Oh, I see you're back. How was it then?"

Pichu's eye twitched. "PERFECT! JUST PERFECT! It wasn't easy, but I managed to cram seven eggs and one seahorse into three bottles!"

"Fantastic. Guess you won't be needing this then," said Clefairy, holding up the bottle she'd "won" from the beavers. As Pichu saw it, something deep inside of him shattered and he began to weep ever so softly.

Unfortunately, the eggs Pichu had rescued were all looking quite unhealthy (however it is an egg looks unhealthy, anyway). Pichu reasoned that if he returned them to Vaporeon in this condition she'd probably get angry and do something horrible to him like force him to get a real job, so instead he decided to drop them off at the Marine Research Lab just off the coast.

"Hey dude, do you know anything about treating Vaporeon eggs? 'Cause my head's definitely on the chopper if you don't," Pichu said to the Politoed who was running the lab. "Oh, and it'd be nice if you could save their lives too, I guess."

"You are officially the worst father ever," said Clefairy.

"Oh, C-Money… sweet, innocent C-Money. You don't watch enough daytime TV."

"Hmm… my, my. Are those the eggs that belong to the famous Vaporeon of the Indigo-Gos?" asked the Politoed as he scrutinized the eggs. "You'd better drop them off in that tank quickly."

"So you can save them and restore them to health?" asked Clefairy.

"No, so I can get pictures and sell them to the tabloids. This is juicy stuff!"

"I'm seriously beginning to question whether we should be stopping the moon from falling at all. It's started to feel like an act of mercy."

Anyway, Pichu climbed on top of the large tank in the room and dumped all of the eggs inside. No sooner had they all floated to the bottom, though, than something quite unexpected began to happen. All the eggshells began to crack and splinter, and within moments all seven eggs had hatched, leaving a bunch of tiny newborn Oshawotts floating in the tank.

"Awww! They look just like me!" Pichu cooed. Then he frowned. "Crap. They look just like me. This is incriminating."

"Oh, my! Look at what they're doing!" gasped the Politoed. Pichu dropped to the floor in time to see the Oshawotts floating upwards in a strange formation, aligning themselves with the rungs on the far wall of the tank that _just so_ happened to resemble a musical staff. The Oshawotts began floating in place in a way that _just so _happened to make them resemble musical notes, and the whole formation _just so _happened to look like a written-out song.

"Look at that! They're trying to teach us a song!" the Politoed exclaimed. "Hurry boy, get out your instrument that you obviously have on you!"

Clefairy was incredulous. "…This is officially the most ridiculous, convoluted method of learning a song we've ever had. Forget talking to a monkey or an old senile guy, no, we're looking at a bunch of babies who just so happened to align themselves in a way that looks like musical notes. Seriously, who's coming up with this bullshit? I demand to talk to – " Pichu slammed his guitar down on Clefairy's head. The role reversal was quite satisfying and cathartic.

"Here goes nothing, I guess," he said, playing the New Wave Bossa Nova on his guitar. It was a pretty groovin song anyway, causing the Politoed to flail his arms around in excitement.

"That's it! That's the instrument!" he cried. "If these babies were born to teach this song, then you must play it for the one who laid those eggs! Quickly!"

"Wait – what? They were born to _what? _I have to _what? _How did you discern any of that from this?"

"Now you know how I feel," Clefairy grumbled.

––

**Night of the Second Day  
>-36 Hours Remain-<strong>

"So, I wonder where Vaporeon is," said Pichu as they returned to Zora Hall. Unfortunately, all the musicians, roadies, techies, etc. were still in an uproar about Vaporeon's missing voice and their inability to perform. Some were running around screaming, some were smacking each other with their instruments, some were curled up in a corner sobbing, and at least one person had hanged themself from the ceiling.

"Boy, thank Suicune for resetting time, huh?"

"If only my trauma could be undone so easily," Clefairy muttered.

Finally they walked out the back exit and onto a little outcropping of land facing the ocean. Vaporeon was sitting there with her tail wrapped around her legs, her head lowered and looking completely miserable. Not surprisingly, she looked exactly like Pichu's ex-fiancée from back in Hyrule, but thankfully, he'd gotten used to this sort of thing by now and it was definitely not a problem.

"…C-Money, I can't do this. My natural tendency to run away from commitment is flaring up again."

Clefairy violently shoved him forward. "Oh, uh… hi, Vaporeon! It's me, your baby daddy! Thought you'd like to know your kids are all safe and sound from the pirates and they even hatched! Isn't that great?"

"…" Vaporeon said nothing, just gazing up at him with a lost expression.

Pichu sighed deeply. "Against all logic you're not going to actually cheer up until I play the song, right. Well, whatever." He whipped out the guitar and started jamming out with the New Wave Bossa Nova… and as he did, Vaporeon's face slowly seemed to light up. After a few moments she suddenly opened her mouth and began singing along with him as he played, swaying her head back and forth.

"…Well, that seems to have done it," Clefairy said once they'd finished.

"Oh _come on! _ That song convinces you your babies are all right but me telling you didn't?!"

"Honestly, I wouldn't have taken you at your word either," said his most loyal fairy companion.

Vaporeon's singing seemed to have an unexpected side effect, as suddenly the open water in front of them began to churn, and with a huge explosion of water, an enormous Torterra whose back they'd mistaken for an island emerged from beneath the surface.

"Ahhh… what a lovely voice," it sighed as Pichu and Clefairy shrieked at the sight of it and started running around looking for cover. "It seems I've been sleeping a long time… the passing of days is quick, isn't it Vaporeon?"

"Wait a minute! How do you know this guy?" Pichu snapped at Vaporeon. "Have you been seeing him behind my back? Don't you love me? I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL!" he sobbed. Vaporeon just stood there looking blank.

"…I was going to say Vaporeon seems confused, but you seem a lot more so," said the Torterra. "Proud warrior of the Water-types, I must tell you that the open seas of Great Bay have need of your might. Climb on my back and I shall transport you to the Great Bay Temple, the source of the sea's contamination. You go in there and kill a bunch of stuff, hopefully it should return the waters to normal."

"Hang on. You literally just came out of nowhere. You're not going to tell us how you know all this stuff or how you know Vaporeon or why her singing made you wake up?" said Clefairy.

"Sadly, there is no time for idle conversation."

"It'll take at least fifteen minutes to swim out to the temple."

"Just get on."

––

"Well, this is just peachy. Now we _have _to find that treasure to pay for our medical bills," Gardevoir grumbled as she stood at the bow of a small motorboat with a few other pirates who had survived the Malamar attack. "Full speed ahead, ladies! We just need to get past this dragon cloud and that treasure will be ours!"

"Lady Gardevoir, I'm not really sure we _can _get past that cloud," said Meowstic, referring to the enormous swirling funnel cloud that completely surrounded the Great Bay Temple.

"Nonsense. That Nuzleaf child just said we have to _ram _it! PREPARE FOR RAMMING SPEED!"

"Um, but clouds don't work like that – " Meowstic's plea was cut off as the boat careened toward the funnel cloud as fast as it could go. It was instantaneously sucked up, along with all the pirates, sending them swirling around and around hundreds of feet in the air, shrieking at the top of their lungs.

"I'm starting to think that kid was dicking with us."

––

**A/N: **Fun fact, I never even attempted the beaver race. Guess I'm not a true Zelda fan.


	25. A Series of Tubes

**A/N: **Man I'm really sorry this is getting dragged out for so long. The reason I was able to upload so many chapters at the start was that it was my gap year, which it obviously is not anymore. I hope at least some people are still following this.

––

"So then after _that_, she wanted to sneak off to Romani Ranch and go Miltank tipping," Torterra said as he emerged from the water after swimming beneath the dragon cloud, seemingly not noticing the half-drowned Pichu and Clefairy clinging to his back. "I was opposed to the idea, but about five sake bombs later and she had me convinced. Everything after that is kind of a blur."

"You know, I take it back. I was happier when I didn't know how you knew Vaporeon," said Clefairy.

"Ah, lo and behold. We have arrived!" said the Torterra. Pichu and Clefairy looked and saw they had been brought to the entrance of the Great Bay Temple. "Now go, brave hero, and purge the evil in this temple. And stop defacing my tree."

"What? Oh, fine," Pichu griped, tossing aside the chisel he'd been using to carve something obscene into the trunk of the tree. "C'mon C-Money, let's get this over with."

"We haven't even started and I'm already miserable," Clefairy groaned, hugging herself and shivering. "We're both soaking wet. At this rate we're going to die of hypothermia before you get us killed some other way."

"Oh, I'll take care of that! HIYAAAAAAAA!" Pichu roared, generating a broiling wave of Sacred Fire that simultaneously lit all the torches in front of the door, also severely burning Clefairy and turning all the crates and barrels in the room into ash.

"Thank you, you've burned all my nerve endings so I can't feel cold anymore. You know that destructive streak of yours is going to bite you in the ass before you know it," said Clefairy.

"Oh come on. Like _how?_" Pichu scoffed, kicking open the chest that had appeared only to be greeted by a Stray Fairy that jumped out and latched onto his face. "Oh. Like that. Well just so long as there's no more water for the rest of the temple – " Pichu walked through the door and saw the room on the other side was flooded with water. "Suicune damnit."

"Whoa! That's a huge waterwheel!" Clefairy gasped, looking up above their heads. Sure enough, there was a very large waterwheel rotating up above their heads, its axle extending through the wall and into the next room. It was being turned by the water shooting out of a large yellow waterspout on the right side of the room. There was another yellow one behind it and red one on the left side of the room, but they were currently inactivated. Not to mention there was a bunch of yellow and red pipes snaking across the walls and through the doorway on the far end.

"Well, clearly it was too much to ask for a water dungeon with no water mechanics," Clefairy sighed. "Well Pichu, we have to turn on that yellow one in the back to get across the room. Let's hop to it."

"I'M KIND OF PREOCCUPIED!" snapped Pichu, who was still frantically trying to pry the Stray Fairy off his face. He staggered past Clefairy and finally fell off the platform they were standing on and into the water, where he was accosted by another Stray Fairy that burst out of its bubble and also latched onto him.

"This would be funnier if it weren't a waste of my time as well as yours," said Clefairy, pulling him out of the water. Pichu eventually made it across the room by putting on his Dewott Mask, turning a large yellow switch underwater that activated the second waterspout, then jumping on top of the water from a high ledge and crossing over to the door.

"Woah," he said once he saw what was on the other side. It was an enormous metal pit completely filled with water, with a bunch of underwater tunnels branching off in every direction. The axle of the waterwheel was turning a huge underwater fan, its massive blades churning the water into an incredibly strong current.

"Ahhh, so the waterwheel is turning that huge fan. This explains everything. …Wait, no it doesn't. This explains nothing. What the hell is all this stuff even doing here? I thought temples were supposed to be places of worship or something, what does any of this have to do with anything religious?!"

Sensing his Great Fairy Mask, another Stray Fairy came exploding out of a nearby barrel and tackled him, sending him screaming into the water. He was sent swirling around and around and unable to stop, only for another Stray Fairy to emerge from a pot on the very bottom of the pit and latch onto him as well.

"Hey Pichu, you missed one," said Clefairy as she entered the room holding yet another Stray Fairy, only to gaze into the water in time to watch Pichu swirling around the periphery and frantically flailing as he fought off four fairies at once. "Hmm. It would appear I caught him at a bad time."

Pichu was finally sent hurtling through one of the tunnels, flying into the room on the other side and crashing his head against the metal wall before slumping to the ground.

"Owww… wow, I'm glad that's over with. Good thing I can somehow breathe and talk down here despite Dewotts not having gills and whatnot. Now, where do I go next?"

He looked up and saw the entrance to yet another tunnel up above his head, which was guarded by a pair of Binacles latched onto the walls and waving their arms about.

"Hello there, friends!" he said brightly. "Can you please point me in the direction of your leader? I need to go brutally kill him and save the world."

"I have a better idea," said a Binacle, grabbing Pichu by the ankle and repeatedly bashing him against the wall before hurling him down the tunnel.

"Why do my friends keep hurting me?"

"Well, there you finally are. Took you long enough," said Clefairy as Pichu emerged from the water. She was sitting on top of an opened chest with another Stray Fairy in her hands.

"What the – C-Money? How'd you get in here?"

"Well I'd love to tell you, but I'm sure I'd just bore you with the details."

"You got thrown in here by the Binacles too, didn't you."

"Shut up! I just told them their music sucked and they got all touchy."

Pichu and Clefairy walked through the door and took another underwater tunnel back to the hub room, picking up another Stray Fairy along the way. If you want to get technical, another Binacle grabbed Pichu and smashed him against the pot where the fairy was hidden. Then the two of them climbed out of the water so Clefairy could actually breathe and tried to figure out what to do.

"Well, the law of conservation of detail dictates that you'll have to go through all of those tunnels eventually. But the way the current's going, you can only reach that red one at the very bottom."

"But C-Money, it's all the way underwater. That means you can't come with me."

"Yes, I can barely contain my sorrow. Look, I'll stay up here and find a way to reverse the current. You just go and find all the Stray Fairies, then come back here on the off chance you don't mess up and die."

"Oh, fine… I guess I've dealt with rough things on my own before."

_**Minutes later**_

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF BUTTERSCOTCH PUDDING WITH WHIPPED CREAM AND CHOCOLATE SAUCE IS THAT?!" Pichu shrieked at the sight of the enormous oversized Forretress staring down at him from the ceiling, suspended by a cloud of dozens of Solosis… es… Soloses? Screw it, the little green things.

"Mm hmm hmm… what's this? A helpless little Pichu?" the Forretress mused in a rather effeminate voice. "I think I'll kill you by floating around in a random pattern and not actually attacking you!"

"Uh, wha – " Pichu was cut off as it plummeted down from the ceiling and slammed onto the floor, only to start drifting off aimlessly by way of the Soloses completely covering its body, preventing Pichu from attacking it.

"Okay, this is the stupidest thing that's happened to me so far. If you're gonna be like that, time for me to bring out the big guns!" Pichu snapped, pulling out an Egg Bomb. "HIYAAAAA!" he roared as he chucked bomb after bomb, the explosions dislodging several Soloses and causing them to drop to the ground. This act from Pichu proved to be a mistake, as they all came bouncing across the room and threw themselves at him.

"WAAAAUUUAAAAGGGH!" Pichu cried as the Soloses all piled on top of him. He responded by busting out his brand spanking new Shiny Leaf, slicing and dicing his spherical foes and dispatching them with ease.

The Forretress opened up its outer shell and gazed down through the gap in its defenses where the Soloses had been. "Hmm hmm… that didn't work. So I'm just going to make you fight off every one of these things before you can get to me so this fight takes an obnoxiously long time!"

"Oh _hell _no! Not on my watch!" Pichu shouted, hurling his Shiny Leaf up at the Forretress and impaling it right in the face. This was yet another mistake, as the Foretress let out a roar of pain and dropped to the ground with enough force to make the floor shake, then began sliding across the room in every direction, repeatedly crashing into the walls and howling in blind fury.

"_Woah!_" Pichu cried and frantically dived out of the Forretress's path as it slid past him, only to crash into the wall and then turn around and come charging at him again. Unfortunately, he also had to contend with the remaining Soloses that had dropped to the ground as well and were now bouncing relentlessly after him.

"NO NO NO NO NO! I can't go out like this!" Pichu screamed as he desperately hurled a volley of Egg Bombs at the pursuing Soloses. "I have to go out fighting something _cool_, like a giant robot or something! Not _this _guy!"

From where it had just crashed into the wall, the Forretress turned around and glared at Pichu. "Did you just imply I am not _cool? _You, sir, must be _punished!_" it declared, surging across the room directly toward the shrieking rodent.

––

Clefairy was back in the waterwheel room, gazing around at all the switches and differently colored pipes and trying to make some sense of it all. "Now let's see… which one of these will reverse the current in the other room?" she wondered, experimentally turning a switch.

In the room where Pichu was, there suddenly came a mighty rumbling beneath the floor and a huge torrent of water came bursting out of the grate in the floor directly beneath Forretress, slamming it up into the ceiling and killing it instantly.

"Nope. Not that one," said Clefairy.

Pichu opened his eyes and came out of his cringing pose. "Woah! I killed it with my mind! All my practice is finally paying off!"

––

Pichu very quickly came to find that every single room in this temple had pipes running along its walls, some with water flowing through them and some not. Many of the rooms also had large switches that turned the water on and off, such as the room he'd just walked back into.

"Boy, these things sure look dangerous," he observed as he held his brand new Icicle Spears, which he'd gotten out of the magic sparkly chest that had appeared when Forretress died. "I wonder if they can freeze anything they come in contact with? This is too much power for one person."

"Hey there, fatty! Your mama dress you like that?" taunted an Octillery that was sticking its head out of the water.

"DIE, HEATHEN!" Pichu shrieked, spinning around and hurling an Icicle Spear directly at it. It was hit through the forehead and instantly froze solid, becoming incased in a floating block of ice.

"…I changed my mind. This is exactly enough power for one person."

Luckily, Pichu was able to hop across the block of ice to reach the red switch, turning it and causing water to start flowing through the connecting pipe. He followed the red pipes back through the first tunnel and (after rescuing another Stray Fairy) into another room with a switch up on a red platform. He managed to reach this switch by freezing a Duosion hopping around the room and climbing from it to the platform as it turned into a solid block of ice. This didn't disturb him nearly as much as it probably should have.

"Man, I wonder what all these switches are actually doing," he said as he turned it. "Did I turn on the water somewhere or what?"

––

"Well, screw it. I can't reverse the current unless I turn the red _and _the yellow switch. But how am I supposed to reach those?" Clefairy griped, folding her arms and looking up at the switch on the red platform far above her head. Suddenly she started blinking as she felt a low rumbling beneath her, and then a huge waterspout came bursting through the red grate she was standing on, launching her clear through the ceiling.

"_YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…_"

––

Swimming back to one of the rooms he'd previously been in, Pichu was able to freeze the water to cross over to a door he hadn't been able to reach before. Walking through the door, he was immediately trapped inside by a portcullis, which honestly wasn't a surprise at all anymore.

"Well well well… look who's found his way into my lair," giggled the Toxicroak who was standing in the middle of the room. "I've been expecting you."

Pichu blinked. "Uhh… do I know you?"

"…No, not as such. But I'm gonna kill you anyway!" He cupped his hands over his mouth. "COME TO MEEEEEE, MY MINIONS!"

Pichu yelped in shock as yet another wave of Soloses came crashing down from the ceiling, bouncing all over the room and preventing Pichu from getting near his foe. The Toxicroak let out a cackle and disappeared among the mass of green.

Pichu was really not in the mood to deal with this. "All right, enough of this bullsh*t. I'm beating this guy in the most brutal way possible – THE POWER OF MUSIC!" He slapped on the Dewott Mask, whipped out his guitar and started rocking out. "YEAH! Carry on my wayward so-ooon! There'll be peace when you are do-one!"

"OH &*?# MY EARS!" the Toxicroak screamed in agony, grabbing his head and collapsing to the floor. "That's it, I'm moving ahead to the killing you phase! GET HIM!"

"WAAAAUUUUAAAGHHH!" Pichu shrieked as the Soloses all dogpiled on top of him, encasing him in an enormous blob of goo and dragging him toward the center of the room. "SOMEBODY HELP! WHAT'S GOING ON?!"

That very moment, Clefairy came crashing through the ceiling and down to the ground. "They've trapped you in a Mad Jelly. It's so soft that ordinary attacks won't work, so you have to think of another way."

"I DON'T RECALL THAT BEING THE CASE LAST TIME!" Pichu screamed as the Toxicroak was beating him up inside the blob of jelly. Then with one good wound-up punch, he sent the Hero of Time flying clear out of the blob and crashing into the metal wall, then let out an insane laugh as the blob rose back up to the ceiling and carried him with it.

"It would appear you've been outfoxed again, Pichu. Glad I made it in time to watch."

"Don't worry, this guy hasn't won yet!" Pichu declared. "I just have to use my _other _attack that I can only use when I'm a Pichu even though it would make way more sense for my transformed self to use it!"

"Wait, what – "

"Time for you to _chill out!_" Pichu bellowed, ripping off his mask and hurling an Icicle Spear up at the ceiling. It instantly froze the entire blob of jelly, and the Toxicroak let out a shriek as it plummeted to the ground and shattered, coming apart into a mass of wildly bouncing Soloses again.

Clefairy glared at Pichu. "'_Chill out_'? Are you even trying?"

"All the good ice puns were used up years ago."

"Grrr… you're never getting your hands on me, you little pipsqueak!" the Toxicroak swore angrily, hopping off toward the far end of the room and leaving his minions to deal with Pichu.

"C-Money, check this out. I'm totally gonna waste this guy!" Pichu said eagerly, putting on his Buneary Hood and using its power to race past the Soloses at lightning speed, too quickly for them to catch. "HIYAAAAAAAAAAA!" he roared, hurling himself into the air and driving an Icicle Spear through the Toxicroak, pinning him to the floor.

"He was _running away _from you and you do _that?_"

"Hey, he started it!"

With their master soundly defeated, all the Soloses suddenly fell still and dissolved away into nothing… for some reason. The Toxicroak, meanwhile, shrank and transformed into a harmless little Politoed, not for the first time.

Pichu stood back and observed this. "I was really hoping this would make more sense the second time it happened, but, nope."

––

**Dawn of  
>THE FINAL DAY<br>-24 Hours Remain-**

Clefairy dragged Pichu back to the waterwheel room and told him what she'd figured out; in order to reverse the flow in the other room, he'd have to turn off the yellow waterspout and turn on the red one, causing the waterwheel to turn in the opposite direction.

"Hey, here's an idea," said Pichu. "Why don't we just _turn off _the waterwheel, so there's no current at all and I can swim through _all _the tunnels and not worry about getting hurled into any walls?"

"And why don't _you _just shut up your stupid face?"

"Gotta work on your comebacks there, C-Money."

Clefairy shoved him off the platform and into the water. "How was that one?"

After deciding to do what Clefairy said for whatever reason, Pichu turned the two large switches in the room that turned off the water flow to the yellow waterspout and turned on the flow to the red one. Sure enough, this reversed the direction of the waterwheel and caused the water in the pit with the tunnels to swirl in the opposite direction.

"Oh, terrific. Now I get to do _more _swimming, don't I?"

"Uh, nope. There's a door in the back of this room we haven't been through yet that's blocked off by a waterfall. Looks like you get to solve a bunch of puzzles with your new freezing powers, and _then _do more swimming."

"This is my punishment for impaling the guy, isn't it?"

And so Pichu cut off the flow of the waterfall with his Icicle Spears, entering the room behind it which held a green switch and a Stray Fairy, both of which he reached by freezing the water and hopping across the ice. Then he followed the green pipes through yet _another _underwater tunnel (swimming directly into a set of mines, because why not) and had to solve a whole bunch of stupid freezing and thawing puzzles involving waterwheels and seesaws and other ridiculous crap, all to reach the second green switch and rescue four more Stray Fairies hidden all around the area.

"I didn't think it was possible, but this is officially the worst dungeon I've ever been in. I swear Nuzleaf designed this place just to piss me off. The only upside to this is that I can use all my suffering as inspiration for my next album."

"Pichu, you do know you're not _really _Dewott, right?"

"C-Money, I've been beaten, bruised, nearly drowned repeatedly, my skull has been caved in and my lungs are filling up with water. If I wanna be Dewott, then &*?#ing hell, I'm gonna be Dewott."

"Well once you're done complaining, you know you still have one more tunnel to go through," said Clefairy. They were back in the main hub room with the swirling water, and she was pointing down at the very bottom of the pit at the tunnel Pichu still hadn't swam through.

"But C-Money… if that's the last place I have to go, what if that means there's something scary waiting down there for me? And you can't come with me?" He started whimpering nervously.

"Oh, there, there… shut up, Pichu. Don't you have that plot protection or whatever? Really the worst that can happen to you is that you're caught in an endless cycle of death and regeneration, praying for the eternal embrace of oblivion that will be forever denied to you."

"Hey, you're right! That doesn't sound so bad!" Pichu said brightly. "Wish me luck!" He immediately swan dived off the platform they were standing on, plunging into the swirling vortex and vanishing through the lower tunnel.

"That worked a lot better than I thought it would," said Clefairy.

Pichu followed the green pipes to the final room, freed the final two Stray Fairies, and turned the final green switch that caused a waterspout to spring up and create a path from the platform to the final door, which surely led to the great evil that plagued the temple.

"I wonder… is this really such a good idea?" he thought as he walked through the door into almost pure darkness. "Can I really do this without Clefairy? …Ah, screw it. Of course I can! I'm the Hero of Time! What good is a hero if he can't do a little thing like **YEEAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGHHHHHH!**"

He hadn't been watching where he was going and fell through a giant hole in the floor, suffering a several hundred foot drop that by all rights should have killed him. This seemed to be a recurring theme for his adventures.

"Oww… what happened?" he groaned after he landed. He lifted his head up and saw he was lying on a metallic platform, completely surrounded by water, in the middle of a very dark, empty chamber. At least, it _looked _empty…

"Uh… hello?" he called out timidly. "Anybody here?"

Right on cue, the water beneath him began to churn and bubble, and Pichu scrambled backwards at the sight of something very large and dangerous slinking silently through the water, heading directly for him…

And then his eyes bulged as his foe came exploding up above the surface, leaping directly over his head with a mighty roar.

It was a Gyarados… but it was no ordinary one, and not just because of the intimidating mask it wore over its face. It was shorter but stockier than normal, with long whiskers and two enormous dorsal fins protruding from its body. This was a Mega Gyarados.

However loud its roar was, Pichu's shriek was louder still. "**C-MONEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!**"


End file.
